Guilty for being annoyed
I am a stepmother of two good kids who are 11 and 13. I love them, and after reading many of these entries, I am now feeling EXTRA guilty.
But the long and short of it is: We have the kids "every other week," but because they love being at our house so much more than their mom's house, they are always here! I come home from work and they are lounging around, playing video games, making a mess, watching TV, etc. I am the kind of person who really needs my space and time to gather my thoughts, especially after a grueling day at the office. And my gut reaction every time I see them is that I am purely annoyed, and even angered when I see them. These feelings are immediately followed by feelings of guilt for my gut reaction (which I really can't control), and then I have this constant inner battle to resolve these two feelings.
I have talked to my husband about it, many times. And he says that he understands, but I know that in his heart he does not. How could he? He loves his kids so much and would love to have them 100% of the time! Also, he is a logical person, and these feelings do not necessarily follow logic. That's what makes them feelings.
Moreover, we have a dog, and for the kids to go to our house everyday and take the dog out after school is a good thing, and I know that! My husband asks me, "Isn't it a good thing that they come and take the dog out, even when it's not our week to have them?" Of course it is. But then I think to myself, "Can't you just take the dog out and then LEAVE?" Again, feelings of guilt flood over me as soon as I think that.
I've spoken to a therapist about this, who told me that it is perfectly natural to have these feelings of annoyance, and not to feel guilty about it. But there is also no REAL situation. I'm young for a stepmom of teen/preteen kids (I'm 29). And not a single one of my friends can relate to me. Many say, "Just tell them to leave!" But obviously we can't say that... I don't want to scar them for life!
I am a GOOD stepmom during the weeks that we have them. I make good meals, talk to them, buy them gifts... I even learned Swedish to fit in with their world (I am English).
But the reason I am a good stepmom during "our weeks" is because I can fuel up during their BioMom's weeks!
It's been almost five years, and I still have not found a way to resolve this issue that I am having internally. I know that when I look at other peoples' perspectives, I have it pretty good. If anything, my stepkids like us SO much that they allllways want to be around. But finally: Why the heck isn't their mother calling and telling them to come home? I'm not their mom's babysitter, and she should take responsibility. But that would turn into a whooooole other drama if it were to be brought to the table.
I feel as though at this point, the only thing I can do is vent. And try to smile my way through it. At least until they get old enough to move out, and I actually start missing them and wanting them to come home. Yikes, horrible thing to say! And thus the cycles tarts again....
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Comments
Have you tried talking to the
Have you tried talking to the kids? They're 11 and 13, they should be able to clean up after themselves, even if it's just pick up their garabage. Just make sure you start on a high note, say what's upsetting you, and then follow up with lots of love and affection.
I think it is extremely hard
I think it is extremely hard coming home to them everyday when your not expecting to have them every day. I know I would like that down time when I get home. And it would be annoying if I got home and that was taken away from me when I am expecting to have it.
I am glad you have a good home life with your step kids, however I think sometimes these little things are what builds on the resentment that eventually drives us here.
And no matter how well you all get along and how much they love being at your home and with you guys, dont ever think for a minute that things would not change if they did live there full time. Because believe me they would.
I think it's important to have boundries and what your feeling it totally NORMAL.
Tog had some great suggestions.
Yes, you are young to be
Yes, you are young to be dealing with preteen and teen Skids. However, my wife was 16 when she had our son (my SS) which puts you and my wife at about the same age relative to the kids. I also agree that it was nice to get some reset and down time when the Skid was away on SpermIdiot visitation.
Were I you I would not feel guilty about your feelings unless you do not address what is causing them. I would address this with the Skids directly and tell them when you arrive that it is time to go home to their mom's house until their next visitation with their dad.
You sound like you are a good SMom so don't guilt yourself too much. There is no need for this to be a big contentious issue.
We managed to work through similar issues. My SS is now 21, I am his dad and he is out on his own and doing great. I became StepDad when he was 1yo.
Hang in there.
You know what's so weird? I
You know what's so weird? I find it easier to demand things of my own children then I do of sson. It;s a combination of things, it's DH always being defensive of ss, it's ss not being mine, it's me feeling like he;s not mine so I can't ask him to do something, and all that gets wrapped into a package of guilt. I can say to bs, please take out the garbage and then if he doesn't do it I can almost yell and say why didn't you do what I asked you to do? But with ss if he doesn't listen to me and then I almost yell DH gets very defensive. I don't know, it's all so complicated.
