I am disengaged...but feel horrible
Basically I started to disengage about 4 years ago and have been completely disengaged now for awhile. I did it for all the "right" reasons....DH and I are not on the same page in regards to parenting. He refused to follow through on consequences that we had mutually agreed on, he told me after I had already gotten pregnant that I would have to be the sole financial provider for any children that we had together..so in essence he is the one that created this divided household. I provide clothing, medical bills, extracurriculars and day care cost for our two bios and he does the same for SS who lives with us. I pay for all groceries, he pays mortgage and we split utilities.
I have always been very supportive of his relationships with his children, even when our bios were born I told him to go ahead and go hunting, go on that basketball tournament weekend, concert....because all along he had stated that he didn't want anything to change for his kids.
But all its created is two separate families under one roof and I HATE how that feels and as much as I try to get used to it I can't. It really sucks!! I mean I understand it... BM has never approved of any of the kids ever having any kind of relationship with me and on the other hand its really great that she supports sks having relationships with our bios. I fully realize that this is a good thing but I constantly watch SS (only in front of DH though) act like he loves his half brothers and then when DH is not home completely ignore our bios and myself. He can turn it on for dad if you know what I mean...
I NEVER say or do anything to our bios to discourage their relationship with SKs because I know that would be wrong...
My question I guess is for those who have disengaged for a long time...does it get better eventually?
- Hopingforthebest's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
I couldn't get pass refusing
I couldn't get pass refusing to support the children he had with you. How you don't harbor some serious resentment issues, I don't understand. Best of Luck to you.
I would have divorced him,
I would have divorced him, went after him for CS, & then gotten back together (If I still wanted to be with him) & never took him off CS. LOL
Simifan I do carry ALOT of
Simifan I do carry ALOT of resentment over this....had I known this beforehand I would not have had children with him. As it stands I am resolved to not create another stepfamily for our bios
Why not? They are already
Why not? They are already living like it's two different families in one house. Would havin two houses really make it worse?
^^this^^.... SS only acts
^^this^^.... SS only acts like you and your bios exist when DH is around anyway, nothing would really change for your bios other than geography and then your DH would actually have to take responsibility for ALL of his kids. Geesh
... But you went and had
... But you went and had ANOTHER CHILD WITH HIM. So you are OK with it.
No I'm not OK with it fur I
No I'm not OK with it fur I LOVE being a mom plain and simple though I see what you are saying. He has always said that when bios are older that he will do the same things with them as he does with steps....this post has gotten away from my question I really just want to know if disengagement gets easier/better as years go by....
If your DH doesn't change,
If your DH doesn't change, things will only get worse.
Check out the adult skid forum. & some of those women have husbands that actually provide for their kids!
I can't get over the fact
I can't get over the fact that he told you you were responsible for all costs for your two bios and you not only accepted that but you also still pay for the groceries and 1/2 of the utilities. If you divorced or separated he would have to pay you child support. What makes him think he should pay nothing for his two bios with you while you are together?
First: Are you in love with
First: Are you in love with him? I mean, all things aside, is he who you want to go to bed with for the rest of your life? Is he your greatest fan?
Sparkle I was madly in love a
Sparkle I was madly in love a long time ago though now I don't know anymore, he's definitely not my greatest fan he is the sks greatest fan
Queen yes you are right our
Queen yes you are right our bios are already living like two different families but I don't want to give up any time with my kids plus I know DH would have my sks "watch them" which I am not comfortable with.
LONGTIME I know I never would
LONGTIME I know I never would have imagined accepting this either but after watching all that kids go through during divorce I am resigned to try to make it work plus I know its probably unfounded but I worry that when I sent our bios to be with DH (if we divorced) that the sks would try to turn them against me...at least this way I can monitor their influence
Your kids will go through a
Your kids will go through a hell of a lot more with you staying in this mess than they will in a divorce.
Please be careful, those children will learn from your example. Would you want your children to be in a relationship like yours?
he told me after I had
he told me after I had already gotten pregnant that I would have to be the sole financial provider for any children that we had together.
WTF? how in the wide world of sports does the man justify this??
He claimed at the time that
He claimed at the time that he had so much responsibility already with the sks
Oh, OK, because that makes
Oh, OK, because that makes perfect sense! {{gag}}
Do you cook, clean, provide transportation, etc. for skids? Because if you do, and this was me? ALL of that would be coming to a screeching ass halt.
I used to but the past year I
I used to but the past year I stopped and I only cook now....
Then he should have made sure
Then he should have made sure that no more "responsibilities" happened. Or at least let you know from the get go so you could plan accordingly.
Does he know how babies are
Does he know how babies are made?
I don't know who disengaged
I don't know who disengaged first, you or DH. I get why you disengaged from SS and BM, but why did DH disengage from you and the children you had together?
It sounds to me that you are taking on the bulk of the financial responsibility along with everything else in "your family" together. I've disengaged from a lot of things involving the skids because DH and I were not on the same page. In the beginning it was tough but eventually it got better.
In my opinion, I think you may be confusing your feelings about disengaging from SS and BM, with DH creating two families.
