Biodaughter refusing to see her stepmother...
I'm in a bit of a situation now. My BD, who is 8 1/2, does not want to see her stepmother. I have full custody and her dad sees her twice a month (maybe) for 3 or 4 hours...Initially, she was able to stay at their house on Friday nights when he was going to see her but after his fiance refused to stop bathing her, straightening her hair and finally waxing her arms, I put the breaks on it. Mind you, she was 6, almost 7 when all of this was going on. I left my ex when she was 3 1/2 years old and for the first almost 2 years that I was gone he did less than nothing, barely even seeing her and not providing a thing.
At the beginning she would go with them, no problem...But as she has gotten older, she has been refusing to see her. She says that his fiance is mean to her when he's not there and that she gets yelled at all the time. She says that his fiance's nephew gets special treatment and that she doesn't even get affection from this woman even though she is capable of showing it to her nephew.
My daughter has told me she wants to see her dad but is asking for this 6-8 hours a month of his full, undivided attention. I have brought this up to him but he refuses to leave his fiance at home so he could spend some one on one time with his daughter; even though she is begging for it. The last two weekends he has come by have been horrible. The first weekend I couldn't let her go because he was drunk and the fiance was driving him around and the second weekend, he lied to me and told me that he was going to give her his time...When my daughter came home she looked at me with tears in her eyes and said, "I didn't know he was going to pick her up but he did and then he told me that you said that I didn't like him. Why would you tell him that, mom?" My heart broke. I have never spoken ill of her father or his fiance. I showed her the text message so she would be clear that I tell him the opposite. I tell him that she loves him and wants to spend time alone with him. Why he would lie to her so blatantly is beyond me...Especially in such a horrible manner, pinning me against her.
Now, our "love" story is long and complicated. We were together for 6 years, he was a bad boyfriend, bad fiance and just a bad person all around...He did nothing for me when I was pregnant and did nothing after our daughter was born...He even hid/denied her existence from his friends/family/coworkers...His name is not on the birth certificate because we weren't married and he refused to sign the paperwork. He doesn't give me child support, he does pay for her College Plan and he just started paying for her health insurance three months ago...Sometimes, he pays for her school lunch but has only done so a handful of times. He was paying child support but since she stopped staying overnight at his house, he doesn't give me a dime. He was barely around when she was a baby instead he spent all his free time with other girls or working, he never saw our daughter...Never held her, never took her on walks or to the park. He would kick me out of the house if the baby cried...His fiance was the main cause for our break up...within a week of me moving out of our own house, she had moved in. She threw away all of her baby items, photos, clothes, books, toys, her birth records from the hospital....EVERYTHING...even though I asked my ex for time so I could get them into a storage unit and he had granted it...Everything that I would've kept since she is my only BD...My fiance and I aren't having anymore kids.
I don't know what to do. I'm on both sides of this situation being a stepmom and a biomom and I understand why a child would ask for more time with their bioparent alone, especially if said parent isn't spending enough time with the child as it is. In our current home situation, when my SKs are with us, I try to make myself invisible so they get to spend time with their dad and not me AND their dad...We have the weekends for family time. I also feel like I have already put in my time with my fiance's kids who I have been around for almost 4 1/2 years while my ex and his fiance barely know my daughter. We have my fiance's kids 2 - 3 times a week and every other weekend and I feel like the time he spends alone with them, even if its at home helping with homework, is beneficial for the kids. They get to have their dad even if its just for a few hours a week, without him paying attention to anyone other than them. I have read that kids shouldn't have a say if and when their bio-parent is picking them up and that in refusing to let her go I am giving her all this power but in all reality, if either of my step kids asked specifically for one on one time with their dad, I would not get in the middle and his kids.
