Sick of adult SD's exclusion from events and Husbands support!
I am in my second marriage, my husband has two very dysfunctional adult children, drugs, money issues, can't keep jobs, suicidal, homeless, and so on. His daughter insists that I not be invited to family events and for two years of this 12 year relationship (7 year marriage) she has won that argument with her dad. She is disrespectful to me unless she needs or wants something from her dad or me. He continues to support her dysfunctional lifestyle financially and I don't know how much more I can take. This all came to surface when she sent a text to her father to tell me that her brother wished me a happy birthday. I thought it was rude that she didn't wish me a happy birthday herself, and yet made a point to share her brothers wishes - she has my cell number but chose to send to her dad (no big deal). I do not have her cell because she won't give it to me. Her father saw nothing wrong with her most recent disrespect. From that she came to town, she is 25 and she insisted that I not come along to a family dinner that was being planned. For two years of the past 12, I stayed away from such functions, but I am her father's wife, and it hurts me terribly to be excluded from family functions. She has her own father in/out of her life based on her need, we never know when he will get a "hate" text saying she doesn't want him in her life ever and doesn't want his money again - this changes, of course usually in 3-6 months when she needs money. How to cope? What to do?
- kimww29's blog
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Comments
His daughter doesn't have to
His daughter doesn't have to let you in her life. It's okay for you to accept that and not make him choose. It's disliking her and him wanting a relationship with her that makes you so angry.
This is the only thing I struggle with in my relationship. It's so very hard, but it is the truth.
If it's a family function,
If it's a family function, you go. She doesn't get to dictate where you can go.
Seriously though, do you really WANT to be included? I encourage my husband to do things with his kids WITHOUT me. I think he should spend one on one time with them (and I get to have a day to myself
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How often do they do family things? If it isn't that often, send him on his way.
But the point is she should
But the point is she should NOT be excluded from the functions, whether she goes it up to her, but NOT excluded. Your husgand needs to man up and not go to any event if you aren't invited...PERIOD. I agree with the above posters, the problem is nor you SD, but your husband.
He would never accept me
He would never accept me excluding her from a family function and yet he accepts that of her stating "she is my daughter". I guess I know where I stand.
Thanks for the comments! I
Thanks for the comments!
I agree that she was stirring the pot with the underhanded birthday wish; she likes to do that. I also agree that she should have said nothing at all than being underhanded about making it known that she wasn't going to wish me happy birthday. Even though I don't like the way she treats me, I always try to do the "right" thing (at my husbands insistence at times. She has come to live with us (needless to say on both occasions that didn't work out). I have been involved in helping her on many occasions, from schooling to emergency room visits (she called me instead of her dad), to a care packages for her well-being, sometimes at her request and others not... sometimes it feels right to help other folks, but I am sure you all will say "not" if someone doesn't want it. Her response is that she doesn't have to be appreciative of anything I may do for her because she hasn't asked from anything from me.
I really don't think I hate her, I hate her behavior toward me. I have tried everything I can think of to doing for her like I do my kids to not thinking about her. I do like the family events, family means a lot to me and to be excluded for two years was very hard for me.
I also agree that it should be up to me... and in the most recent events I probably wouldn't have gone, but who can know since I wasn't given a choice. My husband blames me and the SD and takes no responsibility in this situation.
You all have given me a lot to think about and I know that you are right, I hear my inner voice. AND YES! This is my DH's fault.... from the beginning of our dating.. I have two adult kids who would never think of excluding my DH in anything. I love my DH parents and I am excluded from things that include them.
I am in therapy and we have seen two different therapists (couple) before but he says they aren't helpful. He says it causes fights and will not resolve anything and that we will end up divorced. IMHO he doesn't want to go because they don't agree with him. He parents out of fear, which is lack of parenting for the past 14 + years. My SS has his own issues with addictions, and he has little do to with either of us, but he sees us as a couple and wouldn't dream of excluding me.
I am working with my doctor on medication that will help with the anxiety that this causes me and as my therapists states, no amount of medicine will fix this. He wants to sweep it all under the rug.
You all have been great and are saying what I know but don't want to accept. I have to be excluded to stay married. Even if our vows didn't include that caveat.
Seriously, if you seem like
Seriously, if you seem like you don't care if he goes without you, in fact, you are excited about him going, he's going to start wondering why you don't care.
Start making plans with some friends, or your own family without him. Give him a taste of his own medicine. Never cancel your other plans if he balks. Let him put the other shoe on.
Sometimes the more you fight over something, the more it causes a wedge. This is not the hill you want to die on. You would be letting her win at the expense of you marriage. A motto I live by I actually got from an old Right Guard commercial...lol... "Never let them see you sweat."
She's a grown ass woman
She's a grown ass woman acting like a bitchy teen and your DH is encouraging the behavior. She is no longer a child and he needs to man up and understand where his loyalties should be.