I think the solution to all your problems is to disengage from SD. You said you're a non-issue. Clearly SD12 has disengaged from you, so you can do likewise. She wants something? Tell her to ask Dad. She wants a ride to Susie's house? She has to ask Dad. Send her to her room when she is at your house- it'll keep her out of your hair. Let her dad make her meals, do her laundry, etc. Maybe when he has to take more responsibility for her, he'll start to pick up on how she disrespects you and start doing something about it. I think that if she had consequences for her disrespect towards you, you'd feel a lot better and wouldn't feel like she was circumventing you, correct?

I do have to say that I can see how a lot of kids would call their dad to ask if they can come over. Count yourself lucky that she even did that, because many do not. It is then on DAD to ask you how you'd feel about her coming over. If you have plans or it wouldn't work out, he needs to say no. And he needs to be understanding if you choose to not be there.

My SD12 used to go to Daddy whenever I would give her an answer that she didn't like. She made the mistake of doing it in front of me one day. SO was playing ball and she wanted to go to the playground. I told her she could go in a few minutes. When Daddy came close, she started to ask him the same thing, but I cut in with, "I hope you're not asking him the same thing I've already given you an answer to." To which he got pissed off at her and she had to sit her butt in the stands for the rest of the game and Daddy wasn't happy with her.

I think it's common in all kids. SD12 still tries it from time to time, because Daddy is the softy, but she usually gets nailed on it and in trouble. She's learned just to start with Daddy if he's around.

Oh my sd13 does this too.

Recently it was about her birthday. Even though BM had said NO birthday parties this year as she took them to the US - Disneyland, SD conned dadddyyyyy into giving her a party.

Week before the party all week OH and I had the flu. But on the morning of I got up, took my dd's to dancing, came home, did 4 loads of washing (well over the course of the day LOL) and made her freaking birthday cake. He slept. No problems.

SD came and asked me if I would take her to the library as my dd10 had asked her to get updates for some things on her ipod.

Thought about it for like a split second -

1. How do I know dd asked for that? She is not here to confirm so I cannot allow sd to take dd's ipod.
2. It's your party later today and I am in the midst of the list above - too busy
3. OH and I both feel like crap, I could use his help here with the above
4. It's your birthday party in 4 hours, lets just focus on the list above and the party for today.
5. Tomorrow is Sunday, it's going to rain, I will have all 4 kids home and bored - better to ALL go to the library then.

So - I said no, not today and a brief outline of some of that reasoning...

I have washing hung out, another load in, the cake is resting - time for a coffee break until the next step needs doing. OH gets up. She is hovering outside our bedroom door. She mutters to him. Then goes upstairs.

He makes coffee and eats. I ask him for some help - he says "Oh, I am taking SD to the library"

I say "but I told her no!" (bear in mind had really had no chance to TELL him this yet!)

He says he told her yes, and he can see no reason not too! I say he is undermining me and she is playing us off against each other. Would he do the same if I were BM (ie if this were a "normal" family lol)

He says BM and he don't say no as often as I do, they like to let their children have/do what they want, what's the harm in her going to the library.

I explain my list of reasoning as above. He still doesn't get it, but gives in to keep the peace.

SD comes down, we are in the study, and asks when they are going. He tells her they aren't going. She leaves, I tell him that was a perfect parenting moment he missed - the chance to support me, and SHOW his daughter that I have his support and that she cannot go behind my back etc.

He calls her back and asks her if she had asked me and what I said. Bear in mind I am sitting RIGHT THERE!!! She says I said "ask your father" What The F*ck. I leave it about 2 minutes and he says nothing - just looks at me, so *I* ask her what did I really say? She mutters and gets uncomfortable but doesn't answer.

I say "did I say no, we will go tomorrow because of the weather and because we already have a lot going on today?"

She admits that yes that is what I had told her.

He tells her that is why she isn't going. She leaves.

No consequences for anything, for lying, for going behind my back etc etc etc.

I was happy he (sort of) supported me, but SO pissed that he didn't step up.