Dh does not have time for a wife
So another update since my h checked out on me emotionally almost two weeks ago. We were civil at the weekend and intimate but apart from that we were distant towards each other. We had ss sat and Sunday and of course I felt again ignored but left it go. We had a long weekend here so dh was off work Monday. He dropped ss home on Sunday night and I thought to mYself "I'm getting a date day". I got dressed up all pretty and was so excited.
So we get in the car and dh says "I told ss I'd collect him today and we'd do something". I just got so upset. Dh asked me why I didn't speak. He called me out on it again and I replied "because we have spent no time together in weekdays, we have almost broken up this week and you don't think I'd like to spend one frigging day with my wife?". We get ss every weekend. His reply "I used to have ss every wed, fri, sat and sun and I would again although I can't because of you. I love spending that time with him. I don't enjoy when ss goes to bed like you do or the hour before I collect him on Saturday morning". I actually just looked at him while he was shouting and telling me that I had made all of this up in my head. He said I have to work and the time with ss is just not enough . I just said why couldn't you of just said I'm sorry I didn't realise this day was so important. We've had ss sat and sun lets do something just us. Why couldn't he have said I didn't relaid you were feeling excluded next time tell me and I'll give you a hug? Instead he shouts, tells me this relationship is not working out and that I have imagined up this problem. So I guess my dh has no time to fit his wife into his schedule or to listen to her when she says she feels unimportant to him. I have decided that I'm going to ask for a divorce because I will not spend my life begging for scraps of attention or affection that is not sex. So over it eugh!!!
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No we have no kids thankfully
No we have no kids thankfully which will make it easier. Just sad I left a good job and the country I was living in when I met dh 3 years ago. But I'm trying not to focus on that and instead look to the future without dh. I live away from family and friends and am starting a new job in 3 weeks so will have to find somewhere to live in this city and soon.
Thank goodness you are
Thank goodness you are finally standing up for yourself. He does not deserve you. He does not deserve a wife period. He's emotionally incapable of having an adult relationship. Of course a relationship requires time, effort, intimacy, nurturing, and compromise. If he has NOTHING emotionally to offer a marriage, should have remained a moping single father. I'm so happy to hear you have decided that you deserve better than this.
Thanks bad fairy. It's def
Thanks bad fairy. It's def time to move on from this mess and leave him have uninterrupted time with his son as much as he wants.
If that's how he feels, he
If that's how he feels, he should not have gotten into a relationship and a marriage.
I'm sorry you are going through this.
This is why I do not feel
This is why I do not feel that people should remarry if they have small kids. His focus is where it should be. On his small child.
I am sorry you got caught up in this, but maybe you just need to realize that his first focus will be his child. At least for a while.
I agree with Willow 100%
I agree with Willow 100%
Disagree. I was brought up,
Disagree. I was brought up, as was my SO that your partner should be your #1 priority. Kids grow up, move out and have their own lives and own families. If you do not make your partner your number 1 then where will you be when your kids leave? Alone. That's where.
You are able to have a
You are able to have a balanced attitude about marriage, and know the importance of nurturing your relationship but many parents are not capable of being balanced. These are the ones that should not date. It's not fair to the other person. All the OP's selfish prick of husband wanted was a sounding board for his Oh my poor precious spawn laments that he could bang on a regular basis. He's dead wrong.
I disagree to a point. Yes,
I disagree to a point. Yes, marriage/spouses get priority to a certain point. Considering this SS use to see his father one evening a week (Wednesday) and every Fri-Sun, but is now down to 8 times a month (Sat morning through Sunday evening)...it sounds as if the DH has already compromised some to give OP more attention. Like 22dys a month. OP states that even on the Sat-Sun she is included in activities. What OP would prefer though is getting a chunk of the SS visitation time with his father to herself and DH.
That's not very realistic when one considers OP married an involved parent who has a desire to actually spend time with his child. It's not the child's fault OP and/or Dad both work during the week and that their work schedules make 'us' time difficult during the 22dys that OP/DH have to totally commit to just each other. Both adults could try and rearrange their schedules or seek more accommodating employment places. There is something wrong when two grown adults committed to a marriage can't manage to have private couple man/wife time when the child only visits for an entirety of 4 overnights and 8 mostly full days. It rather appears that neither adult puts much of a priority on their own marriage during the majority of the month that could be used.
