exH is FUMING - follow up on "willing vs able"
So the ex texted me this morning asking to talk.
I tried really hard to keep us focused on our common goals for the kids: education, development, social engagements, extra curriculars, etc, etc. He seemed to take every opportunity he could to try and argue but I would not engage.
He finally said that he wanted the kids in charter schools by his home. (First of all all of the charter schools have lotteries and 100 student waiting lists, but that's not even the point. Second of all, i'm sure he has not even LOOKED at how to apply for any of those schools but that's not the point either).
I reminded him that my city was their home and always has been. I reminded him that the children spend more time with me then they do with him. He seems to think that we have 50/50 but we don't. I also reminded him that I pick them up after school each day, take them to their activities with their life long friends in MY city, take them to their doctor appts, etc, etc.
Then he began to miss speak:
exh: "Step Off, their mother lives in MY city --- uh"
me: "no actually, I'm their mother and they live with me in MY CITY"
He apologized then gave me a 5 minute speech about how I'm the mom, no one can replace me, etc, etc. I allowed him to give his little speech.
Freudian slip much? He's been trying to have SM take on more responsibility, but I digress...
me: "I do not want them moving to another city for schooling, the kids don't want to and DD13's counselor thinks it is a bad idea also"
exH:" so we're not even going to look at it"
me: "no and there are things going on at your house between DD13 and SM that you are not aware of. This is not my conversation to have with you, it is DD's and she is working with her counselor to gain the confidence to have the discussion with you."
exH : can you tell me what it's about.
me: no, it's not my conversation to have, it's DD's. but you need to know that there are things going on that you're not aware of that are affecting our dD.
exH: fine. I'll drop that for now.
The conversation then went back to schooling. He started throwing a fit stating that I was making decisions on my own, I wasn't including him, etc. etc.
Me: well, you've made it clear that you're not willing to pay $250 a month for her next placement.
exH: i never said that. prove to me i said that. Show me....blah, blah
me: I don't actually keep notes of our conversations
exH: well, i do and what i said was...
me: what you said was that you were not willing to pay $550 for ALL THREE of our children's private schooling on a monthly basies.
exH: that's correct
me: So are you also saying that if you are NOT able to do work/trade with their current school and we have to move them (as it is the most expensive school in our area) then you will not contribute $550 a month towards all three children's education?
exH: I'm not going to answer that
me: oh? why's that? you can't? or you just don't want to?
ex: we'll cross that bridge when we get there
me: so you're not willing to pitch in $550
at this point exH got REALLY huffy and puffy. He'd been slowly escalating throughout the talk but he was pretty livid right now. And I know he was even more Pisssed that I am able to remain calm during the entire discussion.
I said that I think it was time to end the conversation for now. He agreed.
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Comments
Please remember that this man
Please remember that this man is the very same one that can't get the kids to appointments on HIS days. Just this week he texted me at 9:05 am on a school day asking for a pair of pants for DS10 because his were still in the dryer and the new pair he was attempting to purchase did not fit. This is the same man that will call me to ask that I send over more school uniforms to his house because he can't seem to manage laundry or clothing (or who knows) at his own house.
Same man that has me run kids to appointments on his day because he's working. same man that has me take them to baseball or drama or pick them up on HIS day because they are working.
Same man NOT attending boy scout camp with his boys on their first year of scout camp but off to have a lovely adult weekend.
But sure. Let's by all means, pick the kids up and move them to your home for school every day.
I understand your
I understand your frustration, but telling him that your city was their home was not fair. I had a hard time getting past that. Both of your cities are their homes. It took both of you to create those kids and it will take both of you to raise them in the best way.
You need to try and work better with him. Clearly the SM does not want to be driving the kids all over, maybe you can take that into consideration as well as your needs. I know she is just the SM, but he is obviously looking for her to help him. Try and make this work. At least right now you can talk to each other on the phone. When BM started dismissing DH's opinions on raising the Steps, that is when things started deterioriating. As it stands today they can not communicate at all and my SS15 doesn't see his mom and DH doesn't see his daughter. Their conversations sounded exactly the same 7 years ago.
yes. it was a bit of a low
yes. it was a bit of a low blow. We have always lived in this city. This is where they have always lived. He now lives in his second city since moving out of our home 8 years ago. I have provided a stable home in the city where they have family and friends. I also work from home and do most of my work in the city I live in.
I try very hard to be nice to him and we typically have gotten along well. My DH says I usually just roll over and let him have his way with everything.
This is one thing that I'm NOT willing to change. And if we have to fight about it then we will.
I'm WILLING AND ABLE to pay the full amount of tuition for the kids to remain in private school. I've found two excellent places to accomodate the children's special needs and their interests. I have a sports loving kid that LOVES all clubs, etc. I have an ASD kid that is best suited for a small environment and i have my DD13 who has ADD and is more artsy and creative and I have found something for her also.
Yes. and then there's the
Yes. and then there's the actual, "well I have sole legal custody" card that I can always play.
Is he really willing to pay money to take me to court to ask a judge to move them to a public school in his neighborhood when I'm willing to pay for their private schooling in the city that they've always lived in and have always attended private school and are doing very well with all As and Bs? Oh and by the way, our court order states that he is to pay me child support, provide their medical, pay 100% of their private school tuition and pay for all extra curricular activities.
Yes, he pays child support and he pays a portion of the tuition currently (actually he does work/trade and I pay). I am the one providing medical and dental, I am the one paying for most all extras.
Does he really want to fight with me when I have been SO LENIENT with him?
Seriously?
What leg does he have to stand on?
Yes. EXACTLY with the "their
Yes. EXACTLY with the "their mother" comment. WTF was that even supposed to be?
Just proves my point that he is fucking up royally by trying to push SM into this new role as care taker while he runs around with his business.