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First off, my daughter is 8
First off, my daughter is 8 almost 9. I don't think she's trying to manipulate the situation and I trust her. This mess is made by them from the start when she started staying at their house. He lost the privilege to have BD in his home when they tried to wax her arms. He isn't allowed to take her to his house. He takes her out to the movies, maybe to dinner and he brings her right back. That is his visitation. They want her to stay at their house but at the end of the day, I don't trust them. She complains that they only feed her cereal, they make her stay in her room, she isn't allowed to come down if there are visitors. Plus, they don't respect me when it comes to her personal things, like her hair, nails, make up. She doesn't need her privates washed by anyone, not even me, she also requested that her hair not be straightened, I asked them not to put hairspray in her hair because she was getting dandruff. I'm sorry if I don't think that a 6 year old should be wearing fire red nail polish. These are things that I feel, if my skids BMs asked me not to do, I wouldn't do. There are reasons why I don't want my 6 year old wearing eyeliner.
His gf might have a bond with her nephew but that doesn't mean that she gets to yell, roll her eyes or give my BD attitude for no reason. I mean, my daughter was at their house for one night every fifteen days and this woman couldn't be kind?
Her father has never been a good dad and I didn't really choose him, things happen and children shouldn't have to pay for an adults mistake. I am not trying to make him do anything. I am telling him what his own BD is telling him. He has no rights, he isn't on the birth certificate so anything he gets, he's lucky to get. I don't ask him for money, physical money. All he has ever done is pay her college plan and now, he pays her health insurance. If I take him to court, I could get a nice chunk of change but I don't because I honestly don't care about the money. All I care about is the well being of BD.
If my fiance's ex asked me not to do certain things to their daughter, I wouldn't do them nor would I allow the kids while in my care to do those things. I respect my skids mothers wishes when it comes to their personal stuff such as hair, make up, baths. I don't cut my SDs hair because her mother wants it long even though I don't agree with it and if her mother asked me not to bathe her, I wouldn't even wash her hair. I wasn't asking for ridiculous things and she was a baby still, barely in Kindergarten.
Situations are different, my
Situations are different, my skids tell people they love me and the youngest one calls me mama. I believe my daughter. She's never had any reason to manipulate me or the situation. She knows that her dad and I are never getting back together and that we are happier now than ever. I talk to her about things, I tell her that she has to accept her stepmother and she flat out says, "No mom. I will never like her. She rolls her eyes at me and when my dad isn't there she doesn't even talk to me." She's not the type to make things up to get her way, she was never spoiled and she isn't being raised to think that she is the center of anyone's universe.
I've been one of the lucky
I've been one of the lucky stepmoms on here. The BMs are pretty much okay with me and their kids. We had some issues way back in the beginning but they were taken care of very quickly and I think the BMs know that I'm not evil with their kids. The kids know that their moms and I are united on their upbringing and if there are any major problems, their BMs will be made aware of the situation if its something small, dad takes care of it. The moms for the most part are civil and i've been with the kids since they were really young. The three of them are growing up together, they see how I treat them and that it is all equal.
And as far as my daughter, I've always told her that it was okay to love her SM and that she will have to accept her. But no matter what i've told her or how much i've comforted her about it, her mind hasn't changed. I am very open with my daughter and she knows that her dad and I weren't happy together and that there is no chance we will be together ever again. She knows i'm happy and that her dad is happy with someone else.
This is a tricky area BUT I
This is a tricky area BUT I will say that BM just got custody of her oldest child back from that child's father because of "mean Stepmom". The case worker said that the dad's girlfriend was so evil to her that unless the father left the GF he would lose custody.
You can take it up to court and have a GAL take a look at the situation. Considering how little she sees her dad I would think you have a case to force that time to be one on one.
But as I said before, you
But as I said before, you can't MAKE him be a good dad. For better or worse, he's the man you chose to be her dad.
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I am very surprised to see you say this!
Anywho....OP..go to court and get a visitation schedule in a CO. The SM in your story sounds like a freaking loon so get supervised visits.
And FYI --- you are not going to get very many unbiased opinions on this board, about this subject, because you are new and one of your first post is as a BM not a stepmom. So NO MATTER what you do or say, you will be wrong. Sorry.
Oh, this isn't my first post.
Oh, this isn't my first post. My first post was about my home life with my skids but that one wasn't as popular as this one...I guess since it was BM who posted, many people commented. I still haven't read through all the comments.
