Update on exH/BD asking for school clothes
Well, I sent a nice email to the ex suggesting that I thought it was his responsibility to provide clothing for the kids while they are in his care and I'd be happy to shop for him or send over size info, etc. I told him I had already finished my shopping and let him know what ALL I have recently purchased for our 3 kids. I told him I was open for a discussion and am open about it.
He responded that he'd like to discuss it: he pays x in child support, has the kids 50-50 (is actually closer to 60/40) and he only gets to claim one child on his taxes.
His email was nice and not accusatory, but given that this is the second time in a month that he has mentioned that he pays child support, I think he is feeling taken advantage of (or his new wife is in his ear and unclear as to why he "pays so much" . (not the issue, of course, but I know that this is part of it).
I responded to the email that we can talk tomorrow at the school but he should also take into consideration that:
-I have the kids more like 60% which means that I should be claiming all 3 kids per the IRS, but I do not.
- I provide medical insurance and rarely ask for reimbursement for additional medical expenses
- kids have been in my care daily, m-f all summer which has saved him in child care expenses.
We've always works everything out on our own and have a great relationship so I'm sure we'll work it out. But I know he's resentful regarding his perceived 50/50 custody and paying me $1400 a month AND gettIng no tax break on the money that's going out.
He is the president of a successful construction firm where he works with his father. I'm sure he makes a lot of money and pays a lot in taxes as he does not own his own home.
Alternately, Ive purchased two homes since our divorce using bonus money as the 3% down payment for each. One is rented out for the mortgage payment an the one I live in costs less than the rent I was paying previously. His rent payment is more than either of my mortgages.
Getting off topic here.
Bleh. I hate rocking the boAt but I don't think he realizes how easy he has it. I think he could be paying a lot more ...
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Comments
THank you. When we divorced,
THank you. When we divorced, he moved out of our town and rented a high rise apartment in the city.
He later moved to another city and rents a house. Both of those expenses were his choosing. He does not like the city I live in with the kids and thinks its "too blue collar" - funny, coming from a general contractor, but that's another story.
And yes, I live
And yes, I live frugally.
Both exH and I got remarried this year. I went to the courthouse and went to chineese food after. He had a $20K wedding, and a honeymoon to the Bahamas (I know because I attended and sent a gift to be used on the honeymoon). His wife went on a trip to India this year with friends. Me and DH are FINALLY taking a honeymoon 1+ year later for 4 days on a TravelZoo special.
The home I live in was built before 1900 and needs lots of work. But I could afford it and it fit my family. He will not buy unless he can purchase in an expensive neighborhood.
I'm frugal and practical.. and smart. I know that purchasing a home is important for tax purposes. I think he is getting dinged and is upset about it.
I didn't get the first part
I didn't get the first part of your reply.
My understanding is that child support is to even out the standard of living between houses.
Assuming he makes EXACTLY what he made when we divorced, given my current income and our current arrangement, he should still be paying be about $200 less than what he pays me now. That's just based on the online calculator and doesn't take into account the fact that I supply medical coverage for all three kids.
Correct. As noted above,
Correct.
As noted above, when I run the online calculator using his salary of 7 years ago, it shows him owing very close to what he pays now.
I'm sure he makes more money than he did 7 years ago as he has teamed up with his father and they run a very successfull company where they are doing Million Dollar renovations for the govenrment.
Just to be clear. I did not
Just to be clear. I did not ask him for any money for school clothes, or supplies.
He's been bugging me to provide him with school uniforms for the kids since he's running low for the start of the school year. He sent a text yesterday asking what we were going to do about their clothes.He thinks that since he pays me child support, I should provide clothing for his house.
It really isn't a big deal for me to provide them to him - it's just that I really don't think I should be doing that.
THank you. I agree and though
THank you. I agree and though I want to say something exactly like what you said, " you want them, you need to provide for them" I don't want to be argumentative and hostile - though it is EXACTLY what I'm thinking.
Two weeks ago during a "discussion" we were having regarding him taking DS to his practice, he texts me and says, "I work hard to provide for them and this is what I get" - so I know he is feeling resentful.
I totally get where you're
I totally get where you're coming from, yes he pays CS and that it to provide your children with what they need, now him wanting a SECOND set of school clothing for HIS home isn't what I would call a NEED.
My ex and I were having trouble with school uniforms when changeover happened in the w/e, quite often we were having to drop pieces off late Sunday night or early Monday, however, when we changed changeover to straight after school that problem stopped (as the kids were in their uniform) I also ended up buying some good condition second hand stuff to top both our houses up.
I don't think some people realize where CS goes exactly, there's "rent" power medical FOOD! lol etc etc There's not usually anything "leftover" to buy EXTRA things for the other parents home.
I wish I could give you some ideas on how to approach this with him, I'm very much like you, I try to keep all my communications with the ex calm and fair to avoid conflict, sometimes though it can be really tricky to know just what to say.
