Husband and Mother-in-law still financially enabling my adult stepdaughter.
Hi, I am new to Steptalk and really just need to vent and get advice from people who have been there. Long story short, my 27 year-old stepdaughter lives in Idaho and is a new mom living with her boyfriend (baby's father). She has a decent job in a dental office and he is finishing up his bachelors but also has a seasonal job Spring through Fall. He is now babysitting while she is working so they don't have to pay child care. My issue now is that she/they want to buy a house and are asking my husband and/or her grandmother(who has dementia)if we could help them out so they could have a financial cushion. Well, first off I am unemployed and my mother-in-law who has dementia will probably need full time care in a facility before the year is out, so it's not like we are in a great position to help with a financial cushion. I understand wanting to hep out your kids, and I haven't spoken to my husband yet (just saw her email this AM) but will when he gets home. Of course I want him to decline. Am I being completely selfish?? Thanks in advance for your advice.
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Thanks for your advice. There
Thanks for your advice. There is a long history of enabling SD, especially from her grandma. Not that it was ever easy to accept, but it was her $$ not mine. In reading between the lines I think she wants my husband to get the $$ from dear grandma, knowing she never refuses. It's different now though. She is not in her right mind and I am the one that is coordinating her care and taking her to Dr. appts, etc., since my DH is an only child. I agree with what you said. I just need to remain calm and level-headed when I talk to him about this and not get emotional. Even though I want to!
Sounds exactly like my
Sounds exactly like my situation. My MIL has created this and now my husband and I must also deal. The infuriating thing to me is that her bio mother lives in the same town as do SD's other grandma and step- grandpa. Those grandparents are absolutely LOADED. But she never asks them...she know they will decline...it's always been money for love like you said with my MIL. Sick and sad isn't it?
DH and MIL both lend my BIL
DH and MIL both lend my BIL money. Then DH feels that MIL shouldn't have to do that and he'll give her money. Then MIL turns around and spends it all on my children spoiling them. Ahhhh family.
Thanks. He already is POA on
Thanks. He already is POA on financial and healthcare. He handles all the funds for her now. She is probably at stage 5 Alzheimer's and still lives in her home. She has an aide come in 3 days a week, but I really think she would do much better where she can have social interaction, etc.
He is on her checking account
He is on her checking account and she is not in a mental state now that she knows how to write a check and mail it. Unless my SD got on the phone and walked her through it, which still probably wouldn't work. She doesn't remember addresses, or how to send it, etc. That's why SD is reaching out to my husband instead now. Before she could just call her and voila, a check would no doubt arrive in the mail.
Dh would be doing his mother
Dh would be doing his mother a huge disservice if he hands Gma's cash away. What Gma did in the past was Gma's choice and self decision...not anymore. My Dh's grandmother laid in a nursing home for ten years with Alzheimer's after she could no longer live in her home. Your husband's mother needs every dime she currently has. To give Mom's money away to a granddaughter who wants to have a free handout amounts to basically stealing from an elderly diseased woman. I would hope your Dh has more respect for his mother than hand out money that she will surely need herself.
Your SD should be ashamed for asking. Tell SD if she wants a comfy cushion to get a second job and for her BF to obtain a year round employment. Your SD's handout days are over.
I truly believe he wouldn't
I truly believe he wouldn't just write a check, especially without talking to me first. But if SD somehow convinces grandma and she tells my husband to, that's where the true test will be. Deep down he knows that we shouldn't do it, but in their complicated, triangulated relationship, he still has issues saying no to his mom when it comes to his daughter. There is also still a lot of guilt about his and SD's early relationship, which has always been a long-distance one since she was a year old. He is also still struggling with accepting the full reality of what we will be facing with his mom in the future. Lots of issues.
Your husband has financial
Your husband has financial POA? That isn't just to make things easier - it's a legal responsibility. If he writes a check to SD out of Grandma's money, and any questions are asked, he's going to have to have a very good reason.
Questions like - if Grandma later needs state/federal help for her care, or if one of the people in the will notice no money is left.
Just talked with him. He read
Just talked with him. He read the email and he seems to agree with me but also brought up that grandma is very OK financially. And that they are renting, not buying. It may be just 1,000 tops. Of course I told him that doesn't matter, especially considering his mother's mental state and her potential future needs. I gave him all my arguments against. I hope he does the right thing, but I told him it was up to him. I am only the daughter in law, at least that's how I am feeling at this moment. I so don't want to be in this situation anymore. Pray for me and thanks to you all for your kind advice.
There can be big problems
There can be big problems when people with financial POA spend money that isn't theirs on something that isn't for the person whose money it is. I used to be a financial advisor so I've seen it all. I always advised people that if they had enough emotional distance to make a decision like an outsider (a lawyer, an accountant) then they could take on the financial POA. Anything else and they could get sued. Just take the responsibility seriously. Good luck with it all - I know it's difficult to have a family member with dementia, a lot of busy-ness without a lot of connection (if any).
Hard night. I didn't sleep
Hard night. I didn't sleep well at all. I am just burnt out dealing with my MIL's dementia and now this situation with DH's daughter. I think my DH is thinking about his grandson, but if he starts forking out $ to help her, where does it stop? The boyfriend needs to get a part-time job. He is a super nice guy and a great dad, but his aspirations of being a golf pro may have to be shelved for now, now that he's a father. I wish my DH had the courage to tell his daughter that, but I guess I just need to let it go now that I have had my say.