What would you do differently?
Amongst a thread on not being able to stand the sight of your step kids, a newbie posted a question: What would you have done differently, to prevent reaching the point where the sight, sound and thought of your step kids makes you want to crawl into a cave and hibernate?
I thought it was really an excellent question, and so below are my thoughts on the subject!
First and foremost, I would not, even for one second, have TRIED to parent my husband's kids. I would have treated them as my bio son's sleepover guests, as an example. People who are in the house, who are guests of my house, but to whom I am neither parent nor a guardian. As guests in my home, I would of course expect them to follow our basic family rules. But I would not be slightly concerned with any other things that are occurring within their lives.
I would never, ever, ever ever ever, engaged with their mother at any point in time for any reason. She is not my mistake. She is his mistake. (maybe this should be point number one!) It doesn't matter if she's horrible or not - in my case, my husband's ex-wife IS horrible with a capital H. But MY ex-husband's wife is not! Either way, there is no need for any contact.
We share our kids 50/50 with our exes. I would insist that my husband schedule 1 to 2 hours of every weekend that we had his children, to be with them exclusively. Maybe even more! I would not subscribe to the romantic notion that we needed to be a "family" and do family stuff. All the time.
I would not, let me repeat NOT, get involved in anyway with anything related to health or education or clothing or any other needs, unless my husband specifically came and asked me for assistance.
These are my greatest regrets. Oh how I wish I didn't have to learn the hard way.
So having said all of this (and frankly I'm sure there's a lot more I could list!) I can tell you that in my opinion the only way to keep your marriage strong, is to be able to come to these conclusions and discuss them openly with your spouse. Some marriages of course will not stand a chance. Some biological parents just couldn't possibly understand or empathize with the stepparent and see how these situations can be so difficult for them. Some biological parents just feel too much guilt, and can never see their children for what they are. Some biological parents are still under the thumb of their former spouses. Any of those situations, will make it incredibly difficult for a new spouse to create a new life with that partner.
But, if you are fortunate to have a spouse with a clear understanding of reality, then you just might be able to save your sanity and have an incredibly strong and happy marriage!!
What are some things that you have done to reclaim your peace and sanity? What would you have done differently?
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Comments
I would NOT have spent a lot
I would NOT have spent a lot of effort tring to be the best stepmom. I would have drawn the boundaries myself instead of holding my breath waiting for dh to do it.
My skid is NOT a bad kid actually. He was just led to believe that we are in some sort of competition or something. ONce that got straightened out, we became good friends. I don't dread him coming home at all. We enjoy each other's company and I don't feel resentful about things.
I would put myself first instead of waiting for someone else to put me first.
So true! My SS is wonderful,
So true! My SS is wonderful, respectful and well behaved. SDs are, well, none of that.
Funny, I just told SO today
Funny, I just told SO today that I wished I could turn back time. When he asked why, I told him that I would have protected my heart and my children from his girls. I would have never fallen in love with them, or cared what they did. I would not have allowed them to stay in my home whenever they wanted to.....they would have followed an EOW schedule and only been here when he was here to parent them. I've been kicking myself for months and nursing my wounds. I feel like such a dumbass.
Oh Hun, no need to feel like
Oh Hun, no need to feel like a dumbass! Most of us have been there, and that's why I posed the question - maybe others can learn from our mistakes!
I would have done a lot of
I would have done a lot of things differently. I would not have ignored red flags in DHs behaviour. I would have watched how he parented his children and assessed whether I could live with that, instead of battling to change it. I would not have tried to be the best stepparent and would not have put myself out so much for everybody. I would not have thrown myself into family life at the weekends and would have maintained more of my usual social life and activities. I would have read a lot of books on stepparenting and done my research early on. That alone would have prevented countless misunderstandings and conflicts. I would have had counselling a lot earlier on. I would not have allowed DH's sweet talking and my own weakness to lure me back in after I left.
I think a happy functional stepfamily is possible, if you and your partner have similar parenting styles and domestic standards, and can communicate and compromise. If you find yourself constantly annoyed by everything from mealtimes, to bedtimes, to chores, to how they spend their time, the likelihood is those annoyances are going to get bigger not smaller. And if the first few test issues you raise with your partner are met with defensiveness, disagreement or even irritation and anger, chances are that it's going to be very difficult to achieve the compromises that are necessary for a new adult to live with someone else's children.
How sad, yet how validating,
How sad, yet how validating, for all step parents who regret caring too much to be able to hear from others that we are not alone. So ironic, isn't it, that our great error was to actually give a damn about these kids! Only a burned stepparent can understand the wounds. I'm glad there are others like me, it's reassuring.
I've just thrown that ball
I've just thrown that ball back to my husband's court as well - he also believes that I'm the better "teacher" so the "we" means me. He's right, of course, but I feel HE won't learn to be a better teacher if he doesn't try. And frankly, if my ss15 doesn't really care to follow my instructions when it comes to learning? I'm certainly not going to allow myself to be frustrated or annoyed by it any longer.
I found STalk very early in
I found STalk very early in my relationship so I avoided A LOT of these mistakes, thankfully. I did let DH know he was responsible for his children and I was responsible for my own. I set my expectations within the first few months and he met the expectations. We over communicated about our feelings on our children and our relationship and addressed issues, concerns, etc. We had some hills and valleys as we both adjusted but we did pretty well.
We agreed early on that if we were going to be married and have a life together - our relationship came first over everything except the NEEDS and Health of the children. We live by it. And the past 2 years of my life is like the longest honeymoon in history.
What I would have done differently was not have felt so threatened by BM. I wasted a lot of time trying to understand what made her tick and what her next move would be. The truth is that it doesn't really matter. I won. I have DH. So I just let DH deal with her now and I avoid the subject in general.
"I wasted a lot of time
"I wasted a lot of time trying to understand what made her tick and what her next move would be. The truth is that it doesn't really matter. I won. I have DH."
Beautiful!!
This is so helpful!!!
This is so helpful!!!