Inlaw Involvement
Hey everyone, so I have been at odds with DH for a couple of weeks over this. My inlaws are very heavily involved with SS7 and DH's ex family as a result.
This weekend is our weekend, and rather than DH going to pick up SS, inlaws offered to go do it (2.5 hour drive). While it's convenient and nice of them to offer, and saves us a trip, what pisses me off is when my MIL does pick up, she usually takes BM out for lunch, or they do a little shopping, whatever.
Chaps my ass because MIL treats me like a gold-digger and unwelcome in the family - even tho BM is the one who took half her son's shit (not me).
Understandably, this is a huge issue between DH and I, as I demand respect and a place in his home and life... all the while his shitty MIL is out having a visit with his ex-wife. I realize I project a lot of resentment onto SS7 because his existence ties so much of DH's life to his past, and tho it's not SS7's fault, it sucks that he causes these problems. (and don't kid yourself, he's a little shit head at the best of times anyway.)
So, my question is: how much involvement would you allow your inlaws to have with BM? I'm talking my MIL calls BM a few times a week to chit chat and catch up with her grandkid.
(Also I apologize that I'm MIA on this board from time to time and I don't comment/feedback as much as I should!)
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Comments
Agree - as much as I can
Agree - as much as I can accept everyone is an adult in this situation, and I have no "right" to ask my MIL to kick BM to the other side of the sandbox.... COME ON. Basic societal rules explain that this is hurtful behavior. I'm not looking to drive a wedge between any of my in-laws and their blood. But for them to behave like this and not be held a little bit accountable for being intentionally hurtful?
SS deserves a relationship with his family. This doesn't mean shopping trips, gifts and daily phone calls between BM and MIL. I think I have a point here.
If I'm supposed to bite my tongue and accept a joyous relationship between MIL and BM, I commend every step mother out there because that is total bullshit. Yes they are adults; therefore aware of their actions and behavior. They don't get a get out of jail free card because of SS.
Everything you said is
Everything you said is correct. But you cannot control other people's behavior, just your own. You need to let this one go.
You don't have a dog in this
You don't have a dog in this fight. MIL is an adult; she can socialize with who ever she wants. Don't take it out on the kids, that is just immature. And it's one of those things, if they know it rankles you, they'll do it more. Ignore, ignore ignore.
Good advice. Thanks.
Good advice. Thanks.
"how much involvement would
"how much involvement would you allow your inlaws to have with BM?"
I stay the hell out of it. Like ctnmom said, they're both adults and you can't "allow" them to do anything. My MIL and BM (or any of my IL's and BM) can talk, go to lunch, or braid each other's freaking hair while singing Kumbaya for all I care as long as they leave me out of it!
I would say the amount of
I would say the amount of involvement my MIL would have with DHs ex would be proportional to the amount of information we shared.
If MIL was BFFs with BM I would pass the time of day and not tell her one itty bitty thing I didn't want BM to know. I would be polite and discuss the flowers at Lowes or a movie. But things about our life? Never. Not unless it was common knowledge.
If BM was the copy-cat kind I would mess with her and let MIL know I was planning on new deck furniture or something and then say "Oh! Changed my mind!" once BM had spent money on new furniture.
But MIL does not talk/communicate/text/email with BM. BM did not work at her marriage and consequently her son was hurt.
My parents and my ex? Exs parents & relatives are dead. My parents are the closest he has to someone who knows him for so long. So he skypes with my Dad and sends my parents Christmas cards etc. He is always polite and respectful or my Dad would cut him off at the knees. In fact my parents said my ex is always welcome. My sisters ex? Never.
sounds exactly like my MIL.
sounds exactly like my MIL. I keep her at arm's length. and I warned my dh that when something happens to MIL that she needs help, she can call his ex.