BMs, SMs and boundaries

What should bm and sm do if either is overstepping a boundary of the other?

I think we can all agree that a bm insisting a sm not show up at a Girl Scout promotion, school concert, soccer game, or anything else of that nature is inappropriate.

But what about school conferences? Does sm need to be involved in education decisions? I know I, as a sm, don't go to anything of the sks I'm not invited to if it involves education/medical issues. I'm really torn because I know some BMs may feel, "my ex and I have everything under control, why does sm have to be here?" I also think it's a great thing if sm supports her sks as much as possible.

Bm may feel that some issues need to be left to bm and the dad. The ultimate decisions need to be left to them. In many ways I agree. Final decisions need to be left to mom and dad. Three's a crowd.

But sm is entitled to know about things that affect her life and home.

So what should bm do when she feels her boundaries are being crossed? What should sm do if she feels that way?

I don't think bm or SM should have to kowtow to each other. I think if one thinks a boundary is being crossed, there's a civil way to let the other person know that.

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I think the problem is that

I think the problem is that our boundaries, which seem perfectly natural to us, are INVISIBLE to others, and vice versa. Best case scenario, imo, is a slow dance where both gradually figure out where the other person's nose begins and know not to throw your fist anywhere near there. I was doing this dance with my kids' SM last year, but things broke down for several reasons.

It's good to be open-minded and not insist on your own way of doing things ALL THE TIME. There has to be give and take - which is only easy if both are sane, normal people interested in a mutually beneficial cooperation.
I wish my ex would remarry!!

It is none of her business if

It is none of her business if you influence where HER son goes to school?

ROTFLMAO wow you have a set don't you? You have no business butting in. SO one school is more convenient for you? Guess what it is up to your boyfriend to get his kid to and from school on his time not you. If BM really wanted to she could amend the CO to state that SS not be around you and/or that there is a morality clause and you will no longer be the live in when her kid is there. All it takes is a pissed off BM and a conservative judge. It has happened to many people here before.

If you keep pulling the alpha female high conflict routine that BM is going to get fed up and you do nothing but hurt the kid and your boyfriend but by all means you do know more about this than anyone else here.

You just have no idea. NPD??

You just have no idea. NPD?? Sure sounds like it.

LMAO you don't have a clue at

LMAO you don't have a clue at all...WOW

It has nothing to do with the

It has nothing to do with the ex limiting what we speak about and all about you thinking BM is the high conflict one when you post so much high conflict coming out of your mouth it is unreal. :sick: :sick: :sick:

I totally agree with HRNYC.I

I totally agree with HRNYC.I have said it before but the husbands play a much bigger role in causing issues than most of the kids. If mom and dad are doing what they should be doing a step mom shouldn't have to over step. In almost 9 years I have NEVER attended a parent conference and I never will ( other than BS's.) I have gone to plenty of school events and I praise the kids about their good grades ect... I have helped with homework when they were little and not smarter than me but I am not their mom. I do mom things at my home because I am the mom of that house for my child and because they are good children I do the same for them.

I think it depends on what

I think it depends on what boundaries get crossed. The school conference thing is always such a petty thing (IMO) to get up in arms over. If the SM is going just to 'show she can', pfft, stay home SM. If the SM is involved in homework and studies and seriously interested in helping the kid/s succeed in their education, no problem. I am in favor of separate parent conferences BTW.

Childhood events that are important to a child (such as award ceremonies and sport activities), IMO if the kid wants SM to attend I don't have any problems with the thought. Bugs the crap out of me that two grown women can't manage to be in the same room (they don't have to sit together nor even speak to each other) at the same time or sit out in the stands of a sport field is ridiculous. Of course again it depends on 'why' SM though wants to be there. If she's wanting to just go to hang on the guy's arm and sneer across the room at BM with a 'ha-ha', pfft, SM stay home.

Boundaries such as discussing birds and bees (for example) or deciding when it's time to tell the kid there is no santa? Those aren't decisions for a step-parent to make. Teen daughter is pg and wants to tell her parents privately about it? SM would be (IMO) crossing a boundary insisting she must be present for any personal discussions. Dad can talk to SM all he pleases after the announcement has been made to parents. So I guess the boundaries I take would take seriously as really being the parents role as the actual parent are the lines SM shouldn't cross. That's not to say SM can't talk to her husband and give her views and opinions/suggestions. On the otherhand, Papa and BM want to purchase a vehicle for kid and SM is going to help pay for the thing (because of SM/DH joint finances), no way would such a discussion take place in my world without me being present and having a place at the table with genuine input.

How to handle it? I think if there really is a boundary issue the ladies (both of them) have little choice but to request the BD to be the middle guy in trying to smooth the way. Nothing good comes from SM going off the handle and confronting BM, nor BM tossing a hissy and stomping her foot and starting vindictive games with the SM. I think kids have a hard enough time being shuffled between homes, different rules and expectations without SM and BM getting in each others face out of jealously or trying to prove (to who ?)) that I'm a better mommy than you. Kids know who their parents are, no kid needs two mommies and no kid is going to stop loving their parent just because say a SM helps kid with homework or takes kid to mall or care takes kid while Dad works or ran Junior to her dental appointment because nobody else could. No, the trouble comes when SM decides it's her place to tell BM how to parent or BM tells SM it's not SM's place to tuck a kid in to sleep at night.

