What should I do?
Hi, I am 47 years old, am Irish and moved to the US two years ago to marry an American man. I brought my (then) 7 year old son with me and left my (then) 19 year old son in Ireland - he chose to stay there and go to college. I also left my beloved Mom, sisters and close friends, by beautiful home and country, a fantastic job, and my culture. This wasn't an easy decision and I deliberated for a few years before making the move. My issue is that before I came here, I voiced my concerns to my fiancé (now my husband) about leaving my son and my family behind, and he (over and over) assured me that his family would be my family. I asked what I would do if my son was sick and home from school, and I had to work, he said that his adult kids or his Mom would look after Kyle. I told him that I wanted us to get out and about as a couple (after 20 years of a miserable marriage) and he assured me that his kids would look after my son once a month so that we can go out. WELL......his family have done nothing in over two years to make my young son and I feel welcome or part of the family. His 5 adult daughters (19-26) just ignore or dismiss us, they never visit us, the disrespect my husband completely and have been blatantly rude to my face. And (more so than anything) they ignore my son, whom I took away from his very loving family to move here for my own happiness. Through all this, my husband has said nothing to them about this, just buries his head in the sand. When I think about what I have given up to come here, I feel cheated! I feel cheated out of the life I thought I was going to have. And despite all this, I love my husband and he treats me better than any man I know (including my father). But is it enough? Can I just stand by and watch while he fusses over his brats and ignores when they (ironically)ignore me? I have a loving family at home pining for me, and yet I stay here and feel extreme loneliness every day. Christmas is a nightmare, as Christmas in Ireland is ALL about family. I mean, I say my Mom 5 times a week, and my sisters 2-3 times a week, but here I only see my husband's Mom 3 times a year (and she only lives 20 mins away), I NEVER see his only sibling and only see his kids about once a year. I argue with myself all the time (about how unfair I am being to my young son) and it is driving me crazy. And now my Darling husband is putting my moods down to me going through the change! Please help, and tell me what you would do in my situation. Thank you for your time...
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Comments
Do you think you could get
Do you think you could get your DH to move back to Ireland with you?
I'm sorry you are so unhappy and so far away from home!
I think it is high time you
I think it is high time you and your son go on vacation back home. Ask dh to go to if you must. Lol. AirLingus had some really decent pricing.
I would pack up and move back
I would pack up and move back to Ireland if I were you. You were misled about how it would be here. Your DH can make the sacrifice if he wants to stay with you and leave behind his family that he is so close to and who are all so loving to him and his wife and stepson. This last bit said with sarcasm of course.
Your son deserves to be raised in a loving home with his extended family. Do you want him to turn out like the adult children of your husband?
The homesickness will not ever go away except to be replaced by resentment and regrets.
I moved across country in my early 20's to be with my DH and that ended in divorce 17 yrs later. It was the choice I made. I have remarried and my kids are grown. I will never live in the place I grew up again. It is too late.
From what you describe of your life in Ireland it was near perfect. Did your DH live there for a time? Was it a long distance thing until you moved here? Had you met his family or spent any time in the US before the move?
You feel cheated because you were cheated. Your DH who treats you better than any man ever has...misrepresented the truth of his family life, he has not stood up for you against the rudeness of his kids, he has not made you feel welcome, he is now dismissing your feelings and gas lighting you...look that one up....saying it is all because of the change of life. He has already isolated you from your loving family and country. With your permission of course as you agreed to move here.
Take back your life and decide what is best for you and your son. Then live in the moment of that decision whatever it will be. With the loneliness and homesickness and now being told you don't feel the way you feel...you are on the way to becoming invisible in your own life.
Where do you see yourself in five years? Will your 19 yr old perhaps be giving you grandchildren in not so many years from now? How often will you see them and the rest of your family there? How has your young son adjusted? Is he happy?
Can you go back and support yourself? Can your DH move with you? Is he close to retirement from his career? Can you stay married but live apart until he could retire?
Lots of things to consider.
Just don't give up your dreams for a man who doesn't even have your back. Read some of the blogs here....it only gets worse with the skids....especially the stepdaughters.
Best wishes to you and your son.
Ps. You may not want to use
Ps. You may not want to use your son's real name here if you did. Or your real name for your user name either.
Why don't you just hire a
Why don't you just hire a sitter so that you can go out?
Your husband was wrong for volunteering his mother and daughters as babysitters for you. Really, how many 19-26 year olds want to spend a weekend with a 7 year old???
It's not their responsibility to ensure you and your husband have monthly dates. If your son is sick, then you take time off from work and stay home with him. Expecting your SDs or MIL to keep your sick kid is wrong.
Most posters here would be thrilled to only have to deal with their ILs a few times a year. The fact that your ILs keep their distance is a good thing.
It sounds like your lied about his family dynamics.
If cash was in the offering
If cash was in the offering they would.
So There's nothing wrong with
So
There's nothing wrong with getting paid for babysitting.
The child is not related to them. Why should they provide free babysitting?
The sooner you leave the
The sooner you leave the easier it will be.
His family is very different
His family is very different to yours. It's a shame he gave you the misleading impression that you would have a ready made support network with him, perhaps it was wishful thinking on his part and he wanted to envisage his family as like yours. If that was a major factor in your decision to move to be with him then you have to consider whether you can reset your expectations, accept the way his family is and form your own friend network, or whether you need to return home to a life you know and like. Perhaps the most important factor here is how your son feels - has he settled well? Has he made friends? Does he pine for home as you do? If that's the case and you are also unhappy then I would think seriously about moving back to Ireland.