So, it's all going beautifully, Friday night was peaceful and pleasant. Saturday morning I get up early, do some washing, take dd's to dancing (drop them at 10am, pick up at 5pm - so the rest of the day is for housework and OH and I quality time)
Get home, OH has hung out the washing I did earlier and is mowing the back garden; I do some more washing, we eat some lunch together and are catching up on some recorded TV shows from during the week while deciding where to go for a drive/walk until we have to pick up the girls....
We have just made up our minds and are ready to go, watching the last few minutes of the show when....
SD13 calls....
"daddy, I NEED you to drive me to the **** ***** **** tonight in ***** at 6pm, and pick me up and take me home at 9pm"
(for the record - sd lives 30 minutes East of us, where she wants to go is 40 minutes West of us - where she used to live until BM decided to move - so all her old school friends are going to be at this place - so we are talking pretty much 2 hour round trips to drop her off and pick her up... on BM's weekend....)
BUT - OH just said "no"
She whined a bit and he said "no, I am busy, we have plans, sorry"
She upped the whining and started crying and said "what are you doing that is so important, I REALLY want to go?"
He said "that is not your business, we have plans, I'm sorry I can't do it"
She hung up on him.
He wasn't thrilled but we are about to walk out the door, when BM starts blowing up his phone with the texts....
BM "WHY is sd crying?"
OH "because I can't drive her tonight I am busy"
BM "Why are you busy? What are you doing that is more important than SD?"
OH *crickets*
BM "you selfish arsehole, it's just all about you now isn't it? I can't believe how selfish you have become since you left me! You used to be a much better person"
OH *crickets*
Smiling Was very proud of him but SOOOO pissed off with the BM.
I cannot believe the gall of this woman, she hasn't had her own kids for a full weekend in 3 months OH has picked up the slack for her EVERY weekend she demands it. But HE is the selfish one?
OMFG
Anyway.... we are driving along, and to be fair I know BM had shoulder surgery about a month ago and isn't supposed to drive for 6 weeks. So I know the skids are stuck at home a lot... And I know SD doesn't get to see her old friends much....
OK I caved LOL - but I do feel *I* was the winner, I suggested to OH that we pick up my dd's from dancing at 5pm, then drive to get SD (an hour away) drop DD's home (dd21 was finished work by then and could babysit for us) drop sd at her thing, grab a pizza and have a romantic dinner at the beach (near where sd's thing is) pick her up at 9 and take her home.
A bit out of our way, but we get a date night (was scheduled for Tuesday but Sat is easier), SD gets to see her friends (although I don't think it would kill her to live with "NO" occasionally) and I get brownie points with OH for trying to accommodate them and make him happy.
And lets face it - it WAS do-able. I am wrapt that he said NO right off the bat and stuck to it, but in this situation a compromise was workable, sometimes they won't be - and I feel that having compromised here the next time; when I won't it will be easier.
Does that make sense?
Anyway, SD ended up sleeping over at her friends so we only dropped her off, OH said that he categorically would NOT be picking her up Sunday, that he would pick her up at 9pm and take her home, and if her mum wanted her to sleep over then it was up to mum to pick her up..... So, we assume that is what happened.
Well I think the whole thing reflects very well on you and DH in terms of trying to accommodate each other and be supportive of each other's needs. Especially the hanging out the laundry and mowing the lawn ;). The only worry at the back of my mind was whether because he took that big step and said 'No' to SD, in order to uphold your agreement, and then you backtracked and enabled him to do it anyway, next time he might think 'well Luchay softened and let me do it last time so she'll probably do that again this time' and go back to saying Yes. But hopefully it'll work that way you want and he will appreciate your compromise and understand next time when no means no.
I get what you are saying - but we did discuss it - and I said right up front -
There are times when it IS workable and I am willing to compromise - and this is one of them, but you need to understand there are times it won't be (shouldn't be) and the weekend away the other week SHOULD have been one of those times?
He agreed.
And I think because one of the issues the whole time has been him thinking I will ALWAYS say no it upsets him, it makes it hard for him to come and ASK (talk to me about it) I get that too. So, by showing him that *I* can compromise and make things work *he* is now understanding of what I have been saying all along.'
We shall see anyhow.
But at this stage, it was a lovely (relatively) stress free weekend.
Edited: Part of me was pissy that SD got what she wanted - but that was going to happen anyway - BM was going to do it. And I think in the long run - BM is not supposed to drive, she can damage her shoulder permanently if she uses it too much too soon. Soooo, if she does that OH will be relied on more and more to do the running around ALL the time. WAY better to give her the 6 weeks and then have her back at full capacity (which is not that great at the best of times LOL) Ah well, you get what I mean...
yes, I agree with that - but they are always going to act that way, no matter what OH or I do.
What *I* did was to benefit my relationship with my OH. It's an issue WE have been dealing with - him feeling upset, anxious, sick every time an issue comes up where he has to make a decision - talk to me and incur my anger or just make the decision to do it and deal with me afterwards.
I needed him to understand that I won't ALWAYS say no, which is what he thinks I want - does that make sense? But that it has to be a discussion, that WE decide together to make something work or that we are too busy, at the end of the day it was about US not them. If it couldn't have worked out without too much hassle to our day then no would have stood. But seeing how we can work together, that we can BOTH be happy - that was the important thing.
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So, it's all going
So, it's all going beautifully, Friday night was peaceful and pleasant. Saturday morning I get up early, do some washing, take dd's to dancing (drop them at 10am, pick up at 5pm - so the rest of the day is for housework and OH and I quality time)
Get home, OH has hung out the washing I did earlier and is mowing the back garden; I do some more washing, we eat some lunch together and are catching up on some recorded TV shows from during the week while deciding where to go for a drive/walk until we have to pick up the girls....
