Adult SS and almost adult SD are sweet and kind and funny but are causing me some serious issues with my husband.
I just joined Step Talk and this is my last ditch effort to get some advice from others in similar situations as discussing the kids with my husband is not working, he gets very defensive.
So my SD is 17 and my SS is 20. My SS lives at home still and is a very nice boy in most respects. The issues I have is that although he keeps his room tidy and does his own laundry he refuses to do any other chores in the house. We have set chores for all of the children and my Bio daughter at 19 is the only one who does her chores on a regular basis and shows any responsibility. (probably because to start I would follow up with her every time, believe me she is not perfect and this took several months before she realized I was serious and wanted this done every week). Now, it is becoming very difficult to ask any of the others to do anything because of the response from SS, read below.....
I have directly asked my SS to do his chore(s)and he has never done it (June 2012 to present we have being living in the same house). He actually looked at me several times and said "no". I asked him last year when my Husband was out shoveling a heavy snow fall to go and help his Dad because it was a lot of heavy snow and he said "no" and proceeded to go down to his room for a nap.
Well we had a heavy snow fall yesterday and his Dad and I worked on it for several hours. His Dad then asked him to shovel a path to the back parking pad so SS and my Bio daughter could have access to their cars and he said he might do it tomorrow because he was tired today (tired of lounging on the couch apparently). So Bio and I went and did it and that seemed to be fine with hubby!! How is it that they were supposed to drive to work today if we had not dug them out???
When I spoke to hubby about it last night I told him that I felt like saying "maybe I would make SS supper tomorrow because I was tired today". We had some words on it, so much so that I took a little time out and the only thing I could get through my mind was how much easier it was to be single and living with my own children. I went so far as splitting the household in two in my mind and moving/divorcing.
I love my husband but I am tired of the contentious atmosphere surrounding SS inability to do anything. I know for a fact that the few times that we spoke of certain things and Hubby said he would address it with SS he started the conversation with "boy (she) is mad at you" even though he was equally upset with SS when the event happened.
This is the biggest issue we are facing right now with our adult children.
Any advice from anyone out there?
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Comments
do you give him money for
do you give him money for gas, cloths, etc? If so stop
No finally we stopped doing
No finally we stopped doing that this yeear. He lives at home and makes more money than I do, with all of it disposable income so we decided that he didn't need us to subsidize his lifestyle anymore. Up until this year though we paid his hockey fees, clothing, etc. I am glad that is over with!
Hopefully, you and your DH
Hopefully, you and your DH discussed adult children living with you, before you got married.
DH and I are on the same page on this issue. (and if we were not...we would not have married).
After HS graduation, you can only live at home if you are in school FULL time and work at least part time.
Why is skid living with you anyway? Sounds like he makes a decent living...
Good point, we spoke about so
Good point, we spoke about so many things but I think this is one that we missed :?
I am of the opinion that 20 is an excellent age to start exploring their independence unless they are in school full time (I moved out at 18 but times have changed in my opinion). My oldest BD moved out at 20 but SS is playing a rather high level of hockey for a local team and according to hubby "he is so in love with hockey, it is his passion" that we are supposed to apparently support him in this dream, he can play until the end of the year he turns 20 (this year) and then as an over age during the year he is 21, if invited.
Of course for the years we dated SS was very excited to move out with his buddies right after high school and I thought it was a non-issue.
I have come to understand now though, why would SS move out when our marriage allowed for an upgrade in homes, two women in the house to cook and clean and bake (and apparently shovel the snow etc). He is living in paradise, there is discussion of his moving in Mar-Apr next year but I am sure I can't get hubby to lock that down firm without appearing to want to kick his boy out.
It is so frustrating.
Charge the kid rent. Don't
Charge the kid rent. Don't make him dinner, and strongly suggest he start looking for a new place. I would have let him dig his own car out after the snow settled in and packed down. My brother moved home after college for a while, and he paid rent AND did chores, and never had an attitude about it. Tell your DH that this has driven you to think about leaving, and it's serious to you!
Good advice thank you! If I
Good advice thank you!
If I had raised the SS there is no way in hell that we would have this problem now because I was very firm with my kids on what was expected of them. Sounds like your folks were great parents and that is most likely why he was helpful, responsible and did not have an attitude about it. Not the case in my blended family, good kids in many respects but not taught a lot of essential skills the least being respect for adults.
I appreciate your posting! I am going to screw up my courage and let hubby know I am thinking about leaving if this situation is not addressed.