Omg. This would infuriate me.
Omg. This would infuriate me. Waxing her arms?! That's insane. I'm assuming there is no CO and you are letting him see her for your daughter's sake? I'm pretty sure I'd only allow him to see her "supervised", as in, in public, like at a park or a restaurant for a few hours EOWend or every weekend. I know that sounds extreme, but I wouldn't trust a woman who thought waxing a little girl's arms was okay. Is that not abuse? Waxing hurts! The rest is debatable.
It did infuriate me because
It did infuriate me because i'm on both sides of the situations, i'm also a step mom to 2 kids who I wouldn't dare even try to cut their hair. At the end of the day I am not their mom and I respect their BMs. The rest is a crazy mess that would leave many people on here shocked.
Ladyface... It is kind of
Ladyface...
It is kind of like saying she asked for this so she is not allowed to be upset about her ex being an ass.
I'm not trying to control
I'm not trying to control him. I just didn't know if I was right in not forcing my BD to see him. Its a difficult place to be in. On one hand my BD cries to me about going to see him AND his gf but on the other hand she wants to see her dad alone. I can't make him see her alone but I can also not let her see him all together.
It is just a very condensing
It is just a very condensing statement. Like "you knew what you were getting into so you can't be surprised". Just unusual to hear that from you.
Unfortunately hindsight is a
Unfortunately hindsight is a wonderful thing and sometimes the searing insights into what an arse your partner is come too late. After commitments have been made and children conceived. Not many people would choose to have children with someone they knew would be a bad partner or parent, or indeed choose to be a stepparent with that person. At the time you have your rose tinted spectacles on and are seeing the best in the other person, and hoping for change in the areas that may concern you. Love is a cruel thing, and it can really mess with your 20/20 arsehole spotting vision.
You don't base having a child
You don't base having a child that was unplanned on whether or not the father is a decent person. When I found out, we were already broken up. My mistake was letting him know I was pregnant. All I was doing was trying to do right by my BD. I didn't want her to grow up with our her father but it seems like that is just going to be the case. At any rate, her stepfather adores her and treats her just like she was his own. So, if she has her BD or SD, she will have a father figure one way or another. It's not like I can expect anything more from her BD, I mean, he doesn't treat any of the women in his life with respect, not his gf, mother or sister...I just wanted to give my BD a chance with her dad.
OP, there are some aspects of
OP, there are some aspects of your description that confuse me. For example, does the father have to sign something to be on the birth certificate? Here in the UK it's up to the mother or parent registering the birth to put it on the certificate, the father doesn't have to agree to have his name on the certificate. If the GF/stepmum doesn't care about your daughter and does nothing but yell at her and be mean, they why was she going to the care and trouble to bathe your daughter and help her with her appearance? I'm not condoning the waxing - that is bizarre and inappropriate for a child that age, but the washing and the straightening and the waxing suggests some level of care and time being taken doesn't it? How did you go about asking Dad not to do that? Has stepmum's reported lack of tolerance with your daughter started since objections were made to her 'helping' your daughter? Has she taken a 'fine, if my efforts aren't appreciate I won't bother as much any more' attitude? Has it now become a vicious circle with everyone offended and antagonistic with everyone else?
Here's a possible interpretation from their side:
Stepmum: this child looks a mess and needs a good wash and some attention paid to her appearance
Dad: oh ok (happily lets partner step up and do most of the work (how often do we see THAT happen on this board))
Mum: I don't like what stepmum has done. I'm going to lay down the law. Stepmum is not allowed to bath my daughter. It must be stopped. I am going to reduce your access
Stepmum: oh great, I go to all this trouble and now I get in trouble for it. Right I will go to a lot less effort and frankly I kind of resent stepdaughter now so I am less tolerant and more likely to tell her off about stuff
Dad: That bitch is trying to tell me what I can and can't do in my own home and now she's threatening me by reducing access. I'm not giving in to that so I am going to insist that my partner is still a part of my daughters time with me
And so on...
