Why are you allowing yourself to be ignored?
I have read on here about people accepting the separation of your husband and SC ie your happy to allow your husbands to have a separate life with his kids grand kids. Is that really healthy and can it work to a happy marriage when your supposed best friend has a part of his life your not included in? For instance if he is a grand dad and wants to tell you funny cute stories about his GK does it not cut a hole in your heart to know you will never see him interacting with them?
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Fabulous way to look at it -
Fabulous way to look at it - i will try
"your happy to allow your
"your happy to allow your husbands to have a separate life with his kids grand kids"
Actually IMO 'separate life" is probably pushing the outer limits of the terminology of what the majority of any grandparent spends with a grandchild. It's not like the participating grandparent is literally living two separate lives. Does the grandparent see the grandchild daily? Weekly? If a grandparent has one afternoon a week (if that) for several hours having lunch and bouncing a grandkid on their knee without a step-grandparent being present I wouldn't think it qualifies as 'separate life' and unhealthy or unhappy marriage maker. It sure wouldn't cut a hole in my heart.
Yeah I suppose DH and I are best friends, but it doesn't mean we're tied at the hip and we're incapable of being happy because we don't share every 24/7 365 together. Reality says DH goes fishing without me and I go afternoon lunches with female friends without him. Does it mean it's unhealthy and spoils our marriage happiness? You also went off to work everyday for many many years (now retired), I can't say not sharing his working hours with him or listening to 'stories' occurring during his workday 'cut a hole in my heart' because I wasn't a part of it.
I think if you, yourself desire your marriage to remain healthy and happy you'll need to put a different perspective on how you're viewing your husband's relationship with his grandchild/children. You didn't mention much 'for example', but no hearing a cute story I'm not going to ever witness isn't going to rip my heart to pieces. I'd think more along the lines of when he rattles when my DH rattles one of his 'cute' moments from his fishing buddy stories 'oh, that's nice honey, glad you had a good time'. Honestly, I just don't give it all that much space in my head.
Its a part of your life you
Its a part of your life you are missing out of being shut out of. I guess if its your choice thats different but to be told you cant go to see your husbands grandchild is very hurtful and not share a very special moment in his life. To me thats what families and a marriage is all about, sharing experiences. Obv we have our separate friends lives etc thats our choice. We are not told by anybody else what we can and cant do who we can and cant be friends with but in this situation it seems a constant power struggle and it makes you feel like you've been trampled over most of the time. If I had a friend who wouldn't let me invite my husband over I wouldn't be that persons friend.
The difference is your
The difference is your husband had these children pre-meeting you and you've had 13yrs for DH to change how he handles his children and set boundaries. Your husband choose not to. You're living the 'life' (role) your husband choose for you to play in all this. He chose to not defend you. Not to set boundaries and expectations. Exactly what do you keep expecting to happen and/or change now. Thirteen yrs later. The damage and irreversible repair has been done and set in stone. You've not went into much back history as to why these daughters reject you so. You've also not stated as to why your husband feels it's ok to jump and exclude when the little darlings say to.
What ever has happened and for whatever reason it has occurred, your husband is more at fault than these skids are. If your husband hasn't found his way in all this in 13yrs of marriage by now, why are you letting it all still affect you? What do you really think is going to change now after all this time. For you it's been what it is for years. You've stayed. You've accepted it. Perhaps it all just a bit too much 'victim' playing for me to understand why a wedding for a skid and cute baby grandchild stories are such a big deal now. Why wasn't something do many years ago? Why have you stayed in a relationship you feel so excluded and hurt in?
I would never let anybody
I would never let anybody disrespect or ignore anybody I loved thats my point
Thankyou - I know I have to
Thankyou - I know I have to accept it or leave as he just isnt capable of standing up to them. Some will view that as a weakness but I know its because he is a kind and gentle man and doesn't want to hurt anybody. The sad fact is tho he ends up hurting everybody.
