Was it right for me to tell BM how I felt?

BM called and was badgering DH about mid week dinner tomorrow. She thinks the kids need saving from me and that they should not have to respect my authority or even address me during their visitations. DH tried to interject and explain that kids need structure and discipline and that he nor I are out to get them but if they misbehave there are consequences they will have to face and that he would appreciate BM working with him and not going behind his back telling him that we are mean. BM asked to talk to me.

I picked up the phone for a minute just to tell her that I think that if she condones the kids disrespecting me they will think they can go out into the world and disrespect other adults and that it hurts me that she would think it was ok for them to treat me that way. She pressed the issue and informed me that I have no kids and never will therefore have no business telling her how she should raise hers. I handed the phone back to DH who continued their conversation to no avail.

I'm wondering if I should have even tried to reason with her at all.

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I don't want to have to go

I don't want to have to go through that. I'm glad I got to at least tell her how I felt even if she ignored me. The kids are only here a few hours mid week and then EOW so its up to her to in force rules and make sure they stick because if we push them here and then they go crying to BM two hours later and she baby's them and make us seem like bad guys. They wont learn anything and they will grow up being disrespectful to anyone who is "mean" or has authority over them and could end up in serious trouble later in life.

If anything, you can now say

If anything, you can now say you tried and it's not your fault that she is incapable of being mature for the sake of her kids and how they are raised. That being said, you can now wash your hands clean from anything they do, good or bad.

I told SD not to talk back to me one time and had BM go on a rant about how I am not allowed to discipline her kids as it is not my place. It's not my place to spank her kids, treat them badly, or disrespect them (or any kids, including my own). However, if her kids are gunna come to my house and raise their voices at me and talk back, they will be spoken to by me if necessary. I told her if she didn't like it, then they didnt need to come to my house every weekend, and their father could make other arrangements.

I refused to make myself look like the bad guy. Don't let that happen.

There is no reasoning with

There is no reasoning with people like that. I don't think you were wrong though, she's the one who asked to speak to you.

I do wonder about parents who think it's ok for their kids to disrespect adults.

Somebody needs to tell her how to raise kids because she's doing a crappy job.

My DH's kids are 20, 21, and

My DH's kids are 20, 21, and 24, and their BM seems to be very similar to the OP's BM. I was not around when they were growing up, but she told them that that they can do what they want, when they want. Her family, DH's family and the skids themselves will tell you this. DH tried and tried, and he still does, but nothing works. They are horrible. They have absolutely no respect for anyone, and they have no coping skills. They all live with BM and her aunt. The laziest human beings I have ever met. I don't see them ever leaving, and BM is "tired" of it. Oh well....she created it.

I think your husband needs to

I think your husband needs to record himself saying:

"In our house the children will be taught to treat ALL adults with respect. It does not matter if you agree with it or not. Our house, our rules." And everytime she brings this topic up he needs to hit play and then rewind and play again. Save himself some breath and effort.

I'm laughing but that's

I'm laughing but that's actually a good idea.

^^^^^^^I TOTALLY AGREE^^^^^^^

I don't think you were wrong.

I don't think you were wrong. She wanted to talk to you. I would not have been so nice if BM wanted to talk to me about her thinking it's OK for her kids to disrespect me in my own home. In fact, she would have a ringing in her ear for about a week.

I don't think you were wrong

I don't think you were wrong because she wanted to talk to you. If she didn't like what you said, or doesn't like you, she should have just kept talking with DH.

I agree with what the others said. She doesn't seem like a person who will teach her kids to treat adults (you included) with respect. But you can and should let these kids (and BM) know that you won't tolerate $hitty behavior towards you from them.

Whether you have kids or not

Whether you have kids or not is irrelevant. You have stepchildren, and if they spend time in your home, you have every right to parent them as you see fit. If their parents don't want them parented by you, they can take them elsewhere. I'd be damned if I would have a child in my house and not parent them, and allow them to be disrespectful towards me or any other adult. NOPE.

Your house your and DH's rules. Doesnt really matter what BM thinks