Yes, if you aren't married
Yes, if you aren't married the father signs a paternity paper and his name gets put on the birth certificate. This way he has rights. He has to sign it in order for it to be legal.
She was doing those things out of spite. My daughter was between 6 and 7, I wasn't bathing her anymore and I was asking her to stop because she was older and could do it herself already. She never cared about her appearance, she cared about KEEPING UP THEIR APPEARANCES. My daughter had very wavy hair and her little curls would stick out sometimes, she didn't like that so she straightened it, put oil and hairspray and pretty much aggravated the dandruff situation that I now have to deal with. Waxing a 6 year old is not cool, especially not hot wax and pulling it off. My daughter isn't close to a teen yet, why would she want to do these things. I asked him not to do these things because I didn't want her to start thinking about "beauty" until she was older. She is too young to be thinking about what looks sexy. I explained to him that I didnt feel it was healthy for such a young girl to have to think about these kinds of things, all she needed to think about is staying clean. Until now that she is 8 1/2 is when I started teaching her about matching her outfits, she is still not allowed to wear red nail polish or straighten her hair.
Oh, she was never offended. She didn't stop bathing or any of that until I took her away because of the waxing incident and they don't have her overnight anymore. They had her from the time she was 4 1/2 until 7 1/2 for overnight stays, so she was still having her privates washed at that 7 1/2. I personally don't think that is normal. I even had my fiance stop bathing his daughter when she was 6 because at that age, I don't think anyone but they should be touching themselves down there. And I'm sorry, but my daughter never, ever went to their house dirty or her hair undone. I may not want her to grow up so fast with the make up but I did show her that having a neat, clean outward appearance is something good and should always be something to strive for. On the contrary, she would come back wearing clothes that were too small and her hair was always a mess.
BDs arms are hairy and she
BDs arms are hairy and she did get teased at school but I had told her no shaving because I had hairy arms when I was little and now, I don't. I told her she would out grow it. I know she complained to her dad about the hair but come on, if I have asked you not to straighten her hair why would you think it was okay to wax her arms? Or any kids arms at that age? We all know waxing hurts like crazy and then the bumps that might come with it. She no longer gets teased at school because of her arms, she has learned to stick up for herself.
She has talked to him about seeing each other alone but he thinks she's making stuff up. He bases his opinion on the fact that his sister bad mouthed their stepmother and caused a lot of problems between them and their dad.
At this point, I dont want to pony up the $400 it would take to get paternity established and he doesnt want to do it either so...Courts would cost money that neither of us wants to spend and I am at my wits end with him. I have been trying to work with him for years and he just wants to do things his way. He wants things the way he wants them for selfish reasons.
He has tons of money and
He has tons of money and while I dont need his money, I cant afford to go to court. I have three kids, where as he has two tiny dogs...If he really wanted his daughter, he could have done the court thing himself.
My daughter hasn't been to their house in a few years so she was younger when all the waxing stuff was going, so she didn't really know what to do.
As far as sticking up to her stepmother, yea, she's tried that but her dad always interjects and basically makes her. And now that she can slam doors and stuff, I dont allow her in their home anymore.
Stepmother and I have spoken.
Stepmother and I have spoken. I always get this said, "Why dont you come to our house and see how we treat her?" Thats all fine and dandy but what matters is how you treat her when no one is around.
I spoke to her about her hair, nails but she didn't really care much because she kept on doing it. I gave up on that situation because it was a losing battle. Can you imagine that? A BM who caves to SM??? I took BD away from her dad because of the waxing incident. That was the last straw and something that I could not ignore. Everyone, especially someone over the age of 21, knows that waxing is painful so if she was willing to do this to a little kid, I knew there was something wrong with the SM.
THIS Take him to court. Tell
THIS
Take him to court. Tell the judge about the crazy SM and he/she MIGHT limit her involvement with your daughter.
Because that is one thing
Because that is one thing that I don't need from him and in all reality, taking his money wont solve any issues he has with his daughter or myself. It might just aggravate the situation and make it worse for my BD.
