DH is driving me nuts!!!
I am a SAHM to DD1 and SS9. I also work for family business from the house. At the beginning of the summer, BM decided to let DH keep SS for at least 1 school year, perhaps even for the forseeable future. This has never happened before. DH has never had to take care of SS for more than 1 day by himself, I've always been there to help him. He was so happy that SS will be living with us now. He also promised that he would spend more time with us and that he would do that majority of the parenting of SS when he was home. Well fast forward 2 months and I am still doing everything, chore wise inside the house, as well as all the cooking, cleaning and laundry. SS does have a few chores that he has to do everyday, which does help but other than that, I am pretty much responsible for everything, including 95% of the parenting and caring for both kids. I am getting very frustrated. I've tried to talk to DH many times, but I just end up crying and it doesn't usually go anywhere. DH works a normal 8-5 job that is physical in nature. When he comes home, most of the time, he does and does work on our house for at least a couple hours every night, which leaves me to clean up after dinner, baths and watching both kids once again. When he is home, he wants to "relax" on he computer playing stupid games and/or watching youtube videos. I am so fed up. He shows no interest in parenting. Yes he loves the kids, but it is evident that he does not enjoy being with them for more than a few minutes. I know my responsibilities as a SAHM, but I think we should be sharing the childcare load when he is home. I'm feeling very resentful, that he has just plopped another kid into my plate. He gets to tell everyone that he has his son full-time, yet I do 95% of raising him, throughout the week and weekend. It just makes me sad when I see other fathers interacting with their kids, bringing them places, talking to them, etc. DH does nothing of the sort unless I make him. Even then, I can tell his mind is on other things, and not enjoying his kids. I tear up even writing this. It isn't supposed to be like this...
I don't know what his problem is. BTW, he's not worried about money, that's not why he works so much. We are in no way loaded, but we have more than enough to support us.
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BTW SS9 is a sweetheart, but
BTW SS9 is a sweetheart, but his BM is a joke and he has no discipline. He also has ADHD and ADD. Taking care of him is a full time job in itself.
Leave. If you are there, he
Leave. If you are there, he will fall back on you. He feels it is your job - he works you raise kids (& remember some of us would love that option). But people are by nature lazy & Dads parent much differently then moms. Leave your errands for the end of the day & go alone. Imagine a unaccompanied trip to the grocery store. Take me time. Go to the mall, a class, nail salon, etc. If you are not there he has to step up.
Why does everyone always
Why does everyone always suggest leaving?? What happened to marital vows??
OP, I was a SAHM for many, many years...to 5 kids. It was crazy. I went to school and did volunteer work with numerous organizations, so I was always super busy. I did everything at home. All the housework, cooking, parenting, etc. It was really hard, but he worked long hours and that was his contribution.
In reading your blog carefully, it sounds like what is really bothering/hurting you isn't that he isn't doing a load of laundry or running a vacuum cleaner occasionally. It sounds like what you really want is for him to be an involved parent, as dialed in to the kids as you are. You want him to want to spend time with them and to enjoy them. You want him to be a fully functioning partner in parenting.
And he's not. He likely views his role as the financial provider. To him, that is all encompassing. (You also say his job is physical in nature, so it's possible he's physically tired, too.) Has he always been "tuned out" to his kids and parenting? Is this a new thing? A new thing may indicate that he's depressed or something is bothering him. If he's always been like this...well, then you had a baby with a man who isn't interested in being an active parent.
Sorry. I know what this feels like. Ultimately, my XH has no interest in being an active parent. When he wasn't working, he was GLUED to the computer, mostly WoW. I had my children knowing I would be the only "parent."
Otter, You got it exactly. He
Otter,
You got it exactly. He views himself as the "breadwinner" and that is all. He completely throws himself into his work and our renovation work. Btw, we bought an old fixer upper. We both knew it was going to be work, but its been almost a year in the making. He keeps adding "projects" to do with the house. It is completely liveable now but he just keeps wanting it to be better. No, I do not expect him to do laundry or cook or clean, but if he would just make a meal every once in a while or offer to do dishes, I would be happy as a clam. I love him very much and I know he loves me but we are definitely not on the same page. It's just weird, because he is a pretty good husband, but seems like he has no idea how to be a dad. He did have a rough childhood but that was what lured me into being with him because he wanted so badly to have a family, to love and be loved. He wanted to have kids with me and whenever we had visits with SS, he had me convinced that he was a great dad. This "tuning out" has only started since DD1 was born. Ever since then, he's always had to be renovating, to "get the house ready for her". Looking back it seems like it was just his escape from parenting duties. Yes I knew DH was really into his computer games, but I thought he would have grown out of it by now...
They never grow up. So, your
They never grow up.
So, your DH works a physical job full time and then works a couple of hours on the house every day. He is likely very tired. I know I would be!
I also think that you *might* have a little luck if you ask him to help you with something... finishing cooking together. If you've got dinner ready when he gets home, clean the dishes together after your meal. Put DD in a bouncy seat nearby and do the dishes together. Talk about your days, what happened, etc. You could have a double bonus...help with cleaning up AND some quality time together.
And... just throwing this out there, many men don't really get the parenting thing with babies. They tend to like them when they're a little older and more "kid" like. Babies can be kinda scary/mysterious to the menfolk. Lol