Whatever you do, don't blame the kid!
Three years of nagging my DH and he finally gets in touch with teachers and starts checking grades online since he no longer gets copies of report cards from BM because she quit sharing any info with DH about SS.
Surprise, surprise, surprise - SS's grades are sucking! An "F" in Spanish, a "C" in band (I don't know what you have to do to get a C in band!)
DH and BM finally start communicating that there's a problem with the grades. Nevermind the fact that BM is a SAHM and is the primary parent of SS and is the one who gets the report cards so she already knows what the grades are, she just doesn't want to punish SS because she's afraid he will want to come love here (over my dead body)!
So the excuses she gave today while talking to DH about the failing grades:
1) SS isn't the first born so he's not going to do as well in school (she read a book about it). Nevermind that he had all A's with a high B here and there until this year and the reason he's doing poorly now is because he is turning work in late, incomplete or not at all!
2) We bought him an iPhone. (Maybe take the phone away? DH did tell her that he told SS that he'd go back to a regular old flip phone if the grades didn't improve by next report card)
3) She can't force SS to practice band or do his homework because he's bigger than her. ????
I have an idea......how about SS DOES HIS FREAKING WORK AND TURNS IT IN!! How about if he doesn't then he has some consequences!!
We have 4 kids between the 2 of us. SS is the only one that lives primarily with BM and the only one we are having this trouble with. Coincidence? I don't think so. The kids that live under this roof know better! That's why SS chose not to move in here, he knows his crappy, lazy attitude and smart mouth wouldn't be tolerated for 5 seconds!
Hopefully this gets turned around but now that I know BM is going to make excuses for him, I'm not feeling very confident that it will. 
It's a shame too, because he's actually a pretty smart kid, he just needs some direction and persuasive motivation.
And I go back to changing the SM creed: Not my kid, Not my problem.....
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Agreed! I didn't mean for it
Agreed! I didn't mean for it to come across as just blaming BM. It's just annoying that now that DH has taken the interest that BM is set on making excuses for SS rather than dishing out any kind of consequence.
Trying to figure out why mom
Trying to figure out why mom gets all the blame for this one. :? You had to nag dad for three years and mom had to stop spoon feeding him info before he took action.
I know that DH is also to
I know that DH is also to blame, he's not off the hook here at all. But, BM is the primary parent and the only one that doesn't work.
SS is the only one to blame for his grades. He's old enough to do the work and turn it in but he has nobody holding him accountable on a daily basis. DH asks him every Wednesday and EOW how he's doing and if he has homework, etc and he just lies about it. DH finally caught on to this.
My point is that DH and BM are now blaming everything except for the kid who is the real problem here.
BM would have punished him in the past for this kind of behavior but now she won't because she's afraid he will come live here like SD did a few years ago. So instead she let's him do what he wants. Doesn't do us much good to punish him here if she won't follow through and DH has a mild case of Disney Dad himself not wanting to upset SS during his time here which I personally think is crap.
"DH did tell her that he told
"DH did tell her that he told SS that he'd go back to a regular old flip phone if the grades didn't improve by next report card"
SS isn't going to be motivated by this.
Take the phone away. SS can earn a flip phone back with improved grades next report card. If he maintains his good grades to at least the report card after, then his iPhone is a possibility.
ETA: I know YOU can't do anything. I just get so irritated when I read about all these pseudo-parenting promises. "One of these days I'm really going to DO something to help you become a good person with values and ethics... but I can't actually be arsed so never mind."
If I could do something we
If I could do something we wouldn't be in this situation......but I'm just a SM with 2 bio kids that make mostly A's and are involved in all kinds of extra curricular activities and they still have manners and respect for my authority. And get this, one of them is even bigger than me! :O