And as to the 'the guy will be alone' bit if he doesn't designate 30 days a month to his SO/GF/DW because he didn't give her his every waking hour likely isn't all that much of a 'threat' to a divorced father...he's been married before. He's likely had other GFs and relationships inbetween. This isn't his first rodeo. It doesn't sound as if he plans to give up spending what little time he does have being a parent and a father. I think if the goal is to make a marriage a number 1 priority it needs to be worked very seriously on during the other 22dys a month. Because as it seems to stand for OP now, the only way she'll ever feel important and/or 'the priority' is for this guy to cease being a parent oh, except for a maybe 4 days a month. What then? Is next just 2 days? Is OP and their marriage then 'the priority'?
For the marriage to be a priority it needs to be taken into consideration that these two adults work together, rearranging daily life as they live it now and still accommodating a way to fit a small 11yr old into his father's life. What would happen if BM poofed? What would happen if this child had only his father left? If OP doesn't feel special and that their marriage is a priority to DH now, what then? I think there's much more doomed in this marriage now and it's not necessarily due to the weekend visits of a child.
I don't really accept that
I don't really accept that his focus should be purely on his child. Ss is 11. Yes of course he needs to spend time with his son. He was here as usual sat and Sunday like he is every weekend per mantle glued to dh's side. The only time I literally get alone to speak to dh is the hour after ss goes to bed. I think he should also give some focus to his wife. At the moment the only thing I think I provide dh that ss can't is sex so that's why he keeps me around. Not a nice way to feel.
Thank you ripley this
Thank you ripley this contains loads of good advice. Dh asked me to stay this morning so I will give him one final chance. I think we absolutely need to improve our communication skills. I want to start working on myself too and improving my own reactions to his actions. Quite frankly I don't want to be "fullofresentment" anymore xoxo
why do parents agree to EVERY
why do parents agree to EVERY WEEKEND?
I have never seen a blog that it isnt an issue.
If you think about it, if you have a school age child or a parent that works, then the weekend parent really does get the "lions share" of the childs time that they are not attending school or sleeping.
It is like having a kid and having off every weekend.
Must be nice for those BM's
Agreed. Before my ex moved
Agreed. Before my ex moved out of state (and the kids were smaller - they're teens now), we basically rotated so it was pretty dang close to 50/50 and by default we were both EOWE. This worked out FABULOUSLY.
I don't see why more people don't agree to a 50/50 split when they're local.
Yep the bm in this case is
Yep the bm in this case is only delighted to have the weekends to herself. She also sends as to gbm house every Friday night so I reckon the real reason ss is there during the week is for the paycheck seeing as she couldn't possibly be spending any time with him. She was even fine about having ss on Christmas Day. Dh of course is delighted to do this for bm!
I think the honest truth is
I think the honest truth is that he's not spending time with you because he doesn't want to spend time with you. Your recent posts have been a catalogue of him going out without you, working late, and then spending time with SS. SS is not the barrier to the time and attention you need and deserve. It's DH. If he wanted to he could pay you attention and make you feel loved and special on the evenings you have together, but for whatever reason he is averse to doing so.
I know that's deeply hurtful but in the past I have been very obtuse about reading the messages my husband was sending to me when we were in conflict and sometimes it's been a lot simpler than I wanted to realise. It seems likely that he made plans with SS on the bank holiday because he didn't want to be alone with you.
As to whether his priorities are right or not - I know the whole 'my partner is the no1 priority' concept is very popular, I personally don't agree with that when children are young. I have a 2,5 and 7 year old with DH. They are hands down my first priority. For that reason, and because of my personal experience of the stress of trying to manage a blended family with DH's children, I would not invest in a new relationship if I split from DH until the children were much older. If your DH really wants SS to be his priority then he should never have committed to another relationship. It's heartbreaking when these men think they can have their cake and eat it, they entice a new partner in with a honeymoon period of attentiveness and promises, and then expect them to join the stepchild support team without complaint. Instead of recognising their own culpability in the mess they have created they then blame their partner for perfectly natural and normal expectations about the consideration and attentiveness and time they deserve.
What I have always found
What I have always found amazing (still do) is that in the marriage between the bio-parents, surely, these kids were not the 100% center of attention. I guarantee that. Somehow in subsequent marriages, they (kids) supercede EVERYTHING. My xH openly admitted that to me on more than one occasion. So, is this behavior some sort of 'offering' b/c the bios couldn't hold it together or what?!?
@OP,
I feel badly for you. No one would knowingly sign up to be second best for life. I know I sure as hell didn't but, that's where I was placed. You deserve so much better. And please no more 'play time' for him until he has time for YOU!