Sometimes it's a matter of the father not approving of the way BM parents (or vice versa) in the opposite home and the step-parent gets caught in the middle. Sometimes no matter how hard it is to watch a parent screw up (either parent) it's best for the step-parent to stand back and let the parents make their mistakes.

I feel I never have much to

I feel I never have much to contribute to most posts since, as a 24/7 365 stepmom, my situation is wildly different, but I have a "shoe on the other foot" experience with this. When ss8 was starting kindergarten we hadn't seen hide nor hair of bm in months. For the previous two years he had been in preschool and bm had never been there, spoken to the teachers or asked for the address. Out of the blue she informs us that she is comin to kindergarten orientation and she wants the name and adress of the school and the time of orientation. We give her the information. She shows up late, sneers that she and her boyfriend of six months decided that a a stepparent he would stay home to be considerate. She then tells the teachers that she lives ight around the corner, call her any time. Ss took one look at her, me and dh standing together and burst into tears in front o his new teachers. She has never set foot in that school since then. We didn't hear from her for months after that. She didn't give them any contact information. She has never had anything to do with his education, god only knows why she chose to make that appearance. I spent the rest of the year dealing with two extremely confused kindergarten teachers. We had to bring in our lawyer to force the school to accept our court order (bm cannot take ss) and assure us that they would call us if bm ever showed up toget ss.

I agree with all of this.

In my state if you are not

In my state if you are not listed on the birth certificate you better be a legal guardian with guardianship papers signed by a judge and filed at the courthouse or the teacher that says anything to you will be in jail. That is even if you are legally married to a parent and they say it is ok. The law doesn't allow it.

No one said the step parent.

No one said the step parent. It is the eductator and would you like personal information about you or your child given to someone that it should not be given to?Seriously? When someone is arrested they cool their heels in a jail cell until they are given a first appearance where bond is set.

High conflict MOTY wanna be.

I am putting on my sunglasses now, the sparkle so damn bright I am burnt to a crisp. I have more if anyone else needs them...

"And me saying honey, sweet

"And me saying honey, sweet heart is actually ME being nice"

I call BS on that one...

I have missed you!

If you and your boyfriend are

If you and your boyfriend are so enlightened and such great parents why are you here?

Don't forget how long you

Don't forget how long you have been doing this...I have to go to bed, I have kids and they need to be up early tomorrow for school.

HRNYC, are you

HRNYC, are you hyperventilating over run of the mill teacher/parent conferences or more along the lines of IEP conferences were planning/programs are discussed and laid out for the child for the year after evals?

If it more the IEP type mandated student planning session conferences, yeah I will agree that these meetings are much more stricter, formal and confidential governed by guideline procedures , but I think most people here when speaking of conferences are referring to the run of the mill 'here is Susie's report card and state test score, yes she's a great student but she could use some work on sitting still and zipping her mouth'.

I do find the "I go to

I do find the "I go to support my HD/SO/BF, he asked me to go" rather a fragile excuse. Support him how? Tuck in his chair? Hold his hand in case that big bad teacher says something not pro-skid?

Thank you for posting this!

Which was totally funny

Which was totally funny tonight. Sheldon Bazinga'd the heck out of Leonard.

if you being at a conference

if you being at a conference causes the bm angish whether your spouse asked you or not you would declined . why you ask? because and maybe it's age and experience showing here tonight that this is an indication of the pas that is going on. and guess who takes the brow beating for your husbands less then thoughtful decision to ask you to attend? yep your stepchild. so if you really care about the kid you put your feelings aside and worry about the kids. cause their getting the sm shit storm from their bm

ah but we have one sparkly

ah but we have one sparkly snowflake that says she would go and if there was a problem then it is all BMs fault and BM should think more of her kid and not get upset that high conflict SM is at the conference even though BM doesn't want her there.

But honestly, you are right. Be the bigger person and don't go where you really should not be.

Seriously, how many people

Seriously, how many people really need to be at a parent teacher conference. If your husband, boyfriend ore whatever he is can't put on his big boy boxers for 20 minutes and go to something with his ex wife w/o his wife, fiance or GF with him really what kind of a man is he?

I have never felt the need to be at something just to show BM. I don't agree with her all the time and some of the crap she does drives me nuts, BUT so does my husband. At the end of the day I have nothing to prove and when youstart feeling like you have to show someone or show them up who really has a problem?

"Regarding a conference, the

"Regarding a conference, the only people who need to meet with the teacher are the people who are directly involved in the kid's education or an issue that is impacting his education (and if a BM or dad want their partners there, I am assuming this is the reason)."

Speaking for myself, and knowing myself (not trying to be rude), I wouldn't be going to conferences if I wasn't married to one of the parents. And even then, I don't go unless I'm asked. But, to each their own.

It just seems like you expect bm to play by your rules, and your rules only. The reality is that she may well see things differently than you do. Maybe you BOTH need to lay down your weapons.

When it comes to the illegal stuff she's done (that is invasive to most people) press charges (if she does it again).