Independence Day
It's BioDad's week with SD7.
DW to me: "So BioDad is going to a comic book convention on July 4 and doesn't want to take SD."
Me: "Ok, and why is this our problem?"
DW: "I told him to drop her off here for the day. I told him we never have her on the 4th of July and I'd like to have her once."
Me: "So... because BioDad is inconvenienced by his daughter's presence, we have to babysit her so he can go to a comic book convention? He attends these things all the damn time and always takes SD7. Why not this time?"
DW: "Because SD7 will be bored and complain."
Me: "All SD7 ever says when she is with us is how bored she is! Well, in between the complaints, that is."
DW: "Well I want to spend whatever time I can with SD."
Me: "I understand that but the reason we switched to weekly custody was to stop her from being shipped back and forth several times a week. Not only that but do you realize that he is taking advantage of us? Whenever he has something to do during his time with SD, we end up watching her - even if we already have plans. Meanwhile, when we have SD we are required to pay a babysitter or take her to your mom's house, because BioDad won't watch her."
DW: "I don't want to argue about this."
I am so sick and tired of BioDad's life controlling our family's life. I have expressed this 1,000 times to DW but she just does not get it. I swear, it is his week and he wants to do something without her, he should find other arrangements like we have to.
Later DW tells me that SD7 is coming over today instead of tomorrow "because BioDad has an appointment. He's going to drop her off at the house at 4:30pm."
Me: "I'm still working at 4:30" (I work from home). "And you will not be home."
DW: "Well I didn't think you'd mind. It is only a half hour. You will probably quit early anyway since tomorrow is a holiday."
Me: "That's not really the point. I'd prefer if you asked me first. And again BioDad is dictating our life because he doesn't want to do the work to find a babysitter."
DW: "I don't want to argue about this."
Fast forward today and DW tells me that SD is no longer coming over today and will be here tomorrow instead. BioDad's appointment got cancelled. Well that's great... but we are still letting his activities dictate our home life.
So. Frustrating.
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Comments
No, the CO is silent in that
No, the CO is silent in that respect. It just says they will split time 50/50 and all bills will be split 50/50 (which of course my DW doesn't enforce anyway).
BioDad has a mother (who lives with him and does not work!), a GF, and a brother (who also does not work) all within close proximity. Any of those people could watch SD. DW knows all of them and is comfortable with them watching SD. Not only that, but BioDad knows DW's mother will watch SD (she's on all the forms for school). And he could call her up and ask her to watch SD, but he never does. My MIL would always say yes. DW has even mentioned to him that our BS3's daycare offers drop-in case for kids up to 12 during the summer. SD has been there and would have no problem being there with BS3. But it costs money so BioDad will never do that.
I don't think DW worries who SD will end up with. She just wants SD whenever she can have her, and she'd have her full time if she could. I just don't think she understands how much this idiot controls our life.
Hmmm... i would want to take
Hmmm... i would want to take my DD if this was the case. And I expect my DH would want to take SS if it was the case.... and neither of us would care. However 1. I coparent effectivley with my ex and he works with my changes just as much as i work with his. 2. We will take SS anytime we can to keep him with us and as safe as possible....versus what would happen if he was with BM over a holiday :::shudder::: Luckily she is too drunk or high to realize it is her year to have him for 4th of July so she told SS the other day to "have super fun on the 4th babbbyyyy ill miss uuuuuu" :sick:
I get it. You'd want your
I get it. You'd want your child. I really do.
But the EXPRESS purpose we went to weekly (instead of two-days on, two-days off, alternating weekends) was to prevent SD from being shipped back and forth. Now pretty much every week BioDad has her she ends up at our house. Sometimes just for 1-2 hours because BioDad has an "appointment." We are his babysitter.
Yeah tough spot to be in i
Yeah tough spot to be in i get it. There have been times I have told my ex no and he has told me no and we have to make other arrangements. Perhaps you could talk to your wife about occasionally saying no??
