OT - I have nowhere else to vent about this online
So, I hope none of you mind, but, I need to get this all out somewhere.
When FDH and I first got engaged, my mom gave me crap about wanting to get married where we live now, in PGH, instead of in NJ. And, not even just that, but, she gave me crap about not wanting to get married at her house. Some people might think "Gee, that sounds fantastic, actually, to have your mom offer up her home as a venue!" but, you would be wrong if you knew the history between me and my mom - a long history of neglect and abuse. And that's not even taking into account the fact that my mom's backyard has barely enough room to hold a wedding because of all the crap my sister has back there from the above ground pool, to a giant ass garden, to a picnic table under a canopy thing, to the tons and tons of kids toys all over the yard.
Then, there's the fact that when my sister got married, she got married on Long Island, where she lived at the time, and nobody in my family gave her any hell for it. AND they helped her pay for her wedding. I didn't ask my mom for any help. I knew before talking to her that she would give me crap about where I wanted to get married and I decided then and there that I was going to pay for it without her help. I feel that because I'm not getting help from my mom financially for this that it gives me a certain amount of liberty to do what I want. All of my friends keep telling me that I have the liberty to do what I want because it IS my wedding after all.
But, ever since I put my foot down with my mom, she and my sister have been saying snotty ass, passive aggressive things related to the wedding and how we're not getting married where they live, how it's not letting them help and blahblahblah. So, that's obnoxious and keeps me from talking to them regularly because I don't care to hear the snotty remarks anymore.
Well, yesterday was my first day of going dress shopping and while I left a little dinged up because the lady forced me into some dresses that were way too small, I was exhausted, and because I found what quite possibly could be my dream dress but it's WAAAAY beyond my budget, FDH texted me when we were on our way home and said that his dad was now giving him crap about where we're getting married. UGH!
Mind you, he talked to his dad a week ago or something and told him about when and where the wedding will be. So, it took his dad a week to get huffy about where we're getting married.
I just want to scream at these people. None of them are paying for our wedding, I am. We live out here and it's stressful enough planning a wedding - and I have an amazing wedding planner!!! One of the big reasons why I decided not to get married anywhere else than where we live is because of how much work is involved in planning a wedding in terms of visiting locations and meeting vendors. That would have been WAY too taxing on me and FDH. I'd have to take off from work, or FDH would, and we'd have to travel way too much to find places to look at and people to interview. And, we'd have to kiss having our wedding planner goodbye. There's no way she'd be able to do that with us (not to mention she'd probably not have the resources available to her like she does out here).
I'm just getting so tired of the asshats who are complaining about where we're getting married and am ready to just tell them that if they don't like it that they don't really have to come to the wedding. 
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So what's their b*tch about
So what's their b*tch about where the wedding will take place? The distance? The cost and/or arrangement to put them themselves up for the weekend?
Your mother's backyard sounds dreadful and very gloomy for a wedding setting. While a garden wedding can be beautiful, her yard doesn't sound like a perfect garden wedding. As far as all the 'helping', well I suppose it's nice to offer to help, but some people really would rather have the fun and excitement of planning their perfect wedding day all by themselves. I see no problem with DH/you and wedding planner doing your own thing in your own style and timeframe. Others might have more say if paying (as to what they'd be willing to foot the bill for ect), but it's your dime. If you want to do it all by yourselves, simply say 'thanks, but no thanks'.
If expense of travel and where the couple's parents would stay is an actual hardship on them, you might budget in a bit to help them in that area. Send a car for them for pick-up and pay for room at hotel? Just suggestions, as it's be worth an extra $500-$750 to me to get them to shut the h*ll up.
We really have no idea what
We really have no idea what the exact rub is for them. The common refrain seems to be "but your family lives here in NJ". They don't seem to care that we live here and that our lives are out here.