"I don't think some people
"I don't think some people realize where CS goes exactly, there's "rent" power medical FOOD! lol etc etc There's not usually anything "leftover" to buy EXTRA things for the other parents home."
Couldn't agree with this statement more.
My budget is set around this support. The home I purchased for my/our kids is based on this budget. I would never dream of asking him for an increase as this is what we agreed to. I now have a new baby with my DH and would very much like to take time off of work to be a SAHM for a few years while she is little. I could easily request an increase in support from him, but I don't think that's fair at all. I know he makes very good money - more than he made when we split up.
We'll work it out. I'm sure.
Tomorrow is the first day of school and we're going to chat after they start. (He'll meet us there to with them well on day one and snap a few photos). He's a good dad and a good man. I think he is just naive on this process and what all the legalities are, especially since I do so much for him in regards to the kids.
He thinks he's got the short end of the stick but doesn't understand how much shorter that stick could be...
I have male friends who would KILL to pay their ex what mine pays me for ALL THREE KIDS.
I'm not sure I agree with
I'm not sure I agree with that statement and I've seen it discussed over and over on this site.
My understanding is that each parent is to provide for the child while they are in their care. Child support is to even out the income of the two homes based on the parents earnings.
Regarding the IRS, and the tax credit, this has been discussed here over and over as well and my understanding is that the parent that has the kids the most overnights gets the credits. The court order could say something else,but the IRS rules are as I stated.
I have no intention of going to court. We aren't really fighting. I'm just annoyed.
We need to get on the same page again. I think with each of us being remarried, it is to be expected that the new spouses want to questions all expenditures, etc. So I know that's why this stuff keeps coming up. He also probably got dinged pretty heavily getting married last year and saw some surprises on his 2012 taxes - as did I.
And trust me. If it were to go to court, I'd guarantee that he'd be paying me a lot more.
We handled our divorce on our
We handled our divorce on our own and you will laugh at what he offered/ agreed to in our divorce decree. It states that he pays me $300 a week in child support, he pays medical insurance and all medical expenses, he pays for private school tuition, he pays for all extra curriculars. It states that I have sole legal custody and we have joint physical custody. The kids were to be in my care and he could visit them in my home on Tues and Thurs evenings and we would do eowe with weekends starting friday after school/work and ending sunday night.
So yes. Even though finances (his inability to manage his) were a huge part of our break up, he was still living above his means during his creation of our custody arrangement.
To me, the court order is just a piece of paper. We have adjusted since then to where he pays me $350 a week. He didn't like coming to my house for his visitation so we switched to overnights at his house when he was ready. Then he wanted to have the kids in blocks of time rather than the two seperate nights during the week so we switched again to what we have now. There was no way in hell that he would be able to manage all of the things he wanted to pay for and asked to pay for in the decree, but I let him put them all in anyway.
Quick Update: He sent another
Quick Update:
He sent another email clarifying that he just wants to get clear on what the expectations are for extras, medical, clothing, etc so that he is clear. He also stated that he's happy to fullfill his obligations to the kids and knows that whatever we come up with will be fair. He also thanked me for being a loving, caring and nurturing mother for the kids...
He's a really nice guy, but ... (I'm thinking he may have done some research in the last few hours and realized that he could/ should be giving me a lot more and / or not be getting that tax credit).
Anyway, thanks for listening and providing input.
It's always helpful to hear other ideas.
I actually approached the
I actually approached the subject of college funds with him this year and he stated that he wasn't in a position to do that rigt now. But... He's a disabled vet and I found programs that our children are eligible for free tuition in any ca school. (uc, state, city). He didn't even realize he had this particular benefit but was aware "something" existed.
He was thrilled when I brought that to his attention as well.
Wow and sorry that my post
Wow and sorry that my post looking for input disgusts you.
I like to think that i am extremely fair with my exh and I think he's a great dad and we work together very well to raise out children the best we can given our inability to live together.
As u understand it, this website is for step parents. I have issues with my ex (that are quite vanilla) and major issues with BM (which is why there is a restraining order in place). So I understand being the new wife and the BM.
All that being said, I try to be fair and fully educated regarding my rights and obligations regardig my children. I have no intention of ever taking advantage of their father, but that being said, your can bet anything you own that I'll use anything to my advantage to make sure my children are cared for to the best of my doing. I currently believ that that revolves around their father being extremely involved with them and providing for them financially.
Sorry.
If me and the ex followed
If me and the ex followed what the court order stated, this wouldn't be up for discussion. He'd be spending about $3k monthly on the kids.
Again, this was at his insistence that the court order include tuition, extras, medical, etc.
The amount of medical insurance alone for three kids in ca would wipe out the $1400 in support he pays me.
Not to be rude, but I feel like you are projecting based on your financial situation with your dh - which is probably negatively impacted by the ex.