I do the every other week with my kiddos. And im saddened by how adept my DD15 has become at "packing" her bag. We buy her plenty of clothes and stuff for each house but she still chooses to tote most with her. Makes me sad even the week on week off can get intrusive.
That I think she's argue
That I think she's argue about... She doesn't want to argue about this issue because we've argued about it 1,000 times already. Seriously. It seems like that many.
I know I'm being yanked around. It sucks. But I also don't want to put SD in the situation of feeling like she's unwelcome here. Because while I bitch on here about her she's just a kid and is DW's daughter, and my BS3's half-sister. I guess instead I take on the feeling of being yanked around to sort of try to allow them to have a somewhat normal homelife... and really to let SD have somewhere that actually feels like a family to her. Maybe that isn't the way to go.
DW later apologized for scheduling a drop off while I was still working without clearing it with me. I think she realized that was dumb. It still irked me though.
I do think DW and I need to have another discussion about "weekly" custody and letting BioDad be responsible for his own life and actions, instead of us having to conform to his whims.
Yes. BioDad dumps his
Yes. BioDad dumps his responsibilities on DW. DW has told me this was one of the reasons they split up... yet she is still letting him do it.
BioDad is a comic book and video game freak. I'm not sure how as he is constantly telling DW he is broke and can barely pay for things. He barely has a job to the point where he is living in a 2-bd apartment with his mom, GF, GF's daughter and SD. Yet he is going to a new comic book convention every month, buying costumes, buying comic books for he and SD, and getting new video games and systems every time SD is with him (from what SD tells us). He clearly has his priorities screwed up.
I used to collect baseball and hockey cards. I stopped when I was a teenager and realized what a huge waste of money it was between buying the cards and the cases to store them. Not only that but the market is so flooded with these things they are never going to be valuable. Add to that that comics are basically a never-ending story and they scam you into buying the next one, then the next one, etc forever... I just don't want to waste my money like that. I've kept all my old cards and I'll pass them on to BS3, and he can buy them if he wants... but I can't imagine wasting that much money as an adult.
I've been following your
I've been following your blogs. This will be my last comment for a while, and I'm going to stop reading your blogs for a while. I really wish you the best of luck with your situation.
I can't read about your life anymore because you say things about BioDad controlling your life. But what I see is that DW presents herself as the solution to any problem BioDad might have (instead of leaving it to him to solve, as he leaves your problems to you to solve). But even though DW tells BioDad she can do xyz, what she really means is RhinoDad will do it. And then she turns around and expects you to accommodate her, with no notice and no authority to actually do anything when it comes to SD.
And you do it. Every time.
The only person you have any control over in this sequence of events is you. Your problem is not BioDad.
You know, it doesn't affect
You know, it doesn't affect me either way if you do or do not read my blogs. Your responses to me have always seemed very holier-than-thou anyway.
It's easy to form an opinion based on random posts. It doesn't mean your opinion is correct, but you are entitled to it.
See ya.
give it up, dude. this is a
give it up, dude. this is a fight you wont win, and u're making things more contentious between you two.
insanity- to repeat the same thing over and over, while expecting different results.
u've argued about this a thousand times- you are insane
the outcome will always be the same.
this is your wife, she will not intrinsicly change. u gotta work on accepting this part of her and let it roll off your back with a "meh" *brushes shoulder*
the lightbulb moment u're hoping for wont happen because of somethign you've said. IF/when it happens, it'll have to happen w/o your input - which is a GOOD thing. sounds like she'd get defensive otherwise and the lightbulb would burn right out immediately.
however i WOULD take issue with her inconsideration of your plans. that's just plain manners and treating the ones you love kindly and consideratly.
Best advice I got here on
Best advice I got here on STalk when I am in a similar situation is to speak my mind, but then not to dwell on it. Maybe, in the future, my DW will actually consider consulting me or take my feelings into account before dropping everything to accomodate the skid. I have already reconciled with the fact that it won't happen (not without several hundreds of hours in couples therapy) so I try to make the best of the siuation.
