You are here

Question for those of you past the skid issues

Shaman29's picture

Submitted by Shaman29 on Tue, 10/22/2013 - 3:50pm

After you got to the point where your skid(s) came of age and were no longer an issue in your life, did you have problems reconnecting with your SO/Spouse?

Comments

Shaman29's picture

Submitted by Shaman29 on Tue, 10/22/2013 - 4:01pm

That is exactly the problem. We went to dinner on Saturday night. He opened up the conversation by telling me Uberskank was moving to another state before the end of the year. Then going on and on and on and on and on and on about his kid.

We were together all afternoon and he didn't bring this up once. Waited until he could use it as conversation fodder over dinner???

Every conversation turns into a discussion about his kid or his ex. Worse yet, these conversations are more and more making me feel isolated and I am to the point where I don't see him as my husband, and more like someone's dad. KWIM??

Shaman29's picture

Submitted by Shaman29 on Tue, 10/22/2013 - 4:07pm

I know? Right??

Actually I'm in a good spot with her. Years of disengagement have paid off in aces.

She is a senior in HS, 18 and has turned her attitude around. I still don't want a relationship with her, but I can be around her now without wanting to mow her down with my car.

bearcub25's picture

Submitted by bearcub25 on Tue, 10/22/2013 - 4:26pm

Like.

I hate SS20 with a passion b/c of what he did to me. Thank God he hasn't even tried to contact me since he got out of jail.

Patsy's picture

Submitted by Patsy on Tue, 10/22/2013 - 3:57pm

Start dating now and not mentioning the kids. I came to this realization a few years ago. What will we do when it is just the two of us. So now DD is old enough to be alone and DH and I have been able to reconnect by making new memories. We laugh until we cry now when we are together. I miss being there for my DD constantly, but it needed to be done.

Shaman29's picture

Submitted by Shaman29 on Tue, 10/22/2013 - 4:02pm

We do go out on dates.

He manages to turn every conversation around to his kid.

I'm to the point where I dread seeing him open his mouth.

Patsy's picture

Submitted by Patsy on Tue, 10/22/2013 - 4:07pm

Oh no not good. We were at that point before and I told DH lets go out, but not discuss the kids. If you do discuss them then there will be NO DESERT! Wink It worked!

Shaman29's picture

Submitted by Shaman29 on Tue, 10/22/2013 - 4:10pm

I tried talking about his with him the other night, telling him I feel we lost our way with intimacy in our relationship.

I received the eye roll and "I thought you were okay with her now." and I didn't realize we can't talk about my kid any more.

Then he turned it all around and made it about me. That I was angry, I was unapproachable, I was having problems at work and with my family.

He said I was the one that needed help, not him.

bearcub25's picture

Submitted by bearcub25 on Tue, 10/22/2013 - 4:31pm

Is there a topic that annoys the crap out of him? If so, keep bringing that subject up everytime he brings up BM or Skids. If he says something tell him 'That's how I feel when you only talk about them.'

My DSO is very good at instantly changing the subject if he doesn't want to talk about something. It can be something totally random and out of context but damn, he is good at it.

Shaman29's picture

Submitted by Shaman29 on Tue, 10/22/2013 - 5:03pm

I suggested this......Saturday night was supposed to be our First Date night.

Hence my frustration.

stormabruin's picture

Submitted by stormabruin on Tue, 10/22/2013 - 4:01pm

We kind of struggled with this when custody changed. DH had the kids full-time when we met. BM was not around. That is the situation our relationship was built on.

In 2 years time, BM came around & wedged between DH & the kids. Custody changed & we were battling in & out of court for 2 kids who wanted nothing to do with us. DH fell into a deep depression. We were both sad & hurt.

We didn't fight, but there was a distance between us. The foundation we built on was gone & we had to figure out how to just be together, without the kids.

Shaman29's picture

Submitted by Shaman29 on Tue, 10/22/2013 - 4:12pm

Storm, this is my fear, that we don't have a foundation EXCEPT for all of the skid and Uberskank issues.

Now that they're gone.........I feel like the foolish man who built his house upon the sand.

Hanny's picture

Submitted by Hanny on Tue, 10/22/2013 - 4:31pm

This happens in intact families too, not just blended ones. My ex and I did not do date nights, everything was about our daughter (his skids were older and never really caused us too many issues after our daughter was born). When we did go out by ourselves, we found ourselves talking only about her, how much we loved her, how cute she was. It's the empty nest thing with skids or with bios. I might add that my ex was an alcoholic and that is the reason I left him. But often once the kids move out and on, you look across the table at the person and wonder who they are because you lived for your kids/skids and didn't take any time for yourselves together alone. You need to do things with your spouse as a couple, find something you both like to do together without the skids and do it, make a point of doing it, whether it's walking, cycling, whatever interests you, you need to do it together, create an interest of your own, just the two of you.

Shaman29's picture

Submitted by Shaman29 on Tue, 10/22/2013 - 5:05pm

And I'm sick of talking about my feelings to a therapist.

At what point do I stop fixing ME before I realize the problem is a crappy relationship??

noidea1010's picture

Submitted by noidea1010 on Tue, 10/22/2013 - 5:41pm

As a last ditch effort, SO and I are going to see a therapist, today is actually our first meeting. I'm envisioning him being quiet, because he really thinks it's all me and me, spewing out all the problems, resentment, anger, etc. Hopefully my SO will "get it" when the therapist is speaking so he knows what I've been saying for the last year...

:/

hismineandours's picture

Submitted by hismineandours on Tue, 10/22/2013 - 5:31pm

My skid did not come of age, but he is pretty much out of our lives. He moved out of our home about 18 months ago. For the last two months he has been in juvenile detention. He spent most of the 18 months refusing to speak to dh for months on end then randomly calling dh and asking for things and then not speaking to him again. Dh has not spoke to him at all since probably early August.

We rarely talk about him at all. He does occasionally come up in conversation, but it is simply a passing remark here or there and could be by either on of us. I love, love, love spending time alone with dh and always have. This past weekend we just spent the day at a winery about an hour away. Came home feeling reconnected and in love. Going to Vegas, just the two of us, in exactly one month!

Normally, a lot of our lives are about our kids-we have dd16, ds14, and dd11 at home. They keep us pretty busy but are also at the ages in which they like to do a lot with friends and such.

I recognize that issues with ss15 could possibly pop up again. I do know that I am now very firm with my boundaries. Not an option for ss to ever live here. Quite frankly not an option for him to ever visit here again. If my dh wants to visit ss on us his own, that's fine with me.

ltman's picture

Submitted by ltman on Tue, 10/22/2013 - 9:03pm

What do you mean getting past skids? Don't you know that lovers come and go, but kids/skids go on forever, and when they come back they're bringing more with them.