And, with the people who are bitching about it, if travel is a hardship then you could have fooled me. My family isn't filthy rich, but, they've got the money to spend on a drive out here or even a flight, plus two hotel rooms for a weekend. Same with FDH's dad and SM. They travel all the time (both families). In fact, FDH's dad and SM just recently went to Dubai for two weeks so I'll have a hard time believing that coming to PGH for a weekend is more cost prohibitive than going to Dubai for two weeks.
We are definitely taking the cost of hotels into consideration. We're making sure that we block rooms at hotels that offer various price ranges so that our out of town guests can be comfortable getting a room that they can actually afford.
I think they will get over
I think they will get over it, too. It's just frustrating to have people act this way. The only person who questioned where we were getting married and wasn't an ass about it was FDH's older brother. He simply asked where we were getting married, then asked why PGH, and said "OK, cool, I look forward to spending the weekend with you guys in your town!"
And I think if they get all assy and refuse to come, they'll regret it. My mom actually tried guilt on me in this form when we first talked about our wedding being out here. After a nice long convo of explaining to her why I'm getting married where I want to get married, she ended our phone call with how they (my sister, my mom, and my sister's family) probably won't be able to make it out. Now, while my sister is a pain in the ass, super controlling, NPD, and a bit BPD, I tattled on my mom because I know my sister wouldn't want to miss my wedding - after all, she appointed herself matron of honor *eyeroll*.
But, I like what you're saying. FDH and I will do as we please ^_^
>>>Tell them all to shut up
>>>Tell them all to shut up with their opinions (as politely as you can word it)<<<
This is what FDH will be doing ^_^ Thankfully, he told me last night that he will handle all the assy people who just HAVE to comment on this crap if I keep handling the easy stuff for the wedding. The rest of it, we're doing together.
Your wedding day is about you
Your wedding day is about you not them. I'm sorry but they sound rather controlling if anything. I can understand a offer but if its not what you want then it should be left at that and no further questions asked or comments made. Do what you got to do and keep in mind that its your day not theirs.
Yup, that's my family and
Yup, that's my family and FDH's dad for you. Controlling as all get out. Honestly, I should have seen it coming from all sides. I know how my family is after 31 years of life and FDH's dad and SM were super vocal about not wanting us to move to PGH in the first place and did everything in their power to try to talk us out of it.
I can't even ask my family
I can't even ask my family for ideas and opinions. Other people, definitely. But my family takes any convo about the wedding as an invitation to make their passive aggressive comments.
When my sister found out we were going to dress shop this weekend, she wanted pictures. So, I sent her pictures. She said half of the dresses I wore made it look like I had a baby bump. Asshole.
I actually had my one and only Bridezilla moment yesterday - though my maid of honor (who I asked to be my MOH and didn't appoint herself) said it really wasn't since it's a legitimate concern. I was engaged once before and my sister was my MOH. I specifically picked out a dress for her to get that went with my colors perfectly. She went dress shopping and bough something COMPLETELY different. Yesterday, on day two of dress shopping, we found the dress for my bridesmaids and I sent the pic to all of them, including my sister. She was acting fishy about it. Asking what dress I was talking about, even though I had sent her one pic of a dress for them, things like that (either just being really dumb or really fishy). I looked at my friend and said "if she pulls the switcheroo again, she's out of the wedding, plain and simple. It's not too much to ask that all of my bridesmaids get the dress I want them to wear in the color I want them to get it in." And I was a little heated, so, it was angry sounding haha.
Oh good lord. I would pick a
Oh good lord. I would pick a special dress for your sister. One that was as unflattering as I could find. I guess that would be a bit passive aggressive in return so you can't really do it.
Bahahahahaha. That would be
Bahahahahaha. That would be hilarious. I'm just hoping that the dress looks awful on her, which would be a sweet surprise for me because this dress will literally look good on everyone in my party (I have a variety of body types on my side).
Oh good lord. I would pick a
Oh good lord. I would pick a special dress for your sister. One that was as unflattering as I could find. I guess that would be a bit passive aggressive in return so you can't really do it.
