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Steptalkers please ralley around me. My own mom says the cheating is my fault.

newbiestepmom25's picture

Submitted by newbiestepmom25 on Tue, 08/27/2013 - 8:31am

After finding DH on a dating website I cried my eyes out all last night. I called in sick this morning and I read all of your comments and hear all of your voices swirling around in my head. I will need you guys on my journey to find my self worth and to heal. I hope even after my divorce ( I'm not taking his ass back) you guys will still let me post here even just abou O/T stupid crap. I reallly love all of you guys you are a great support system. Last night DH blew up my phone trying to apologize and get his lies together. He actually tried saying I just made myself see that but he wasn't on that site. I would go back and recheck but I'm not stupid and will save myself the pain. After the third call from him my dad said he "accidently" dropped my phone into the kitchenn sink full of water. I know he just is protecting me from myself getting weak and buying DH's crap.

I called my mom for support and she told me its my fault for taking the promotion and not being around enough to fuffil DH's needs. She told me to stop crying because crying never changes anything and to go get DH back and show him I can be a better wife. My SM however said and I qoute " You are worth more that that loser your a diomand, Diamonds and cow shit don't match, dont make me have to hang his meat in my frezzer". She sat on my bed and just let me cry on her bossom and she told me her story. She was 37 when she met my dad before that she spent 13 years of her life with her worst mistake. He put her down, verbally abused her, cheated, he lied but she kept hoping one day he would see how good he had it and would treat her right. She tried to give him a kid not because she wanted one but because he did big mistake. After her 2nd misscarage he just up and left her. He spit in her face and told her she wasn't a woman. My dad was her co-worker and best friend. She told him what happened and my dad was a real gentelmen he didn't go in for the easy lay with the vunerable girl he was just a great friend. And after 3 years of being friends they got married. She had to go through alot of frogs and some toads to find her prince. She told me I'm young and to take the time to find myself and being alone can be great and being indepent makes you feel so good about yourself. I don't need a man in my life right now.

DH tried calling the house phone but my dad answered and said the next time the phone rings he will track him down and beat the livng dog shit out of him and to leave his daughter alone. I got an eamil from DH this morning saying I'm going crazy he wasn't even on a dating website it was just a pop up. Yeah a pop up with his profile.

I love you guys and I would appreciate you guys just sticking by my side through all of this.

Comments

overwhelmed_4's picture

Submitted by overwhelmed_4 on Tue, 08/27/2013 - 8:41am

First of all, I am so sorry that you are having to go through such a tough time. Don't listen at all to what your Mom said! Apparently you are a strong woman that can take care of yourself. If your Dh cant handle that fact and your promotion is that threatening to him then its his loss not yours. My exh cheated a lot and told me I wasn't there for him like a wife should be. Even if we aren't at their beck and call it gives them no right to step out on the marriage! Your stepmom sounds like a great woman and you are lucky to have her in your life. Stay strong and take care of yourself without having to worry about how DH wants to bring you back down.

grow-a-nut's picture

Submitted by grow-a-nut on Tue, 08/27/2013 - 8:41am

I don't post often but I have read here for a couple years plus. I left my hubs in December last year. Since then I have been on my own and I have never been happier.

Your SM is totally correct! You are a diamond and he doesn't deserve you. HUGS!

Aeron's picture

Submitted by Aeron on Tue, 08/27/2013 - 8:45am

We're here for you sweetie. Don't listen to your mother, cheating is the fault of the Cheater. If it was about unfulfilled needs, or you being a subpar wife (which is a bunch of horseshit) then StupidassH as an adult has the ability to go "hey, I need xyz, can we work on that?" They don't go out looking for tail elsewhere. Stupid bastard. ((((Hugs))))

overworkedmom's picture

Submitted by overworkedmom on Tue, 08/27/2013 - 8:47am

I personally want to punch your mom right now. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT!! Your husband was not supporting YOU. Your husband was not there for YOU. You were doing your best to provide for your family because he couldn't! Tell your mom to F off.

I love your Stepmom BTW. You are a diamond.

amackeral's picture

Submitted by amackeral on Tue, 08/27/2013 - 8:52am

^^^THIS! Couldn't have said it better myself. Your hubby doesn't deserve you and your mom...just wow...I'd give her the cold shoulder for a while. I can't believe she would say that to you, she should be supporting you. Thank God you have your dad and SM in your corner!

JMC's picture

Submitted by JMC on Tue, 08/27/2013 - 8:57am

Wow, that's a low blow coming from your own mother. She's way off base, her mother instinct is really screwed. I'm with Overworked, I'd like to punch her too, and maybe join your dad in beating the snot out of your DH.