We have just made up our minds and are ready to go, watching the last few minutes of the show when....
SD13 calls....
"daddy, I NEED you to drive me to the **** ***** **** tonight in ***** at 6pm, and pick me up and take me home at 9pm"
(for the record - sd lives 30 minutes East of us, where she wants to go is 40 minutes West of us - where she used to live until BM decided to move - so all her old school friends are going to be at this place - so we are talking pretty much 2 hour round trips to drop her off and pick her up... on BM's weekend....)
BUT - OH just said "no"
She whined a bit and he said "no, I am busy, we have plans, sorry"
She upped the whining and started crying and said "what are you doing that is so important, I REALLY want to go?"
He said "that is not your business, we have plans, I'm sorry I can't do it"
She hung up on him.
He wasn't thrilled but we are about to walk out the door, when BM starts blowing up his phone with the texts....
BM "WHY is sd crying?"
OH "because I can't drive her tonight I am busy"
BM "Why are you busy? What are you doing that is more important than SD?"
OH *crickets*
BM "you selfish arsehole, it's just all about you now isn't it? I can't believe how selfish you have become since you left me! You used to be a much better person"
OH *crickets*
Smiling Was very proud of him but SOOOO pissed off with the BM.
I cannot believe the gall of this woman, she hasn't had her own kids for a full weekend in 3 months OH has picked up the slack for her EVERY weekend she demands it. But HE is the selfish one?
OMFG
Anyway.... we are driving along, and to be fair I know BM had shoulder surgery about a month ago and isn't supposed to drive for 6 weeks. So I know the skids are stuck at home a lot... And I know SD doesn't get to see her old friends much....
OK I caved LOL - but I do feel *I* was the winner, I suggested to OH that we pick up my dd's from dancing at 5pm, then drive to get SD (an hour away) drop DD's home (dd21 was finished work by then and could babysit for us) drop sd at her thing, grab a pizza and have a romantic dinner at the beach (near where sd's thing is) pick her up at 9 and take her home.
A bit out of our way, but we get a date night (was scheduled for Tuesday but Sat is easier), SD gets to see her friends (although I don't think it would kill her to live with "NO" occasionally) and I get brownie points with OH for trying to accommodate them and make him happy.
And lets face it - it WAS do-able. I am wrapt that he said NO right off the bat and stuck to it, but in this situation a compromise was workable, sometimes they won't be - and I feel that having compromised here the next time; when I won't it will be easier.
Does that make sense?
Anyway, SD ended up sleeping over at her friends so we only dropped her off, OH said that he categorically would NOT be picking her up Sunday, that he would pick her up at 9pm and take her home, and if her mum wanted her to sleep over then it was up to mum to pick her up..... So, we assume that is what happened.
I think my OH manned up this weekend?
Well I think the whole thing
Well I think the whole thing reflects very well on you and DH in terms of trying to accommodate each other and be supportive of each other's needs. Especially the hanging out the laundry and mowing the lawn ;). The only worry at the back of my mind was whether because he took that big step and said 'No' to SD, in order to uphold your agreement, and then you backtracked and enabled him to do it anyway, next time he might think 'well Luchay softened and let me do it last time so she'll probably do that again this time' and go back to saying Yes. But hopefully it'll work that way you want and he will appreciate your compromise and understand next time when no means no.
I get what you are saying -
I get what you are saying - but we did discuss it - and I said right up front -
There are times when it IS workable and I am willing to compromise - and this is one of them, but you need to understand there are times it won't be (shouldn't be) and the weekend away the other week SHOULD have been one of those times?
He agreed.
And I think because one of the issues the whole time has been him thinking I will ALWAYS say no it upsets him, it makes it hard for him to come and ASK (talk to me about it) I get that too. So, by showing him that *I* can compromise and make things work *he* is now understanding of what I have been saying all along.'
We shall see anyhow.
But at this stage, it was a lovely (relatively) stress free weekend.
Edited: Part of me was pissy that SD got what she wanted - but that was going to happen anyway - BM was going to do it. And I think in the long run - BM is not supposed to drive, she can damage her shoulder permanently if she uses it too much too soon. Soooo, if she does that OH will be relied on more and more to do the running around ALL the time. WAY better to give her the 6 weeks and then have her back at full capacity (which is not that great at the best of times LOL) Ah well, you get what I mean...
yes, I agree with that - but
What *I* did was to benefit my relationship with my OH. It's an issue WE have been dealing with - him feeling upset, anxious, sick every time an issue comes up where he has to make a decision - talk to me and incur my anger or just make the decision to do it and deal with me afterwards.
I needed him to understand that I won't ALWAYS say no, which is what he thinks I want - does that make sense? But that it has to be a discussion, that WE decide together to make something work or that we are too busy, at the end of the day it was about US not them. If it couldn't have worked out without too much hassle to our day then no would have stood. But seeing how we can work together, that we can BOTH be happy - that was the important thing.
And next time, well. No will be no.
Next time - Leave SD to fend
Next time - Leave SD to fend for self & give the man a Blow job he won't soon forget for manning up }:)
LMAO - exactly! I think it is
LMAO - exactly!
I think it is starting to dawn on him where his "best interests" lie.
After letting me down so much lately lets just say the cookie jar has been empty a LOT more often than usual.
But when he makes me happy -
He is starting to see this }:)