SLTJ - I feel for you. I'm
SLTJ - I feel for you. I'm not looking forward to SD having children. We still have to get through the wedding. I understand your view and I hope and pray it works out for you, but as you can see from the responses here, it's very difficult and often impossible. Keep in mind however, that there are step families outside of this site that are somewhat successful. I learn so much from others here...what works, what doesn't work and most importantly, that we are NOT ALONE. I already have Grandkids from my bio children. My children treat my husband with love and respect. His only child does ok but there is tension. We both believe that this is primarily due to DH's family. I call them the clan. My DH calls his DD weekly and we see her probably 1x per month,BUT NEVER with any of the clan. It kinda gets her out of her game if you know what I mean. Hang it there. And do set boundaries. Boundaries equal love. Be realistic about setting yours and define how your relationships and interactions will occur, keeping in mind, SKs are the wild cards!
Thanks everybody i really
Thanks everybody i really appreciate it - I think the main thing Ive learned is we are all different and can or cant cope with different things. Doesn't make anybody a bad person if they cant cope with something which is how it makes me feel. I want to feel different I want to be able to let it wash over me but it does hurt me very much.
I feel bad for those kids who
I feel bad for those kids who have a broken family but it seems that nowadays it is just normal. Well, if we will think about the situation of a complete family but parents are keep on quarreling all the time so then it is better to be separated that having a miserable life.
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Wow! thats me told yes you
Wow! thats me told
yes you have totally understood the situation and you are right I need to accept the situation as it is or get out. Trouble is I'm trying my best to cope with it but don't really want that life for myself but then like other people have said maybe time to focus on what i do have rather than give up because of what I don't.
We went for counseling years ago and they basically said he needed to sort it when she was younger or it would get out of hand - but he didnt and so we are in this mess but it feels like im the one suffering and being made to except a situation i said i would never do. Thankyou
You left once, but came back.
You left once, but came back. You didn't take your son with you when you did leave. I can't help think at that time you were trying to force your husband hand (get me accepted/included or I'm gone type action). I don't know why you thought he'd take you seriously considering you left your son behind. And it didn't 'work', you went back in a few weeks.
I recommend counseling also, but for you not marriage counseling. You need to sort your feelings out and discover what it is that will be best for you. The happy extended 'family' you desire (DH, you, kid and grandbabies with big holiday dinners and happy laughter surrounding you) will come when your joint son marries and the joint grandchildren start arriving. It's not an impossible dream. It is a reality that will come...the time just is not now and the people you desire to have that with, well, he's only 13 so it's a bit in the future still.
But if it is right now, with stepkids who are determined to exclude you and a husband who will not cut them out of his life for you...then yes, if you can't accept the present reality, it's time to leave. Leave for real this time. Only you know what would be best for you. If you're going to feel unhappy, resentful and a miserable heart then the best interest of you is leaving. It is what it is and DH and Sds are not going to change.
I can tell from your posting around here this morning that you do finally 'see' and understand what we've all been trying to say to you. But only you know what you can and can not accept and live happy with.
Thankyou I didnt leave my son
Thankyou I didnt leave my son behind we live in rural France I was literally a 5 mins bike ride from him I would never ever be far away from my son. I also have a 24 year old daughter and 22 year old son who are brilliant children and I brought them up to be always respectful of my husband even when sometimes he was in the wrong. My problem facing the future is in the past he couldn't be a family with us as it made him feel guilty about his own children and i worry that this will continue on to our grandchildren. When my daughter has a child he would we would all want him to play a part to be a grand father but I worry if he doesn't feel he is playing that part to his own GC he once again will distance himself and everything start all over again. This is where my separate family question came in as I fear this will happen.
Does your husband WANT to
Does your husband WANT to play the granddad to your grandkids. Just because you and your daughter want that it doesn't mean he will.
My SKs and DF would love for me to play grandma to their future kids. It's not going to happen. There will be a huge difference in he way I treat my bio grands and stepgrands.
Yes he says he does - we are
Yes he says he does - we are both family orientated which is probably why I find it hard. My children have an amazing relationship with their grandparents and I guess thats what i want for my grandchildren. My daughter just wants to see me happy - wish all kids where like that.