You may have a problem finding HAPPY custodial step parents. lol!

What? You mean there such a thing as happy custodial step parents???

I was very happy to NOT be custodial and since SD22 lives with BM, I am even more glad hubby did not have custody, as we would probably be stuck with her now.

Makes me happy when SD stays with BM or her BFFs. Pretty much it.

It has gotten better as she has gotten older. Pretty soon it will be the teenage bull and she will end up with Mommy bc Mommy has no rules and thinks school is stupid.

Perhaps "happy" isn't the right term... maybe the title should be "custodial parents who haven't contemplated laying under a bus today"

Perhaps "happy" isn't the right term... maybe the title should be "custodial parents who haven't contemplated laying under a bus today"
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
LOL!!!!

I have a secret to being a happy custodial step parent. Leave and become a window washer or electrician in San Diego.....

My happy moment is every second Friday night when Biobitch pulls up in her sea-foam green minivan and the 3 step kids pile in with her 5 other kids and she whisks them off to boss/boyfriend's for the weekend.... 2 more days woohoo!

BAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Doesn't exist! But thanks for the chuckles!

I am happy as SM to SS15. We have full custody for almost 2 years now. I do have a SD17 who we have no relationship with now. She lives with BM and is on a downward spiral I do not care to be a part of.

I do not fully parent my SS and that helps. DH handles homework and everything else. I only step in when he travels and even then, don't do the nagging.

DH and I make time for ourselves every week. Date night and other mutual interests.

I do believe and as wrong as it sounds, once the toxic child left, our lives became happier. It didn't have to be that way. BM wouldn't co-parent a high maintenance child and now she is ruined. But, she will not ruin my SS who is a work in progress trying to undo the damage that a high conflict divorce and a permissive BM caused.

I am happy. On Mondays at 8 AM when the shuttle takes off to go back to moooommmmyyyyy's house and the toxic sludge leaves my house.

Wow, guess I am lucky. I have no kids of my own, but love my step kids like they are my own. We have our normal family spats, and I really don't like dealing with BM, but I knew what I was taking on when I said "I DO." The kids have always been part of the package, and will always continue to be so, and I wouldn't have it any other way. It isn't their fault they were brought into this situation.

How do you do it?
-I don't have a strong parental role

What have you found that really helps you enjoy your family?
-Humor

How do you make time for the two of you?
-we have 50/50, so not hard

What activities do you and the kid(s) do together?
-board games, playing outside, sports,visiting with family

What keeps you going?
-my FDH

How do you do it?

*It takes a lot of time. You have to have outlets and people with experience to guide you (not your SO or MIL, either. Good, neutral and objective listeners). Make time for yourself. Choose your battles wisely. Don't let your ego be in control. Don't compete with BM. Always do what you think is right for the sake of doing the right thing. Don't be petty. If you have resentments or jealousy, tell someone who can help you work through them. Don't marry an asshole. Don't put up with second-class status. Don't ask stupid rhetorical questions like "who would your DH pull out of a fire first: you or the kids?" But most of all, I'd say I had to simply live this experience to really understand what I need from it.

What have you found that really helps you enjoy your family?

*I don't beg for attention, not from DH or the skids. I don't need to feel like I am the most important person in their lives; I am one of many people in the family. When we do spend time together, it is because we want to, not because we are forced into a room or an event together. Feeling independent and having my own hobbies and activities helps make this possible.

How do you make time for the two of you?

*Every other weekend when the skids are at their mother's, my husband and I do whatever we want, even if it's nothing. Intimacy is not always sexual, either. It is being able to read a face, a gesture, a tone of voice and knowing what your spouse is really *saying.* We watch programs, talk about politics, parenting, we enjoy a good restaurant here and there, go shopping, etc. Just regular stuff. But just being with him is enough. I don't need to be entertained.

What activities do you and the kid(s) do together?

*Tons. My skids are both teens now and while my elder stepchild is driving now, she still depends upon me to talk about her day. Again, this is about giving her space to come to me; my days of chasing after to her cater to her are long gone. She is going to be an adult soon and there isn't much left for me to do, but she knows I am here for her for guidance as she enters the college world, relationships, etc. For my tween stepson, I have been incredibly active in his life for many years now, functioning as de facto mother-figure (but not to confuse that I know unequivocally that I am not his mother, lest it seem like I am trying to imply that I am).
As of late we spend time watching shows together after school and homework and in between soccer practice days. On the weekends we travel often for sports. He has a great sense of humor and he knows very well if he needs something that I am not far.

What keeps you going?

*Assuming you pose this question coming from a less-than-positive perspective, I will answer using the memories from the time when I had to stay motivated to not go insane over regular MOTY BM issues and dealing with a then-12 yr old tween girl. It was really hard, I won't even try to pretend it wasn't really really hard. There were a handful of days when I felt invisible, like the villain, in a hopeless and helpless situation WHILE seemingly doing all the damn work of parenting. I had to reevaluate my journey and basically disengage from things I had no business (speaking from a standpoint of self-preservation) to do. This meant I learned to seriously choose my battles. If I knew I was going to get resistance from DH, even if it meant I knew down the road a chicken would come home to roost, I quit fighting about it. If he was going to be lazy about an issue, why should I grow a new wrinkle to fix it? However, this also meant that I was off the hook from dealing with any fallout. Once DH got a few tastes of how it felt to deal with fallout, suddenly my input became much more valuable.

Of course, as the skids grow and age, the challenges change with them, and I know we are not done with our journey, but the journey is not a daily challenge to just survive and get by as it was for me in the early years. I know that by choosing my battles I have established real gravitas when I *do* engage in an issue. And I have learned that a silent smile and nod can often speak more than any critical reply could do.

I hope this helped. Thank you for asking the questions.

The only happy step custodial moments I have are on Tuesdays when my DS goes to his bfs and I go out with my girlfriends. Yay me and yay Tuesdays!!!!....The SD never leaves and never visits her mother so custodial to me is 100%...I would kill for a mere 10/90 split. Please? Anyone? Mini-wife up for grabs?

Oh I forgot to mention she has no friends which also means we entertain her every weekend...and her dad is her BFF. So going away for the weekend is always 2 queen beds and never any intimate time. Yay Tuesdays!

Beer. Wine.

}:)

what helps me is that i'm actually one of the lucky ones who have likeable skids. i also have an incredible, albeit imperfect, husband who only *occasionally* comes down with a dreaded case of cranial rectal inversion. he asks my opinions and comes to me for support. but he is also very self aware, and responsible *most* of the time. he knows better than to just assume i'll do something extra, he always asks. and if he chooses to handle things in a way that i directly oppose, then it's all on him and up to him.

as far as 'couple time'? ummmm, still working on that.

skid activities- they're old enough we dont have to make specific plans to entertain them so it's mostly just normal family stuff, esp. sports.