Your promotion is obviously something you worked for and deserved, and instead of cutting you down for it, both your DH and your mother should be proud of you. Sounds like a lot of jealousy on your mother's part and major insecurity on your DH's. A real man would be supportive and happy for his wife's accomplishments, not putting her down.

Your SM sounds like a peach, and your dad too. This is the kind of people you need in your life, those who support and love you. Stay strong, we're all here for you.

Jsmom's picture

Submitted by Jsmom on Tue, 08/27/2013 - 9:08am

Ignore your BM, Hug your dad and embrace the fact that you got a wonderful SM. Stop any communication from DH and contact a lawyer....

Keep coming on to the board...It will help you see that you did the right thing, kicking his ass to the curb....

herewegoagain's picture

Submitted by herewegoagain on Tue, 08/27/2013 - 9:15am

You have a shitty mother just like my mother and another mother that I heard about here recently...where do they come from? Freaking unbelievable.

HUGS! Get rid of your mother, as well as your husband.

Onefootout's picture

Submitted by Onefootout on Tue, 08/27/2013 - 9:18am

That's gotta be tough coming from your own mother. Well, she is who she is, and I'm not sure she has your best interests in mind. That's a terrible and frankly, abusive thing to say to your own daughter. My dad can be a jerk but he would never say something that horrible to me, he is always in my corner. And if a man cheated on me, my mom wouldn't be able to be near him for fear of landing herself in jail.

Accept your mom's limitations and listen to your SM and your Dad.

I know it'll be the hardest thing to leave your husband. Believe me, I understand how hard it is. Stay strong, even warn your SM and Dad that you may need their help in staying strong enough to leave him. Please rely on your loved ones for strength. And maybe minimize your contact with your Mom. Let her calls go to voicemail for a while. You can still love your Mom, accept her for who she is, and at the same time protect yourself from her destructive behavior.

You are way too good for this loser. He's going to try hard now to get you back because he knows you are probably the best he's ever gonna get, too bad for him. he'll use every trick in the book. I'm glad your Dad and SM are backing you on this.

We're all here for you!

kathc's picture

Submitted by kathc on Tue, 08/27/2013 - 9:18am

WOW! I'm with the others, your mother is an ass. Don't listen to her toxic crap, she wants you to be a doormat! I'm so glad you have your SM, she sounds like a wonderful woman and she is completely right! And kudos to your dad for taking a stand and protecting you!

dragonfly5's picture

Submitted by dragonfly5 on Tue, 08/27/2013 - 9:33am

You and I have the same mother, for that I am sorry. I knew along time ago I was going to be my daughters mom, and I am. Not by just birth but by actions. Your mother is unhappy, angry, and toxic.

I am glad you have your SM to tell you how wonderful you are and you have support thru this very difficult time.

He is a cheater, this is all on him. His lack of moral integrity is your issue? That is ridiculous.

We are here ready to listen, and I am sending you a hug now.

Take care of you!

Carley's picture

Submitted by Carley on Tue, 08/27/2013 - 9:45am

It is not the wife's fault the husband cheats. Your mom is just ignorant. It's awful how those words just stick in your head like that. So just consider the source when taking advice from people you think you know. Maybe your mom is a mistress and said that to justify her own affair. Maybe she blames herelef for losing your dad. The important thing is, what advice would you give yourself in this situation?

I know you just started going through this and you are very emotional right now, but you need to be strong even if you don't feel strong. Your DH is trying to gaslight you & tell you that you didn't see what you actually saw with your own eyes. He is making you doubt and second guess yourself. You probably should have waited and played private investigator before you confronted him, because now he can delete accounts and emails like they never existed.

He will try to honeymoon you back and then it will start all over again. Except the next time will hurt 1000x worse than this.

The problem is that you love him and have so much invested in him, but consider this also,, do you want to spend the rest of your life keeping an eye on him? The cheating will not stop even if you stay and be the best wife ever. You know that right?

There are men who will treat you better. You don't have to drag yourself down for DH out of love and loyalty and commitment. If he is no good for you then you can always do better. There is hope for you, only you have to believe in it. Believe in yourself.

newbiestepmom25's picture

Submitted by newbiestepmom25 on Tue, 08/27/2013 - 10:08am

um rickyticky you just raised my parinioa level to the tenth degree. Everything you said could poissibly be true. And I would do anything for hm not to get primary custody. I'm am freaking out just a tad bit.

newbiestepmom25's picture

Submitted by newbiestepmom25 on Tue, 08/27/2013 - 10:11am

Thank you all so much for being here for me. I'm breathing now. One day at a time. I go from pissed off and hurt to heart broken and then I just read your post and comments with baby bouncing on my lap and I know I will be ok.

newbiestepmom25's picture

Submitted by newbiestepmom25 on Tue, 08/27/2013 - 10:27am

Thanks echo. My SM sends a hug your way too. And she said echo is a pretty name but I told her I think that is just your screenname lol. your response was full of wisdom. I am going to re-read it. Thank you.