The schools are a bit better in his town. I agree. But they are NOT better than any of the private school options that I'm willing to pay for on my own in the city we have always lived in.
I'm not sure what came first: his desire to move them to his town or the desire not to pay. I think he is trying to find a way not to continue to pay.
DD13 told me that "my city" is her home and that exH's town (or home) doesn't feel the same. The boys tell me that we shouldn't ever move because they won't see dad as much (because they are with me SO much and they consider my home to be their home).
I don't blame them as I spend way more time with them, was a stay at home mom before they went to school and now that I work, I work from home so I can still be their primary care giver and SPEND TIME WITH MY CHILDREN.
Yes. I have sole legal
Yes. I have sole legal custody and he is ordered to pay all of that stuff per the court order.
Early on, he stated he was struggling to pay everything so we made a new verbal agreement. I got better insurance so i put them on mine. I get child support and I make fair money now, so I don't usually even bother asking him to help with paying for extras.
This will all change.
I'm not sure the issues are
I'm not sure the issues are that bad and I know that my children LOVE spending time with their father. I wouldn't want to change the amount of time they have with him.
My problem is that he is trying to push SM to take up his slack and it is not going well. It's not going to get better as DD13 is entering her teens and well... we all know that this is not the best time for exH to be pushing SM into these roles (especially when she does not seem to be very good at it and is causing additional conflict).
She's told him over and over
She's told him over and over that she did NOT want to play this role in their lives. She had a bad relationship with her step parents and does not want to repeat it by overstepping, however exH is pushing her.
I was a former member five
I was a former member five years ago and have been a reader for awhile since. Anyway, it does sound like you handle your children's father very professionally and in a respectful way. It seems like you both have your children's best interest at heart and may just be on different pages. However, what I am also hearing is some underlying jealousy or too much emotional investment in him. For example, the scout weekend. It is on your weekend, correct? Dad should not feel guilty or receive any remarks for having a lovely adult weekend. That is something I am very sensitive about. Our weekends, with and without kids, are sacred. On our weekends without our bio children, we often make adult plans! If Dad or Mom misses an activity on the other parent's weekend, that is life! You have no right to insinuate he is NOT a good father for having other plans on YOUR weekend. Also, I would stop keeping record of where he falls short and focus on what he is doing right. If you feel resentful for taking them to activities, appointments, etc. on HIS time, stop doing it. He is using you because he knows he can. Stop enabling him and let him parent and figure it out. If he misses an appointment, document. I guarantee he won't again. It almost seems like he is being treated like another one of your children? I hope he wasn't scolded for missing camp too. Maybe you should try some parallel parenting with him rather than co-parenting?
I totally agree that his
I totally agree that his weekends are his weekends. However, he makes it a point to tell me over and over how involved he is (when he can't seem to get a child to a baseball game on his day). Or he tells me how happy he is that the boys are doing these activities and says he'll participate - but doesn't attend meetings or events.
He also will not take them to their events on his weekends WITH the kids. For example he made other plans and wasn't going to be able to take my daughter to her championship softball game or my son to his big basball event at the Major League stadium near our home where he got to be in the opening ceremony. He just made other plans and didn't even bother to try and make plans for the kids to attend their big events. He was just going to send them to his dad's. I happened to ask the week of and offered to keep them at my home and bring them all to their events that weekend.
For the record, I come here to vent and I do not EVER state any of these things to him -my list of all his recent faults and mess ups.
I take up the slack because my kids would miss out.
DH says the same thing, "stop taking them when it's his day" But then they will miss out, over and over.
How far away are your 2
How far away are your 2 towns? We live in SOCAL...and we are just one city after another. I know when my SO moved out of the city where skids live BM made a big deal of it. We moved maybe 20 minutes away, she was like 'you are moving away from your kids?' Kids went to private schools so it didn't matter what town anyone lives in. It was just closer to SO's new job and less of a drive for him. Yes he was no longer within a mile of the skids, but they were driving themselves around by that time. I too couldn't get past how you made a big deal of your city is 'their home'. SO hears that all the time, he know it, but he doesn't need to be reminded of it. People move, people get new jobs, we move a lot of times for convenience. I don't reminding him that he was the one who moved away helps any. Personally, I don't think private elementary and middle are that important unless you live in an awful school district. I would rather save that money for higher education, perhaps private high school and definitely college. So is your ex paying child support and for private school. My SO paid child support and it was up to BM to decide how to use it, private school or not.
I'm not trying to be an ass
I'm not trying to be an ass here...because mostly I agree with you...BUT
If you're going to bring up some "issue" your DD has with her SM then you need to tell him what the hell it is. Not play the "well, it's her thing to tell you...ther'es a problem but I won't tell you what it is" game. That's bullshit. You either say NOTHING or you TELL HIM. Because, frankly, how many of our BMs have pulled shit like that? And how many times have our DH's been assholes to us because "BM said that you're upsetting poopsiekins" without any details? And doesn't that piss us off?
I couldn't agree with you
I couldn't agree with you more! BM pulls this shit with us ALL. THE. TIME.
If there is a problem, tell us what it is. Don't beat around the bush and turn it into a game.
Its like when your in grade 5 and tell your best friend "Oh I have a secret. But im not allowed to tell you. I promised". Why even bring it up? That's childish. No offence
I'm sorry that your bm puts
I'm sorry that your bm puts you in that position. My daughter is currently in counseling and this is something she is working on - speaking up for herself. The counselor mentioned the concern to me in confidence. Both the ex and I think very highly of this counselor.
I felt it necessary to clue him in of the issue. But it is not " my" discussion to have with him. I do not know specifics and details. I am the mother and I've alerted him that there is more to be considered than what he is aware of and that our daughter will be approaching him soon.