You are feeling like if you put boundaries in place that you might hurt DH's feelings b/c he likes having his kids over. Ask him how he'd feel if the neighbor's kids were always hanging out when he got home, his kids to you are like the neighbor's kids; they're not yours.
Thank you all for these
Thank you all for these wonderful suggestions and comments! I only just joined this forum this morning and feel like I have so many stepparent-gurus who actually understand what I'm talking about!
SteelRose, I empathize with your feelings on it being awkward to demand things of your stepkids, whereas it's more natural to ask your biological children to do things. Step-parenting is this odd dynamic that doesn't follow natural evolution (as compared to a parent-child relationship), so you have to create one yourself. If you're too harsh, you sound authoritarian, and the stepkids will cower and/or resent you; if you're too weak, then they walk all over you. For my own part, I think my step-parenting style lies on the weaker side of the spectrum, which I guess that is why it's hard to set boundaries, tell the kids to clean up, and go to mom's house!
I suppose in the end, it all goes back to creating boundaries, as Tog and the rest of you very wisely pointed out. And if it's nerve-wracking to confront them, then I need to bite the bullet and just do it, or else allow myself to stew, which sure doesn't help anything!
Boundaries show kids that you have authority, and if we set them, then things get easier. It IS very complicated and it can put your brain into spirals thinking about it! It's also sensitive with the DH because of course, you can't say anything bad about his precious children.
Rags - loved your mention of the "SpermIdiot" visitation. Hadn't heard that one before!
Didn't get a chance to post
Didn't get a chance to post yesterday but like your other replies I absolutely understand how you feel. Even if your stepchildren are nice and you like them and enjoy spending time with them it is NOT as relaxing as being on your own or with your own family and you do need some time reserved for you to have peace and quiet, and time to be with DH. Your DH does not understand, because he does not feel the same slight tension when his kids are there, but he IS trying to be understanding and sympathetic which is a start.
Obviously he does not want his children to feel unwelcome at your house, and in all honesty you both deserve warm congratulations for creating such a comfortable home, and dynamic between the 2 homes, that the children feel they can come and go with ease. Your DH is very lucky, not least because you are so supportive, with lots of access to his children he is the envy of divorced dads everywhere. With some small adjustments you may be able to get the right balance for everyone.
My suggestion would be to agree some nights with DH which are 'reserved' and have him let the children know that you have stuff to do on those evenings and need a bit of peace and quiet so they really need to be at their Mom's on those nights. That gives you the peace of mind of knowing there are at least some days when you can definitely come home to an empty house. On other nights if they are there unexpectedly when you get home you could just have a chat with them and offer them a snack and a drink and then say 'hey it's probably time you were getting back to your Mom's honey' and offer them a lift if appropriate. Or sometimes you might be ok with them staying longer. They key thing is that you don't have to let them stay till they decide to leave.
Thank you Tog and Bojangles
Thank you Tog and Bojangles for the suggestions - I will indeed take these up with DH. I really like the idea of reserving dates that are for just the two of us, and having other days when it is ok for them to spend a little time over here.
I feel so guilty because some days my stepparenting flame just burns out, due to extra stress at work or whatever, and it needs a lot to light it up again! Ugh. (I think today is just one of those days!)
Perhaps I should not complain as much though... Bojangles, as the mother of 3 and the stepmother of 5, you seem to have quite a bit more on your hands... bless you!
Thankyou for the kind
Thankyou for the kind thoughts, fortunately the hardest years are over for me as my older 3 stepdaughters are all in their 20's and independent now, and the youngest are about to turn 18 and 16 and do outings with their dad rather than visitation. But the years acclimatising to stepfamily relationships and political struggles over everything from visitation to who tidies up what and when are still fresh in my mind! My husband yearned for the more free and flexible access that your husband has with his children but unfortunately his ex made things difficult and the children were always very sensitive about offending or provoking their mother.
I know exactly what you mean about the stepparent flame burning out. I liken stepparenting to learning to drive, you're always on the alert having to think everything through, should I do this?, how will they take that?... the extra effort is tiring. It also requires more tolerance and patience than most relationships so you really need some downtime to recharge and get your stepmum smile back on. With my own children its like driving after you've passed your test - it's just more relaxing and less hampered by indecision.