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how do I talk to his ex

jenaM's picture

Submitted by jenaM on Sun, 10/27/2013 - 11:41am

Hello! I am a fairly new step mom, I guess about 6 months. Im having the hardest time adjusting to her parenting style... Or, as I prefer to call it, putting up with her shit! One of the children is sick and suppose to be on medicine and she isn't giving it to him. Like, really sick. Im so annoyed. I get the kids and his prescription hasn't been touched. On top of that the first thing I did was wash whatever dirty clothes she sent them with and the dirtier clothes she sent them in. I bought clothes for them cause I got tired of it. I still wash the clothes she sends, cause at least they will have some clean clothes.the only time they get baths is when I give them baths. I finally talked my husband into talking to her about the medicine thing, and it started a huge fight. Furthermore the house is disgusting! We pay her mortgage and all her bills, we give her money for all the things she needs, she doesn't even work. Which, I guess I understand, a little, but the house and kids should be clean!!!! That is her only job, and she can't do it. We already brought one of them here, because she couldn't handle him. Its hard not to keep the other two. Is there a nice way to ask her to please do at least the basics for them?

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QueenBeau's picture

Submitted by QueenBeau on Sun, 10/27/2013 - 11:50am

You don't. You have to leave all of that up to DH.

If you're that concerned, report her to CPS for neglect.

jenaM's picture

Submitted by jenaM on Sun, 10/27/2013 - 12:10pm

He talks to her and she gets pissed and threatens to keep the kids from him. Until she needs money. Is it my place to report her? Am I ready to have 5 kids full time? I know I can do it better than her, but its a hard and scary situation. I want what's best for them, but I dont want them to hate me for taking them away from their mother. I want them to hate me for normal things, like grounding them and setting boundaries

QueenBeau's picture

Submitted by QueenBeau on Sun, 10/27/2013 - 12:14pm

Any stranger on the street could report her for what you say. I wouldn't try talking to her. If she's high conflict with your DH she will be high conflict with you. Save yourself the wasted time/breath of trying to talk to her. She may act friendly like she is going to listen at first but 9/10 times it won't last & she'll be cussing you out in a second.

Talk to your DH & see what path he wants to take. He may want to talk to the kids teachers & see if they've noticed any odd behavior & then take the evidence plus what you guys already know to CPS to have them do an investigation.

If your DH doesn't want to act, there's really not much you can do.

jenaM's picture

Submitted by jenaM on Sun, 10/27/2013 - 12:15pm

There is no support agreement. He wants to just make sure the kids are taken care of. And financially he is, but she has to do her part and she won't. I know he needs to do it. He's offered to send her to her moms and take care of the kids until she can get on her feet, but she won't do that either. Cps already called him and said they felt the kids would be better with him. She isnt mentally capable of basic reasoning.

newtothis03's picture

Submitted by newtothis03 on Sun, 10/27/2013 - 12:44pm

This is a BIG NO NO. Child support needs to be set by the court. I worked for an attorney before our recent move and we dealt with situations like this alot. Men make this mistake more so than women. Receipts need to be kept on anything purchased and paid. And by your DH just paying her way is only enabling her...not helping the situation. If CPS has already confronted him regarding the children, then half the battle is already won. They must already have documentation. You need to talk to your DH about the situation and make a decision

jenaM's picture

Submitted by jenaM on Sun, 10/27/2013 - 1:18pm

Won't it reflect poorly on him for not just taking them in the first place? He knows its going on and we didnt take them to start with? There isn't anything stating we can't. I would like to just take them, and I think if the situation were different I would. I feel bad for her, first I steal her husband then I steal her kids too. It was a similar situation, they were together and we were best friends, she cheated on him everytime he went overseas and finally he got tired of it and left her for me. So I steal him from her and then she sucks at being a mom too so I take them too. I want them here with me, because I know we take care of them and the whole time they're there I worry, but I dont want to push her out of they're lives either. I just want her to be better. I thought about sending them home with soap, just to be a bitch! I told the kids they need they're bath on Tuesday, cause I give them one on Sunday, but its not their job to tell her when they need things like that its her job. It pissed me off.

jenaM's picture

Submitted by jenaM on Sun, 10/27/2013 - 12:05pm

She won't work, and I kind am sympathetic to the fact that she has never worked and needs set time off for ss's appointments. But yeah, it annoys me. We put 200$ in the account for food and she buys new video games and cds and movies then asks for gas money.

HadEnoughx5's picture

Submitted by HadEnoughx5 on Sun, 10/27/2013 - 2:56pm

Sounds like BM is taking DH for a ride and wants no part of responsibility. I would have a Child Support order in place. He doing too much for her. Also, if you suspect neglect which sounds like there is, something needs to be filed.

Is there a visitation schedule, court ordered. If there isn't, get that in place. If she refuses to allow him his visits, she will be in contempt of court.

oneoffour's picture

Submitted by oneoffour on Sun, 10/27/2013 - 9:22pm

This is how it will eventually go down. She will take him to court in 4 yrs time and the CS will be set then. As there is no record of payments to date she will retrospectively claim back CS and it is likely the court will demand he pays it. SO he will end up paying 2x as much. Like that little scenario?

There are plenty of SAHM's who do a wonderful job without ever having worked a day in their lives. Think back to your grandmother and her mother. So because she has never held a job is no excuse for 'getting on her feet'.

I would seek an attorney NOW and get things set in stone. She may well get alimony but it will be for a finite period of time and not 'until whenever'.

The non medicating a child with CF is dangerous and should be addressed. And if it was the marital home she should buy him out or the house is sold and each does what they want with the profit if there is any. This is not about you coming 2nd for the rest of the time this woman is on the planet. And if your DH feels so guilty about leaving her that he has to continue to prop her up enabling her to continue this game then maybe he isn't so over her. I would not live/marry a man who hadn't reached that state if indifference.

Tidying things up in court allows both parties to plan their futures as they see fit.

Oh and check into your state regs regarding Wills etc. You may find yourself with NOTHING if your DH/SO drops dead and BM gets it all

jenaM's picture

Submitted by jenaM on Mon, 10/28/2013 - 12:36am

We keep records of all the financial support given to her. We have bank statements showing all the bills paid from his account and money transferred directly to hers. It was the marital home but she has no rights to it, as she has never helped pay for anything. At least that's what his attorney said.