As for my mom ugh its not even worth questioning her logic.

princessmofo's picture

Submitted by princessmofo on Tue, 08/27/2013 - 10:20am

I am so sorry. ((hugs)) You're mom is wrong... dead wrong about this. Hang in there. Thinking of you.

twoviewpoints's picture

Submitted by twoviewpoints on Tue, 08/27/2013 - 12:02pm

You're SM is a gem. She's also given you some real good advice. I'm glad she's there for you.

Your Mom on the other hand, :jawdrop: WTF. With a mother handing out advice like that, you sure need no enemies. Your Mom is wrong wrong wrong. Mom might mean well and she really might be giving you the advice she herself would do in your situation... but she's dead wrong on what she said and what she told you to do. I'm proud for you and your promotion. If keeping a man 'happy' means you have to hold yourself back and be a fraction of the woman you really are and have the ability to be, that man isn't worth having or keeping.

Delilah's picture

Submitted by Delilah on Tue, 08/27/2013 - 12:35pm

It sounds to me, that there are several extremely dysfunctional parasites family members surrounding you i.e. DH and your BM. To use your promotion as a means to pin the blame on you for your DH infidelity is cruel and ignorant, it's likely there is an element of envy seeping into and colouring your mother's advice. Please do ignore your mother, and frankly I think you need to stop seeking any support from her, as all she is going to do is rub salt into your wounds and make your second guess your role in your marriage.

It doesn't matter if you are working long hours and finding it difficult to juggle work with home life (not saying you are mind you) but that does NOT give any man the right to cheat. I think the signs were there for some time, as I did read your posts regarding your massive blow up when you got your promotion, the conversation about the second baby and what he said/did. You had every right to reconsider your marriage right there if you ask me.

What your DH's behaviour tells me, is that it IS likely he has been screwing other people behind your back. Staying over in hotels? Yeah ok (insert eyeroll). It appears to me, that your DH is feeling threatened by your career success, this in turn has likely increased your self worth, confidence and self esteem. This may mean your behaviour has changed for the better - you may not put up with things you did and stand up for yourself more because you are not as vulnerable and emotionally fractured as you were when you were dating (you mention you did not feel secure because of your previous relationship experiences). Men like your DH appear to pray on vulnerable, potentially malleable women so they suck them in, control them, pray on them and when that woman changes for the better instead of being happy for them these men begin to feel threatened that their control over their woman is slipping. This damages their ego and they look to inflate it elsewhere. When their *real* personality is uncovered or the mask slips, they will threaten, use fear to attempt to regain control and use misdirection to divert the attention from the real problem - their lies. In the case of your promotion and that argument - DH cruelly flung the fact he didn't want a second child to cause an argument so he could creep off and cheat. This time he got caught and he is using threats to scare you into backing down - in this case, getting primary custody of your DS. No doubt the threats will escalate.

Be prepared and please get legal advice NOW. Information is power and you need to start gathering evidence of his adultery, check the computer history, check the site for his profile and take a screen shot now before he erases it, recruit friends and family if necessary. Ring the hotel(s) he has been staying at and check whether the reservation was for a single individual or not. If necessary, get a PI. Ensure you are armed with facts and legal information, as that will be the basis of strength for your case.

I know your heart is breaking, but do not let this guy bully you and get you thinking this is your fault or you did not see the site correctly. Your SM is right, its sad but you are young and it is better you find out the truth now before he duped you further or you had a second child together.

Hugs and take care of yourself!

misSTEP's picture

Submitted by misSTEP on Wed, 08/28/2013 - 1:07pm

Lots of stories about unsupportive moms on this site recently.

Listen to your dad and SM. They seem to know the TRUE story. Your mom is stuck in the world of the 1950s, sounds like.

Starla's picture

Submitted by Starla on Wed, 08/28/2013 - 11:40pm

Your mom is exactly like my mom..full of egotistic bull s*** and you CAN'T listen to her. If you have a sad situation then hers was devastating, if your marriage didn't work its bc you didn't put out {enough sex}, if you are having a bad hair day well she is losing all of her hair, and on. I have been there and learned from others here that she is not worth it, keep your space from her, quit telling her anything other then how the weather has been, and remind yourself that she is just crazy and you can't trust her.

As for the soon to be ex DH, I agree with the others. What a jerk, you can do far better and keep moving forward.