Forgiveness, How?
Does anyone have any tips on how to “man up” and get past the damage that has been done to you either by Skid, DH, BM or all of the above? I have been able to let go a lot of resentment by sort of becoming anesthetized to my environment. It’s not a perfect solution, but it allows me to function and find enjoyment in the positive aspects of my life. Having a tremendous amount of love for my husband has also been a major contributor to overcoming my anger and disappointment.
I know forgiveness is the right thing to do, and the best thing for everyone involved, especially me. Nevertheless, it seems impossible. I’m just not accustomed to allowing people who have wronged me to continue to have the opportunity to affect me, or even be a part of my life.
In my situation, I believe this is where the tension comes from, a state of being that’s completely unnatural, interaction on a regular basis with behaviors I otherwise would have eliminated from my life and trying to find a way to happily coexist with said behaviors.
Is that even possible?
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When you find out, let me
When you find out, let me know. I will NEVER forgive my in-laws for the way they have treated me. I will NEVER forgive BM for all the horrible, disgusting things she has done to us. I will NEVER forgive DH for allowing those despicable people to treat us and our marriage the way they have.
It is horrible that I am so unforgiving. But I just can't allow people to think that it's ok to treat me like shit. Never happening.
It is horrible, and damaging,
It is horrible, and damaging, self defeating, etc...but we are powerless to feel any other way. Maybe it's a tolerance issue, and some people have a higher tolerance threshold and that aids in forgiveness. My tolerance threshold is pretty low.
I don't think I can ever
I don't think I can ever forgive BM for putting my DH through hell and continuing to do so
Does your lack of forgiveness
Does your lack of forgiveness for her negatively affect your life on a regular basis? If it doesn't, then I don't see a problem with not forgiving someone who clearly has no remorse for their actions. This would only be a problem if your feelings towards her are damaging you. Otherwise, screw her.
Not damaging at all I just
Not damaging at all
I just ignore her, love my DH, love my skids and live a happy life. BM can have intercourse with a cactus for all I care. }:)
lol at cactus comment!
lol at cactus comment!
Yea, I don't know what to
Yea, I don't know what to tell you because I'm struggling with the same things.
My skids have treated me like crap and still do.. One can't forgive the past and let it all go until it becomes the past..
*one can't forgive the past
*one can't forgive the past and let it all go until it becomes the past*
^^^^that, right there....
it's hard to "let go" when "it" still walks in your house...EOW...
I could let go if I didn't
I could let go if I didn't have to look at SD every day. I know that SS14 will be released from the treatment center and it will be the same BS again.
SS would call DSO every day, like the minute he would walk in from work. Dad come get me. Dad take me to McDonalds or BK. Dad bring me 10 bucks to go to Walmart. Every weekend sucked bc SS would bug DSO. If we had plans, SS would start getting physical with SD so one of the skids would end up at the house bc I was annoyed and pissed by that point. I hope BM is happy that she fucked her kids up...completely. She alienated them from a good, kind SM in me that tried to help the skids for so long that I gave up and don't give a shit what happens to them.
Rising, a DH making an effort
Rising, a DH making an effort to change behaviors that were hurting me did make a huge difference. All the SOs on this site that attempt to sympathize with their partner and change what's incorrect deserve a tremendous amount of kudos.
Very true stepmomsoon.
Glitter and Bearcub, since you are only forced to face these feelings EOW, does that make it easier, or do you feel bitter towards the situation all the time? I've only ever been a FT SM.
doesnt make it any easier at
doesnt make it any easier at all...and i am sorry that you are a FT SM...i just could not handle that....
I certainly have had my
I certainly have had my struggles with forgiving BM. She's the only person, in my 38 years of life, that I have ever truly hated. Realizing that she accomplished taking me "there" created enough anger & fire inside of me to make me decide to do something about how I was processing things inside myself.
I've learned the very first step in reaching the point of forgiveness is deciding that you want to forgive enough to let go of your hurt & anger. Really, you have to be willing to just let it go.
Our feelings are OURS to own. No one has the power to MAKE us feel any certain way, unless we give it to them.
Staying angry & holding grudges ONLY hurts us. I know that BM couldn't care less if I don't like her or don't forgive her. If anything, if I ever let her know how much she pisses me off, she'd milk it for everything she could get. I'm not willing to give her that.
I've also learned to abandon the whole "forgive & forget" mantra. I don't believe in forgetting. I don't believe that forgiving means we must subject ourselves to being treated poorly over & over. I believe that we can forgive someone's actions/words & choose to not allow that person the opportunity to hurt us again. Forgiving does not obligate us to interact with the people who hurt us without having barriers or boundaries in the future. It does not obligate us to be friendly or anything more than just civil.
For a long time, I made excuses for holding onto my hate for her. My excuse, for the longest time, was "She's never apologized. What is there to forgive if she hasn't asked for forgiveness?" But then I realized, by holding onto that mentality, I was giving her the power to decide that I would stay angry. As long as she didn't apologize, I had to carry my hate? Nope. She doesn't get to decide what I will feel.
I think that any negativity we carry with us toward anyone puts weight on our shoulders. It may be a little or it may be a lot, but I believe that being willing to carry even just a little bit is more harmful to us than it is helpful.
Like I said earlier, though, the first step is deciding that you WANT to let it go & being willing to let it settle in the past. IMO, getting to that point is really the most difficult part of the process.
Like I said, I still struggle with it, but I've figured out what I need to do to get over it. I just have to reach the point of deciding that I WANT to let it go.
I agree with everything you
I agree with everything you wrote. I was formulating in my head how to write something similar...and here it already was:)
Forgiving is NOT forgetting. Forgiving is NOT allowing the behavior to keep happening and we turn the other cheek...again.
Apologies from SDs or BMs rarely happen, so don't hold your breath.
You can absolutely forgive and set up firm boundaries to protect your mental well-being.
Also...sometimes we DON'T want to forgive...even if it's the supposed "right" thing to do. You're not ready to do this and to pretend that you should or aught to forgive just adds to feelings of guilt we might also carry. None of it healthy for us.
"I've also learned to abandon
"I've also learned to abandon the whole "forgive & forget" mantra."
I agree that this is unnatural. I take in information around me and learn from it. I would be a fool not to. Sometimes I think what DH perceives as me holding a grudge is me learning from my experiences.
I do feel like I want to let these feelings go, but maybe you're right and on some level I'm just not ready to.