My ex and I had very very specific expectations regarding how we would enter into parenthood. We both expect and appreciate each other's continued commitment to that. This is why we work hard to be respectful of each othe and work thing out between the two of us.
I've also suggested several times that we pull them out of private school but we both continue to agree to keep them they through 8th grade.
Good example. My exH is a
Good example. My exH is a president of a construction company and they do jobs in several states. I don't ask what he currently makes brcause i dontt think its my business, but I see how he spends: vacations, vehicles, wardrobe, etc
Ok well, that's me. I settle
Ok well, that's me.
I settle for less than was previously agreed. But I'm. It out for blood either.
Some of his increase should
Some of his increase should benefit his children.
The OP isn't greedy at all. She could milk him dry if she wanted to, but she hasn't done that.
Child support also covers
Child support also covers food. Should moms supply dads with bags of food as well?
I'm feelin like this
I'm feelin like this discussion is way out of control. My ex and I have a great relationship. We chose to have kids and raise them traditionally with a mother at home and a father who provides. We were married 4+ years befr children came into play.
That being said, once I was pregnant, I could no longer attend my masters degree program and the education I worked for was no longer valid after We divorced. I gave up a lot. He earned hi contractors license while we were married and I ated for our kids. He knows this and I know this. I was in the education field and if I'd completed my eduvation, I'd have summers off, etc.
however, we wet young(er) and naive and figured we'd always be together. We remained Maried through 3 kids and 10 years. I did not request spousal support (though fully entitled to it for a lifetime given the amount of time married and the state we live in).
I try to be fair. Always.
Just not enamored by someone who makes double (maybe triple) what I make and requesting I provide $300 on clothing for his home. I'll do it. I have for the past several years, but would rather not continue.
Thank you! I get the idea
Thank you!
I get the idea that many of the responses are very personal, based on experience - many of these are far different than my own.
This whole thread rather
This whole thread rather puzzles me. I did encourage OP to email her ex and suggest a possible review of how the two of them have been doing things on the same 7yr old CS agreement. It's unrealistic to assume there has been no increase in the cost of living (aka supporting kids) over the timeframe of 7yrs. Even families of low income in my state regularly have CS reviewed every three yrs to see if there has been a change of circumstances
Without looking again I believe OP states her ex pays $1400 a month CS. In my state the legal guidelines of a gentleman with 3 kids would be required to pay 32% of his income for CS. That does not necessarily include 100% of the NCP's responsibility in the supporting of the 3 children. Daycare, medical, and yes, education can and are routinely added on in addition to CS. In my state CS is to cover the very basic needs of supporting a child. The intention of the basic needs of a child being food, shelter and yes, clothing. There is nothing to suggest every scrap of clothing nor footwear a child shall ever need during the 18yrs should and must be provided by the CP. There is no legal guideline stating CP will provide clothing for NCP's household . No such puppy exist in my state. If there has not been inserted in the CS and additional agreement between the parties ordering which parent pays for clothing in the NCP's home, 100 ladies here could debate this topic within an inch of the topics life, rattle about fairness and 'but that is what CS is meant to cover in my opinion'...and that's all it would be, our individual personal opinions.
Back to the $1400 OP receives, that roughly per the laws of my state suggest ex's income is $50,000ish a year. Ok. So how many of us sitting here reading really believes that OP's ex who is 'president of a successful construction company' doing multi state government contracts is only making $50,000ish a year? Does anyone here think OP should be sending a big bag of food along with the kids when they do there 40% of the time with dad? Some seem to think she should send all needed clothing in the name of Dad pays his CS and 'that's what CS is for'. So ok, if CS is for basic needs such as clothing, shelter and food, how come no one here is demanding that greedy ol' OP (rolls eyes) isn't supplying food for the 40% at Dad's house. The kids need it and are the ones eating it, right? H*ll, why stop there? Kids use toothpaste at Dad's too, should CP supply the toothpaste?
IMO, some of the ladies here take the 'but that's what CS is for' to an extreme, bordering on unrealistic interpretation of the law and guidelines. This isn't a topic that is a pro-SM/anti-BM or pro-BM/anti-SM issue...this topic is one that is determined by state law. guidelines and COs. Why in the h*ll is this OP being kicked around for standing up for the well being of her children's rights. This lady has let a whole lot slide, willingly and without complaint. But it's time for a few adjustments and calling this lady greedy and not being 'fair' to her ex is mind boggling to me.
I'm not going to sit here and google and read every state's guidelines and cross it with actual state law language the guideline is based on, but can anyone here goig on about being disgusted and/or how greedy CPs are, can you point me to a link for the actual worded language in your state that definitely states "CS is meant for CP to supply all clothing to the NCP's home for the children's use"? Please don't waste yours or my own time by supplying a link stating CS can be used for clothing.