What happens when your at an impasse in your marriage?
I've had one foot out the door for a long time, over various things. Mainly to do with DH not being a true partner to me more than anything. He has always let me shoulder all the responsibilities of the household, until I told him I wanted a divorce about 5 months ago and he begged me to stay and that he would change.
Well I stayed like a dummy. He changed but I notice things. We were having an argument last night because I've been pissy lately and I said "I've been pissy lately because I think you are doing things just to please me and make me stay, not because you truly want to do them". And he said "Well that's partly true, but if doing these things aren't going to please you anyway then what's the point of me even trying?"
I think we're at an impasse.
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I've been there too. Mine was
I've been there too. Mine was trying all weekend and I was pissy at him. He even said I was being an asshole. My response? Well you're an asshole all the time I thought I'd take this weekend.
It happens. It takes a bit for the resentment and bitterness to subside and to be open again.
Don't you do things just to
Don't you do things just to 'please him'? I do lots of things that I don't particularly enjoy doing because I know it pleases SO, and I'm sure he does the same. And sorry. but I have to agree with your DH .."but if doing these things aren't going to please you anyway then what's the point of me even trying?" I think the fact that he is trying and making changes to please you says a lot! Of course that is just my opinion and I don't know what any of these things are. Perhaps there are other issues or the resentment has just gotten so high, but it won't make any difference what changes are made, your resentment will not go away.
I agree. I think if DH is
I agree. I think if DH is doing things that you've requested in order to improve the relationship, I fail to see why his intent matters. Isn't it good that he's doing something to make you happy :?
I guess I'd need an example to understand why this is a bad thing.
Sorry guys, I know that was
Sorry guys, I know that was vague. I'm at work and trying to type without getting noticed.
I will post something longer with what is going on tomorrow.
Thank you for everyone's point of view - it does help because I'm struggling.
One thing I can quickly add is that DH never wanted to help run the household. In any aspect. No cleaning, no maintenance, no upkeep or contributing. Amoung other things, it wore me out. I was confused because I don't know why he would even want to be married and buy a house if you don't want to do normal everyday household things. Suddenly, I want out and now he's falling all over himself to do things. It's annoying the hell out of me because I think I have too many years of resentment built up.
I want him to want to be a true partner, not just do things because I say to do them.
So you want him to be someone
So you want him to be someone else?
Listen, you married him knowing who he was. For a long time, it bothered you that not only did he not want to do household things, but that he didn't do them. He did not meet your needs to the point where you were ready to throw in the towel.
That shocked him into realizing that he hadn't been meeting your needs. And now he's trying. Think of that - the man who doesn't want anything to do with household stuff is doing it! For you! Because he wants to meet your needs!
And you're hung up on the fact that now you want him to develop the superpower of going back and re-writing history, and you want him to pretend that doing these household things is something that is driven from within him? ... Why? Does it make it more valuable if he's turned into someone with different preferences? I think the opposite. Doing something that you hate to do because it means a lot to your partner is sweet, and frankly, more meaningful than if it was something they'd be doing anyway.
I have two suggestions for you:
1) The Five Love Languages. There's a book, but there's also a website where you and DH can take a quiz about what love language you speak. Chances are, you are both trying to communicate love to one another in your preferred mode of receiving love, as most people do. Problems arise when you don't receive love in the exact same way. You're both trying, but the other person isn't speaking your language. It's a really simple fix to start giving love in the way your partner receives it. And I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that your preferred language is "acts of service".
2) Dig deeper within yourself for the real reason that you're upset. I see someone who is distancing herself, and I don't think frustration over why he's doing something that you asked him to do is the real reason. I do this myself, so I am familiar with the process: Have something churning in your mind that is bothering you, then find any reason to create distance and destroy intimacy, but don't be honest with yourself or your partner about the reason why. It's no fun being on the receiving end of this, and I have to try really hard to identify the reasons I'm really upset. And they're usually about me, not him. Sometimes I'm feeling insecure, sometimes I'm scared, sometimes I feel like I want a guarantee that all the hard work I'm doing will mean that I'm happy, and I push my SO away. It makes no sense but I do it. And I think you're doing it now, and you're the only person who can figure out why.
I think you might be right
I think you might be right with #2.
There's more to it of course: crazy BM, Skid wars, alcohol problems (not me), my balls are bigger than his, etc....
I think I'm just worn out and want to be alone.
You sound worn down. I went
You sound worn down. I went back and read your blog from February.
And maybe you do need a break. Can you separate for a period of time? It will give you time to recover and figure out where your head really is.
Earlier this year I got to a breaking point and SO and I took a break. Immediately I felt so much relief; all the weight of crazy BM, etc lifted off of my shoulders. It was great! And then a week and a half later I began to realize that I was the one who put all of that on my shoulders to begin with. ... Oops.
My SO is really wonderful to me. He blunders about, but once he gets something, he really gets it. Without the break I may not have been able to appreciate him for who he is. Now I'm trying hard to do my part - letting small things go (picking battles), not letting BM take up space in my head, bringing support and laughter to SO when BM is being a dumbass, and appreciating the relationship that I have.
I don't know you or your DH, but I have to hand it to him that the fact that he IS trying is huge. Many men don't. Sometimes they aren't emotionally savvy enough to know how much their lack of action is hurting someone, and once they have that evidence before them, it causes a shift in the way that they operate. It's hard for me not to want you to look at your DH and let the good feelings back in.
Take a break, rest and clear your head. It could be that in a few weeks or months, you could still want out. Or it could be that you are no longer so weary that you can't see the situation clearly. You might be able to start to be able to see the man in front of you, experience your life without him (good and bad) AND you start to have to live with the problems that you are creating for yourself, because DH isn't there for you to blame. And you might start to understand if your fear and difficulty trusting DH is actually the culprit behind your weariness.
Have you guys tried
Have you guys tried counseling? It seems your DH is in a no-win situation (that he did get himself in by not helping to begin with), because even if he does the things you need from him, you are still harboring a lot of resentment. Some men just don't know what to do to be a "true partner", but by listening to your concerns and trying, he is doing better than a lot of guys would.
I've been married 31 years.
I've been married 31 years. Resentment does build- I thinkg that's your problem. But you MUST allow yourself to feel it- don't squash it down. As OP said, appreciate the ACTS and try not to think about his motive. As he's doing things to make you happy, who knows, maybe it'll become habit.
My best advice is this: you must feed the marriage, look at it like something separate, like a plant. Good luck.
The fact he is doing things
The fact he is doing things to please you and doing them consistently even though he doesn't want to, he should probably get some props.
Can't wait to read this post
Can't wait to read this post and your next one. I'm interested in what everyone has to say because I need the same advice. Hugs!