Is it whack? And if it is,
Is it whack? And if it is, for who? If he really wanted to have real visitation and be a real part of her life, he has had countless opportunities. He has never stepped up to the the plate. All I wanted to know was if I was giving BD to much power over who she saw and when. I read so many comments where this can become a problem because the kid shouldn't make these kind of decisions but no one knows the whole back story to this situation. It isn't like this was created yesterday. This started the moment I came home from the hospital. He never tried to bond with her and now, he doesn't make much of an effort. I know if I take him to court, the judge would side with me because its been 8 years and he hasn't even been to one of her ballet recitals or seen her sing at church.
If she tells her dad that she wants alone time and he doesn't want to give her that, what do you think is happening in that 8 year old mind? She's already told me that her dad has chosen his gf over her. And I've told her no, that it isn't the case that he loves her too. I can't make him do anything and neither can a judge...The only person who can make themselves want to get to know their kid is the parent.
No, she says she wants alone
No, she says she wants alone time with dad. When she stayed at their house, they would leave her at the gf's moms house and go out to party. Another reason why I don't trust him. I'm sorry if I don't agree with the fiance thing, because I was witness to how she treats my daughter and it was heart breaking and all I could do was watch her drive away. So, I have tried...over and over and over again. I have put myself and feelings aside so she could have her BD but they don't want to change and i'm tired of bending over backwards for them.
As for court, I am not planning to pay for it. It would be easier for my fiance to adopt my daughter than try to get $ from my ex or have a court make him visit alone, which I doubt he would honor anyway.
1. TAKE HIM TO COURT - it
1. TAKE HIM TO COURT - it isn't YOUR money to decide whether or not you need it. He is a father and if he can't voluntarily take care of and be a proper father to her, at LEAST he can damn well pay for some of her expenses! If you truly don't "need" the money (your daughter's money), then put it in a college fund for her. Or a retirement fund if you think she won't need money for college.
2. Address your concerns and your child's actions/reactions as well as the SMs. Make sure you are documenting ALL of this, including your texts.
Sounds like he is a very uninvolved person no matter what....even with the SM
In all reality, if he
In all reality, if he wouldn't want to come around it is probably for the best. He is already paying for her college fund and he pays for her insurance. I'd rather not deal with this drama anymore. She is happy with me and even though she misses him, it isn't an ache for him. She never had him to begin with, how can she miss something she never had?
I have all our emails and text messages saved.
Yes, he has never, ever truly been involved with her and his gf, that was a fluke. That was him trying to save face for our neighbors when I left him because of who he is. BTW, he hasn't changed at all. He is the same inconsiderate person he was when we met almost 10 years ago...Maybe even worse now cause he has a ton of money.
This post is just the tip of
This post is just the tip of the iceberg. I just didn't know if I should let my daughter decide whether or not she should see her dad.
I know we shouldn't let our kids decide these things but our story goes beyond anything that has happened in the past 5 years. The problems have been happening since I was pregnant.
All I know is, he never had a relationship with her and she wants one...But she wants one with him, she isn't ready for her stepmother. I can't blame her, all she really knows about her dad is the superficial stuff...I mean, who tells the BM that they can't speak to their child unless they have a few drinks in them because it makes them more social??? That is not the response of a responsible adult let alone someone who I would want around my child. This is what she sees, this is what she hears...Many times he has picked her up and you can tell he was up all night drinking.
What I will always see is that he is allowed time with his daughter. No one ever says he can't see her, she isn't asking for much...She wants to be picked up by her dad to spend time alone with him, just 3 hours every other Saturday...How hard is that to do? If I had to leave my fiance for 3 hours every other Saturday to see her, I would...And if he had to do the same, I wouldn't want to be in the middle of it. I invite him to all school and church functions, he never shows...I make her call him, he doesn't answer...She has a cell phone that is paid for by her grandfather, he never calls her.
I see it from all sides, adults and kids...I understand why he wants to have his fiance around, I understand why she wants her dad alone but we all make sacrifices for our children and he never has made any sacrifices...Everything is always on his terms on his time....If this is the only thing that is asked of him and he can't do it then he doesn't deserve anything.