Need help finding resources
Hello to all! I found your site this afternoon and I can commiserate with so many step parents out there!! I'm a new sm with an 8yo sd who is awesome! I coudn't be luckier, my sd is the sweetest kid and we have a great relationship with one another. But every rose has its thorn and the thorn in my story is (as in many of yours) my husband's ex-wife.
I could bore you with stories of the b.s. she pulls but you've heard them all before (and it would only be for my own release!)
So here's my issue; I'm a paramedic by trade. I have a fair amount of knowledge with regards to mental disorders and behavioral problems. But she's got me stumped.
As I mentioned my sd is 8. My husband's former wife treats her like a 3 year old. She controls every aspect of her life and is trying to make a little clone of herself. A few weeks ago we found out that my sd was still sleeping in her crib-converted toddler bed and that she was too tall to lie end to end so was sleeping curled up. (She mentioned she was embarassed to have friends over b/c she still sleeps in "her baby crib" and we compared it to her little brother's crib in our house and she explained how it was set up for her.)
She still feeds her gerber graduate meals for diner (then she shows up at our house hungry.) My sd isn't allowed to shower and must take supervised baths.
She sends my sd to our house in one outfit (and I mean same shirt, same shorts, same shoes, same underwear and same socks) because the clothes she buys with child support "belong to her." We have to send the clothes back dirty because she'll throw a fit if we wash them (my sd says her mom inspects the clothes upon return so she can see what my sd has done at our house.) A few weeks ago we accidentally sent back white underwear with pink trim instead of the white underwear with purple trim she wore over and it was pratically the end of the world (I don't remember what underwear I'm wearing today let alone those of my kids!) But thats how bizzare it is. She goes so far as to force my sd to have her hair cut short the same as her's is despite my sd's request to keep it long.
My sd decided this year she'd like to take up he violin in school so we rented her a violin and the ex-wife has been b--ching up a storm because she decided that my sd will be taking clarinet lessons b/c that's what she played in elem. school. My sd has been noticibly upset that her mom isn't supporting her and she has no intention of quitting the violin and doesn't want to play clarinet.
She told my sd that she couldn't afford a new bed for her. She gets $600/month in shild support, she lives with her mom, works a full time job and drives an old car. As far as we know she has to pay for her cell phone and food (and maybe not even food!) Our lawyer advised us that to buy a bed for my sd to have delivered to her house. We explained this my sd that we didn't think it was fair for her to have to sleep in a crib and magically her mom came up with the money and now she has an adult sized bed as of this week.
Alot of its BS stuff to upset us, but I'm worried that this is crossing the lines of emotional abuse and that my husband's ex-wife is suffering from some detachment/bipolar-ish/personality type disorder that's causing her to treat her 8 year old like a 3 year old. I've been looking for resourses on the topic and I'm not coming up with a lot. Our first priority is my sd so we've been aggressively persuing changing custody to more time at our house with our lawyer and we have a feeling that if things continue on as they are we'll be looking for full custody soon.(since my husband and I both work shift work we can't go after full just yet the bio-parent has to be with the child at all times in PA and we're still willing to work with his ex)
We believe that despite the fact that we think she's nuts (my less than clinical assessment!) my sd should have a positive relationship with her bio-mom. If anyone knows of any disorders that fits this profile, we would love the info so that we can forward it to our lawyer so she can encourage the court to have her evaluated and helped.
Any help, advice, points in new directions would be greatly appreciated. Be well.
- medicmom
personalisty disorders
go to http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/personality-disorders/DS00562
I haven't actually spent any time assessing this site, however, I trust it as the mayo clinic is perhaps the most respected teaching/research clinic in the world. I am sure you can at the very LEAST get the DSM criteria for each of the various personality disorders.
In my very un-professional opinion (I am an educated housewife essentially) the behaviors you describe would be likely to fall under Borderline and Narcissistic personality disorders. They are very similar and it was once commonly thought that only men sufered from Narcissistic whereas the female version thereof was borderline. However, there are a great many women who do not engage in self-mutilation but who DO have the other symptoms which land them in the narcissistic league.
These two personality disorders show a marked lack of understanding boundaries. I believe what you describe is the boundary between Me and The Other. In other words, the mother does not recognize the child as a seperate entity, rather she incorperates the child into herself, considering all the childs behaviors and actions to be an extension of herself.
On a less mushy-psychological level, I used to think when I was in my twenties that there never was a GOOD reason for having children. People always seem to do it for the same four reasons. 1) they are lack a satisfactory amount of love, devotion, affection and so try to reproduce someone who will love them more than their parents or spouse. 2) conception was not a decision but a consequence of their own sexual appetite. 3) They are so self obsessed they need to reproduce offspring to see what "they" are like to "themselves". 4) they are so obsessed with their lover that they are obsessed with making a mixture. I think selfless behavior comes AFTER birth - if at all.
Then there is the question of nurture... if one is so self absorbed as to create a being when they themselves are so infinitely f'd up (as is the case with so many mothers) just how do they present as role models? And are these children biologically predisposed to psychological predispositions? Or do they learn them by watching their mother, their filter on the world, and modeling their behavior after her?
Its very confusing but the results are essentially the same - you are still stuck with a psychologically damaged child. Worse if you actually love her and feel a moral duty to provide for her.
Bitter Bitch Syndrome...
The symptoms begin appearing when they can't get over the past... it gets worse when they refuse to move on.... It hits a peak when their ex begins dating and gets even worse yet when their ex remarries....
Its a phenomenon amoung psychiatrists... often untreatable.
"Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned"
-Budda
I hope this helps....
Often women who are mentally traumatized during divorce or what have you tend to form SYMBIOTIC RELATIONSHIPS with their children. It is a serious matter that needs to be addressed and treated immediately!!!
http://family.jrank.org/pages/172/Boundary-Dissolution-Dimensions-Bounda...
Please do a search on parents symbiotic relationships with children. You should be able to find more info there!
"All that we are is a result of what we have thought."- Buddha
You might also want to
You might also want to consider that Mom may have Separation Anxiety compounded with a Psychological disorder.
I would like to ask you, was SD about 3 yrs old when they divorced? Was the divorce amicable or emotional? It could be PTSD where mom is 'trapped' in a degree of her life, she can't get past it. OCD could also play a slight role where you have the control issues creep up. It's hard to say. Personality Disorders are very hard to distinguish without a trained psychiatrist/psychologist, and often you can have more than just one where one is a symptom of the other, and the cycle in and out. Plus, you have the trigger factor too...
The best thing you could really do is document everything strange, indifferent, or contradictory. Make a log of events. You bring it to court and the court can have BM evaluated.
Thank you all for your
Thank you all for your wonderful insights!! Things have been quiet this week, we're waiting to hear back from our lawyer to have our custody hearing set up... oh goody!!