My bride and I had an
My bride and I had an announced elopement. We told friends and family where and when and invited whoever wanted to come. We gave about 10 days notice. My mom was there, my brother, SIL and 5mo old niece were there, my BFF and his GF (long out of the picture), my brides aunt and uncle were there and SS (then 1yo) was there.
My ILs chose not to come and my dad could not make it from overseas on such short notice.
The whole weekend including gas, hotel, food, marriage license, dress, flowers, etc... cost us ~$500. We celebrated our 19th anniversary in July.
My first wedding cost my XILs $25K, my parents about $5K and lasted 2.5 years.
Have the wedding that you want and inform your bitching relatives that if they keep bitching their invitation will be revoked.
Enjoy.
>>>Have the wedding that you
>>>Have the wedding that you want and inform your bitching relatives that if they keep bitching their invitation will be revoked.<<<
Thank you! This is exactly how I'm feeling about all of this. When I was engaged before - and not an engagement like this where I'm thrilled to be planning the wedding and marrying the man of my dreams - the Ex's family bulldozed me completely. We weren't even planning on getting married out of state, but, his family refused to drive an hour to get to the wedding so his mom strong-armed me into having the wedding at their house (thank GOD it didn't happen at all).
Hm...now that I think about it, perhaps my mom remembers this and is under the impression that I'm the same helpless, abused individual that I was 9 years ago...
Well, if she does, she's wrong, that's for sure.
Have the wedding you want.
Have the wedding you want. Give everyone adequate notice re: dates and location. If necessary spring for a hotel room for the parents.
If they choose not to come and bitch about it, gracefully say something like "I am so sorry, you will be missed. I will make sure you get a photo."
Your mother doesn't like the set-up because she cannot control you. FDH's dad night just be a grouchy old fart who doesn't like to travel.
Have the wedding you want. And they should be grateful it isn't in Alaska.
>>>Your mother doesn't like
>>>Your mother doesn't like the set-up because she cannot control you. <<<
Ding, ding, ding! Accurate!! My family is all about controlling me. That's part of why my mom hates that I live so far away, because she cannot exert control. But, for me, it's healthier. I haven't been as happy before as I am living out here. I can set boundaries with them and enforce them.
FDH's dad, however, not so much. He and his wife travel all the time. They've gone on more cruises and trips in the four and a half years I've been with FDH than I have ever been in my life. The last trip I know about, they went to Dubai for two weeks. PGH is a hop, skip, and a jump away comparatively speaking. At least if FDH's dad stamps his foot and refuses to come to PGH for the wedding, it will make things more enjoyable for FDH's sister. FDH's dad disowned her years and years ago when he was with a previous partner. Previous partner was racist as all get out, and, FDH's sister has biracial children. That's muffed up, IMO. And while FDH's sister and FDH's dad have been places at the same time since then, and have both attended weddings for the family, I'd much rather FDH's sister and her children be happy and comfortable than the person who disowned his daughter and is giving FDH crap about where we're getting married.
I agree with your friends.
I agree with your friends. You don't need to justify what you are doing to anyone except maybe your FDH. My mom and sisters were not all that happy for me when I got married this summer. DH and I actually decided to go away and get married with just the two of us. I did what I wanted and even though there was some initial guilty feelings about not including the kids, I don't regret it for a second. I'm not saying you should run away and get married on your own. That's what worked for me. It sounds like what you are doing is what works for you. So that's what you should do. I'm sorry that your family seems to be unable to be happy for you. I'm sure it adds negative feelings where there shouldn't be. I don't know if it makes sense saying something or not but sometimes I find when someone is being passive aggressive setting them straight as politely as possible can help. The next time they make a rude remark tell them "You know when you say things like that it makes me think you aren't happy for me. I would hope that you could understand that this is my wedding and you could be happy for me."
Yea, I definitely like your
Yea, I definitely like your idea of a response. I can craft something perfect to use when my family starts with their snarky passive aggressiveness for sure.
^^^ True facts right there
^^^ True facts right there haha. Ever since FDH learned how controlling and ridiculous my family has and can be, he's never wondered about why I hated SD's bossy ass ways.