My DH and I do not have children together but we have 8 children blended together. We have had time together with all of them but we have also had time with our own children as well. Sometimes it feels like 2 separate families but that's because we have none together.
I think your problem lays with your DH and his view of "family". I don't think it will get better until you make a decision about whether you can live with DH's demands.
I hear you. I posted a bit
I hear you. I posted a bit back about that too, does it get better or does the gap just get wider.
I have 2 kids, DH has 2 kids, hence my name, 3 families In 1 - because, that is how we live. I gave up blending the first 2 years, I disengaged, primary issue was the SS who is now 8 and SD is now 14. Mine are bd14 and bd9.
SD and I have a civil relationship, SS and I have nothing, nada, I do not exist plain and simple.
I had to disengage to save my marriage, clearly nothing I said or did was ok for the precious skids despite DH begging me to treat them as I treat my own. I am a strict parent, my children are well behaved. They have adjusted to my divorce from their dad just fine and have a good relationship with DH because I made sure they respected him as an adult in this home.
Not so much for me, I came after BM even in my own home and DH is\was too scared to discipline so I finally just disengaged. My marriage is peaceful, my kids are good.
We run like 2 completely different families in this house, I do my thing with my kids, homework, activities, rules. DH does his. We 'pretend' on days we are all together. Skids are here 50% of the time, mine are here 80% of the time. We are not blended in any way, no more than oil and water in a jar, once and awhile someone shakes the jar but as soon as its placed on the table, we just separate again despite being in the same jar.
My kids are resentful that they have to share their grandparents with skids, the skids grandparents can't come visit due to age and border problems - so only my parents come to visit and my kids have to share their grandparents while skids visit their own grandparents and have their grandparents at the BMs too. Things like that get tricky.
I find its sort of like sharing my husband - he is my husband, but he has this whole life I am not part of in any way other than we live under the same roof 50% of the time, yet I am not part of it - its the oddest feeling really.
I disengaged for all the right reasons, but I wonder, now what, what happens now? Does the whole cycle repeat again when skids get married and have gskids? Will it be a whole other thing I am not part of that BM and DH are part of that I once again will be left out? Its not fun, I did it for peace, which I have, my marriage is better but yet there is this gap.
I don't have a clue how skids do in school, their activities, their friends, or any appointments, how do you become so uninvolved with someones who are in your house. Its weird.
My mother was down visiting and scolding me telling me that I hadn't told her anything about the skids, I hadn't mentioned them to her and she was telling me how bad it was of me, I said, I have nothing to tell you, I know nothing, I am disengaged\excluded from them. She can't get how I know nothing about the skids when they are here 3-4 days a week. I simply don't. I am told nothing about them, when I speak to them its civil with SD and SS completely ignores me.
What is next?
Echo - I am curious if your disengagement was that isolated or not.
It is strange, isn't it, to
It is strange, isn't it, to have people in your home that you know less about than you would a coworker... But at the same time, without disengagement, there'd be no marriage. So it comes down to deciding if your spouse means enough to you to stay. Too bad about your mom, but I get that too. My own family cannot understand how you can say basically "that isn't my child and therefore I don't have anything to do with it!" Somehow that makes us uncaring and cruel. Too bad, until they walk in our shoes, I don't even care what they have to say about it...
I feel some of that isolation that you speak of. I've often thought it was because normally I would be quite talkative and interested in what is going on in the lives of the people around me. It feels quite unnatural to deliberately not ask questions. But of course, that is the price that must be paid to be a fully disengaged person. Any other person whose life I would be curious about, I would also feel free to share my thoughts. But when you're not allowed to share your thoughts on what they have talk to you about, then there's really no point in even asking.
What happens now when the
What happens now when the skids have kids of their own - is it another cycle of exclusion?
I do love my DH. I just hate this family or lack of.
DH and I when alone or just my kids have wonderful times. His are here and I change now, like you said, where I'd normally be talkative, I clam up, where I would say lets do this or that, I suggest nothing and plan nothing.
Its an odd way to live at times.
Yes, I wonder about gskids
Yes, I wonder about gskids too... But really, I don't particularly like my skids now anyway so I kind of look upon their future children as more like distant cousins or nieces or nephews... Probably really cute when we see them at family dinners, but I wouldn't want to have them staying at my house.
It's also the same for me when it's just my bio son and my husband and me - my son really looks up to my husband, and we have a great time together. Of course my son has quite a bit of my personality, so I can see why my husband would find him fun to be around too. Unfortunately, my husband's kids tend to have far more of their mother in them, and neither one of us like those traits. My intention is just to continue to build a really great family with me and my husband and my biological son, and when my son brings us grandbabies, will spend more time with them.
Disengagement means that you
Disengagement means that you disengage from the child-rearing of the skids and any decision making that goes along with that. It sounds like your DH disengaged from you and your bios. Will it get easier? Probably not, how can you feel loved and appreciated with Hubby saying "these are my kids and my priority and these bios are yours (financially and otherwise) and I don't have time for them".
That would be the day, your man is pissing me off and I don't have ONE nice thing to say about it.
Staying in that relationship is going to do more harm to your kids than to leave and start over.
And to echo a sentiment from above - Everyone in the house knows how babies are made right?