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to go or not to go - update

SteelRose's picture

Submitted by SteelRose on Tue, 08/27/2013 - 4:37pm

So now it's not just dh, me, ss16 and potentially bs15 going to the birthday party, now ss19 wants to go too. He is leaving for jobcorps and this might be the last family function he gets to be at for a year or so. I am not against him going but now with him in the car there is no room for bs15 and also now as of this morning bs18 is coming home for the weekend as well b/c grandma bought him a bus ticket home for labor day functions for Monday, so now I want to spend Sunday with both my bsons and just let DH and ssons go to the b'day party, BUUT DH wants me to come with him and ssons. UHG. What to do?????????

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SteelRose's picture

Submitted by SteelRose on Tue, 08/27/2013 - 5:03pm

I certainly don't want to be stuck in a car with ss19 for 4 hours and sit at a family function for 4 hours with ss16 or ss19. I know I am being selfish and will likely end up going just to keep dh happy b/c his mom is expecting me to be there. Also we'd take my car which is the nicer and better running car and I'd pay for the gas and ferry. So why am I going to DH's family function? To pick up the tab as usual and don't forget to buy a gift steelrose b/c that will make us all look good.

BLLLLLAAAAAKKKKK :sick:

noidea1010's picture

Submitted by noidea1010 on Tue, 08/27/2013 - 5:15pm

Wait, wait, wait.

HIS family function, should mean HE pays for gas and ferry. Not to mention gift. Don't get the gift, he can get it himself. It makes HIM look bad to not show up with one. I speak as a GF who has the better car and usually ends up paying for gas as well. At least I did, until I started pointing out it wasn't fair that I footed the cost to go to HIS family affairs.

I have to admit, my first thought was "Why can't you all go?" After seeing the second post, I can see why. I took some great advice from here recently on a camping trip for my SO's family. If he wants you to go as a guest, but can't afford to take you, then he shouldn't be taking you.

Aeron's picture

Submitted by Aeron on Tue, 08/27/2013 - 8:56pm

Rose, why is DH's happiness more important to you than your own?

After all the BS with the dog, after him flipping out about SS Having to go to the old high school even though you can't afford it, after the burner phone and the endless lies... why is keeping Him happy your priority? Why isn't making yourself happy your priority? Why Isn't sending time with Your sons your priority?

You say you'll be miserable and picking up the tab. So you're not only going to miss out on time with your kids, but you're going to be the one paying to inflict this misy on yourself because DH wants something. Because MIL is expecting you. She can adjust her expectations - call her and tell her your son came into town, you'll see he next time. And DH hasn't been particularly accommodating to any of your wants (or needs) recently, so why pay to make yourself miserable just because he has a desire? He'll get over it.

Willow2010's picture

Submitted by Willow2010 on Wed, 08/28/2013 - 7:30am

Wait..wait wait.

Girl please think of YOU and YOUR kids! Screw DH if he gets mad because you won't go. He knows you are going to cave to his will, because that is what you almost ALWAYS do. STOP IT! lol

You need to retrain him. This is the way I see it...you spoilt the crap out of DH while he was sick...(I would have done the same) BUT...now he expects you to keep it up.

Take a stand. If you REALLY don't want to go then just tell him that you need to spend time with YOUR kids and it will be great for him to spend time with his kids.

If he gets mad...so be it.

EDIT TO ADD... I just read the other responses and Aeron said it perfect!!

SteelRose's picture

Submitted by SteelRose on Wed, 08/28/2013 - 8:46am

Thanks everyone. I think the reason why I am on the fence about this is b/c I am a people pleaser. I have always been like that, from way back when my dad was a minister and mom always volunteering me out for church duties, to my xh and his needs only to have him selfishly kick me out of my home and change the locks and take my kids away from me (I fought and won back full custody) to now. I think it's an acceptance thing. But I have to say that I will have to draw the line here with this event b/c there is no way I want to spend the day with two teen boys who HATE me over spending the day with my own two boys. I KNOW my boys would forgive me and love me unconditionally if I went, no worries there cuz they respect my marriage to DH, but I am almost certain my ssons will never thank me or even love me for going and being by their dad's side and giving their cousin a gift. Nope, it's gotten to the point of being a no brainer for me. Thanks for being my sounding board.