Would your relationship be better with your SO if you got along better with your skids?
Not all, but a lot of us don't have a relationship with our skids and our SO's know exactly why. Basically we have vocalized to our SOs why we dont like their kid(s) and why we wont have a relationship with them.
Do you ever wonder if you got a long better with the skids or if they were more part of your lives or you made them more part of yours, would that help your relationship with SO?
I know for me, when I see my DH interacting more with MY BS and spending time with him, that means a lot to me and makes me happier all around.
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That is how it is for me with
That is how it is for me with OSD. I can count on one hand how many time I have been in the same vicinity with her. And all those times probably total 60-90 minutes.
Probably not. If by some
Probably not.
If by some freak accident we got along he would probably feel threatened by it.
Good question: I was tempted
Good question:
I was tempted to answer "yes it would" but that would only net me short term nookie benefits. In order to explain my answer I have to explain the actual relationship I have with my SS VS the one that DW has. My DW is so emotionally entwinned with SS, that I don't think she knows any other way to have a relationship with him.
Once upon a time I made an honest effort with my SS. I tried to play with him, take him out to the park, later for ice cream, etc. I wanted to be the "cool stepdad". DW OTOH, because she cannot see outside of her rose-colored shades, doesn't understand why I do not understand SS on the same emotional level as she does. When DW sees me doing to utter horrible act of "parenting", she swoops in like a guardian angel to protect and console SS.
So, in order to avoid any conflict with my wife, I back off and as a result I interact with my SS as little as possible. Even my Dad has made some suggestions to do some kind of "father/son" bonding activity (like fishing). I told my Dad that I see no point in it. Sure, we can have fun, but there will be no bond. There cannot be, because SS is already bonded so deeply with his mother.
Asking SS to bond with me, is like asking me to cheat on my wife. It cannot be done, because we are not wired that way.
So if you have followed this logic, if SS and I actually did manage to form a bond, I would be taking something away from DW. Do you see what I mean? DW will be the one suddenly feeling "left out". It's the same principal that applies to going out on a date but your mate bring's their BFF along. At some point in the evening, someone is going to feel like the third wheel.
The fact that I dont want the
The fact that I dont want the skids around or to deal with them or have a relationship with them puts a strain on mine and DH's relationship.
Every time he wants to see his kids and he knows I dont want them over to the house, it forces him to deal with the fact that he raised lying, cheating, stealing children that even his own wife won't accept. It forces him to think (even if just a teeny tiny bit) about his own faults as a parent. And when he does that, since it's ME that has made him start to think about it or ME that doesn't want to just brush his kids issues under the rug, he holds a little resentment towards me.
If everything could just be happy happy and everyone got along, that would make DH very happy. He could continue to stick his head in the sand. He could continue to "parent" his kids. He could continue on like he has their whole lives... even though that has gotten him and us to where we are now and the kids to where they are now.
If he didn't have to feel like he is torn between two "families" he would be happier and I think that would make our relationship better in some ways.
Ideally if I thought that I could have a real relationship with the skids and even accepting some of the bad things that may come along with it, because no one is perfect, etc then that would be great.
But because his kids are who they are, a relationship is basically out of the question. I would have to change who I am and what I believe is right and wrong and I would have to lower my morals and standards to have a relationship with them, the way things are now.
DH and I are managing along fine. Yes I wish it was better in that I know that the skids are the main cause for any tensions in our relationship.
Oh come on Rising! You can't
Oh come on Rising! You can't undergo a lobotomy to make the skids and DH happy?
LOL
Yes, it would. But the thing
Yes, it would. But the thing is, no matter how "good" it could be with SD17 (SD22 isn't much of an issue) It's never good enough, you see, SD17 has daddyyyyy wrapped so tight around her finger that no one could love her more or treat her better then him. He has expressed that he wants me to love his kids like his own- I was honest and blunt and he has VERY unrealistic expectations and he knows this. He still has hope. The more Sd17 and I get a long the more he worships her, drops what he's doing to bring her $, goes on break at work just to answer her phone call etc.
It's just all f'd up. FDH would be happier but I would be miserable. I'm friendly/cordial and keep it there. No more and sometimes less. At this point, he can't expect more from me, SD17 and I's relationship is a hair from nonexistant and we are in a better place now then we were a year ago. I'm just survivng this shit when it comes to her. When she's not around though, life is great. Sad, but true
LOL the dark days.....Oh I
LOL the dark days.....Oh I know those days... we are in the greyish mostly sunny days, sometimes partly cloudy
^^THIS^^
^^THIS^^
Not really because his mother
Not really because his mother is up our asses all the time. If we could move far away from her then our relationship would be better. }:)
No....my relationship with H
No....my relationship with H would have been wonderful if he had stepped up and parented his kid. Had not allowed her to treat me like shit. Had treated me as his partner and equal, instead of treating both the skid and I like we were each secret lovers.
My relationship with the skid would have been much improved if H had taught her to be respectful of adults and treated her like a kid instead of a mini-wife. Instead, he put us in a position where we were constantly vying for the same position in his life.
THIS!!!! Maybe it should be-
THIS!!!!
Maybe it should be- Hey SO if you would parent your skid, then our relationship would be better!
I think many of the problems
I think many of the problems we all face are due to how our SO's manage their relationships with their kids.
ETA - It was never a matter of if we got along. We got along great in the beginning. It wasn't until after H and I moved into our house, and he allowed his skid to make decorating decisions (not talking about her room, but around the house, like the kitchen, bath, living areas, dining room). I put a stop to it but it was the beginning of a long and drawn out fight for the equal adult and wife position in our home.
This sounds like you didn't
This sounds like you didn't know about your skid until after you got married.
The skids never affected my
The skids never affected my marriage as much as the stress of the GU-BM
Heck yeah DH would LOVE that
Heck yeah DH would LOVE that because it would justify him treating SD21 like the special precious delicate princess that she is (gag). When DH and I married, I got the "I want you to treat SD like she's your own child" talk. Um, sure buddy. Only there was no meeting of the minds that what he "meant" was: "I want you to give SD anything she wants, tell her how awesome she is every day, never reprimand her, be available to do anything and everything for her and never complain or resent it for an instant." No thank you. That is not how I feel about or treat "my own kids," why should I do/act like that for SD? Bleck.
I don't think it would
I don't think it would necessarily improve my relationship with DH but I know he would not feel as stressed when she's here if things were better between her and I. He always gets stressed and picks fights with me in the days leading up to her visit and then is borderline reclusive for a couple days after she leaves. I feel bad for him, but there is nothing I can do short of bow down to the spoiled brat and that will not happen in my house.