I feel the same way. I speak
I feel the same way. I speak my mind to DW because that is how I am. If I'm still angry, I'll vent on here... but I don't dwell on it - particularly because I know it will happen again.
"I don't want to argue about
"I don't want to argue about this."
Replace that phrase with "Why do I get the feeling you resent SS?" and this conversation could have been (or eventually will be) exactly one of my conversations with my DW.
Oh and I especially loved this part:
"You will probably quit early anyway since tomorrow is a holiday."
My DW used to say things like that ALL. THE. TIME.
One day, after she was bugging me to cut out of work early. I said "Gee honey, you don't like me working for my money, but you sure love spending my money!" Oh boy! Was she ever insulted by that! Since then she never gripes about me working.
RE: bills. We do that too.
RE: bills. We do that too. But my point is that we shouldn't have to remind BioDad 10+ times that he needs to pay us half of the aftercare so that we can pay it. And we can't split it, they don't allow it. Maybe we should force him to do all the paying, but I also don't want to give him our money up front because I don't trust him not to spend it on comic books and video games instead of SD's aftercare.
No, I have only my BS3 with
No, I have only my BS3 with DW. No other children than him and SD7.
Agreed we need to be last resort but the line I've gotten when I've said that to DW is always "I want to see SD as much as I can." And then if I argue it is "You just don't want SD here."
It's a huge guilt trip. I usually just let it go, but I'm definitely aware that it is a guilt trip.
That is such CRAP! Our BM
That is such CRAP! Our BM hasn't exercised visitation rights in 2 yrs and one of the few times she did, she asked if we could take SD for the night because she had a date! I completely get your situation. So frustrating that bioparents end up using the other parent and step-parent as babysitters.
The fact that your DW
The fact that your DW "doesn't want to argue about it" means its not worth discussing it with you or taking your opinion into consideration. That is the truth... I had this shit with my DH. SS was always spending more time with us because BM had better things to do than parent her kid on her own time. We were the dump site when she didn't want to make other arrangements. SS was a dumb sucker and always said yes. I was the bad guy because I didn't want his son... Till I told him that one day. Yes, I don't want your son. Your ex wife and son think they can infringe on MY time when they want, well I am telling you I don't want it. It was not a case that I didn't want his son then- it was being ignore or not having my feelings or opinion taken into account when the child's own mother didnt want to take care of him, and she played on dumbass DH sympathies to take advantage.
Well at this point even though it happens far less, I actually do resent the kid - or fucking rude disrespectable bastard is my preferred reference. Sort this out before you end up resenting not only your SK but his Mum (DW) as well.
The problem is for a lot of
The problem is for a lot of people, when it comes the the skids, we are not a team with our SO. We get either "you need to be a fully invested parent" when we disengage, or when we try to be that we get "you are being too hard on skid". There does not seem to be any in-between. This leads to a lot of resentment and hurt feelings.
No matter how much I talk to DW about this issue of BioDad taking advantage of her/us, it never sinks in. Never. There comes a point after so much civil discussion where the lack of any understanding or willingness to do anything about the situation, the stepparent eventually explodes.
I try not to yell, but when you have the same conversation 100s of times without any semblance of understanding or change, it is hard not to get frustrated with the other person.
My wife tells me all the time that I need to be patient with her because she's never been in this situation before either and it takes time to make the right choices. I agree to an extent but how long can you give someone before you just give up and recognize the fact that they are not going to change?
"you are being too hard on
"you are being too hard on skid".
DW tells this to me on a weekly basis. My response is "Yes I am. I have high expectations because I believe he can achieve them if someone actually set them!"
But yeah, like Rhinodad, I may as well be spitting in the wind because if my response to that actually sunk in, my DW wouldn't be so concerned about protecting her little tall munchkin's precious feefees.