Friend said I sound "jealous" of BM
So I was driving along the other day having a chat with a friend who is married and has one child. I was talking about DH and the SKids and BM, and how no matter what happens, I never feel "first" in anything. I don't feel like a part of this family, I feel like an accessory to it. I mentioned that it pissed me off that DH PURPOSEFULLY had kids with BM, but does not want to with me. (When me dated and married I told him I was on the fence but leaning to no thanks, then around 36 started to change my mind and he made it VERY clear he wanted no children. Ouch.)
Anyhooo.... If I do sound "jealous", please tell me so. I don't feel jealous of HER, just resentful that I seem to always come last.
A good example is tonight. I haven't spoken to DH for over 24 hours. I finally reach him and I'm wanting to vent about 2 really serious things that happened. Before I can get that out, he tells me p/u with BM has changed and she will be bringing back SS earlier than normal and I don't have to get him. I start to tell him my stuff and he cuts me off because OMH SHE'S CALLING. Let me rush off the phone to answer HER.
I'm sorry, but I don't think he should rush off the phone to answer her anything! He works a job that when he can't answer the phone he CAN'T answer the phone. So, he could have been busy and had to call her back and that would have been no problem. But talking to me? Meh, second fiddle. He can drop my call to pick HERS up.
And he wonders why I always feel this way.
Is that jealousy?
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The next time you are in the
The next time you are in the middle of a conversation walk off and call up an ex. I don't care if you haven't talked to them in 20 years. Payback is a bitch... maybe you'll get lucky and he'll see the point.
LOL so I just told him I
LOL so I just told him I don't appreciate him getting off of the phone with me to speak to her and he gave me some twisted around and B.S. sounding explanation about why he had to speak with her so badly etc etc etc. I don't buy it, the story just doesn't make sense.
Anyhow, he can't understand why I feel so "second", but he says "I guess I'll talk to you sometime" and just hangs up. No "Bye". No "Later". Nothing.
I can tell you that after watching 13+ years of he and BM fighting, he has NEVER once gotten off the phone without a salutation. Ever. He would never dare be so rude to HER.
I completely understand what
I completely understand what your feeling! I don't know if its jealousy or not but I hate that my FDH has all these "first"experiences with BM. He has one daughter and I think he would be fine not having anymore children because he has his big I have let him know I don't have one so we will be having one! I hate it when he tells me how something should be done because he's done it before with BM. I know we all knew our DH had lives before us, but sometime you don't want/ need to be reminded. He needs to show you your special place I'm his life.
Wow blogging on iPhone is
Wow blogging on iPhone is terrible tons of mistakes lol
Why, may I ask, are you still
Why, may I ask, are you still giving him you? I am sure you love him, but do you truly feel in love, or happy with the way you feel in this marriage? Are you going to look back in 5,10,20 years and feel satisfied with how you lived your life?
I just think life is far too short to settle. People change and grow, and if you and your DH are no longer in the same 'space' you were when married, maybe you should reevaluate how you want you or life to continue.
Just from reading your post, it seems to me like your DH will continue keeping BM as his #1 priority over you, always, and be resentful should you dare voice discontent......acting as if 'you' are the 'problem' and not him....
Screw that.
By the way, I don't think it's BM herself you are jealous of, I think it's the position she holds over DH.
I've dealt with this for over
I've dealt with this for over a year. Honestly, I told SO that I feel second to BM, that she's more important etcetcetc. He. Didn't. Understand. :O
We were dating long distance for nearly a year at the beginning, there were a few times I left his place a day early during our w/e visits cause he would leave me to go running around after BM and her B.S, and what drove me madder, was the fact that I had to listen to him vent and whine about her, yet watch him run around after her :? I hated the way it made me feel. BM did end up taking up SOOOO much of my head space, I hated it! I had to put up with it for over a year and a few times came close to walking away from this r/s just to get HER out of my head!
Recently, SO has finally started putting up boundaries, he doesn't jump for BM when she says anymore and that has helped A LOT. For me, it was the "actions speak louder than words" that meant more to me, of course he always told me there was nothing to worry about etc, but I don't think he ever understood that I wasn't worried about that, just b/c he had no romantic feelings for his ex, didn't give him a free pass to put her emotions and demands above mine, regardless of the fact they have a child together.
There are still times when he falls back into his old traps and "puts BM's needs first", but now at least when I get upset about it, he doesn't give me his old lame excuses. Your friends opinion was very unfair! Your feelings are extremely valid and your DH needs to be more respectful and mindful of you!
Jealous isn't always
Jealous isn't always negative. It's a normal human emotion. What counts is how you process it and that you aren't reactive about it when it happens.
Sit your SO down and talk with him (sans cell phone). Let him know that it's important to you that the two of you reconnect, and when you haven't spoken for a while, you expect that the reconnection will be BM free. If someone has to be made to wait, SHE can wait. She isn't his wife anymore and if there is an emergency with his child, she can call 911, and call him and leave a message.
I'd have been upset too if that happened to me.
I have struggled with this as
I have struggled with this as well, I confronted my husband, who didn't get it. I tried in every way to explain it to him... if he were in my shoes... etc- he just didn't understand. Finally he did something (that he had done many times before) where we were supposed to have a weekend together and BM didn't want to watch SD that weekend and without asking me, he said ok. So I said, "look, we have fought about this before, and you I would be upset (that's why he tried to gently tell me with a super cute "don't be mad at me" voice. Not cute btw) and you knew she would be upset if you said No, you had to pick which one of us to you were going to upset and you picked me. Which means you chose HER happiness over mine, AGAIN!!!!" That finally got through to him and we haven't had any arguments about her over me in a long time. It's weird but they really just don't see it... just have to figure out how to get them to get it. After 13 years though.... he really should have gotten it by now. He must be a slow learner
The fact is that if you want
The fact is that if you want a kid, you can make that happen. Even with DH who may not want anymore kids.
Not that I would suggest that you do it but .... you are the woman in the marriage and you control the birth control.
No, you are not jealous. Few Sparents have any reason to be jealous of the blended family opposition. You have your spouses present and future. All the opposition has is the past. So do not give the jealousy issue any more space in your head. Focus on you and your DH.
IMHO of course.