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I can't fake emotions for SS anymore

New_to_this's picture

SS14 came over for the week and of course my mood immediately sours. I'm in no way mean, but I'm definitely not happy and upbeat. DH asked me what was wrong about 15 minutes after he walked in the door. DH apparently thought I was pissed off about something specific to which I said I was not (I am just generally annoyed at the sight and sound of SS as he always immediately walks in and does stuff that annoys me). So, DH says that he hopes SS doesn't catch on that I'm not happy when he's here.

I can't seem to tell DH enough the reasons why the sight of SS annoys me. There are so many reasons, but like almost everyone else here, it's mainly a DH problem. Here are some of my current annoyances:

1) Homework now done in my space - DH started taking SS to a new psychiatrist and psychologist. Great! But this psychologist has told DH that SS14,with his ADHD, is really at the mental functioning of an 8 year old, so DH should not expect anything more than 8 year old behavior from him. So now, DH has decided that he he needs to supervise his high school child's homework every evening, which means instead of me not having to see him while he plays video games in the basement all night and (not) do homework at his own desk, I'm going to have to watch him (not) doing homework in my dining room and listen to an exasperated DH do his homework for him every night. Most likely it'll take hours to do work that should only take minutes, as that's how SS works.

2) No more chores for SS - Since SD18 left our home for college during the summer, SS has no longer been required to do household chores. It's actually better for me, because SS would just do a crappy job which I would redo and seeth, so I'd rather just load and unload the dishwasher myself. But, now all of his chores that he gets paid for are things like doing homework (which will require complete supervision from DH every night) and doing his own laundry (which he doesn't do until DH tells him he stinks in his clothes). He doesn't help the household at all and is just a drain.

3) DH spending less time with DS3 - I'm not only a SAHM, but I also feel like a single mom because DH chooses to spend his time with SS and leaves DS with me all the time. Maybe DH is feeling guilt and sadness that his eldest is off at college, but whatever the reason, he has decided that he needs to spend a bunch of time with SS. Since SS refuses to hang out with the entire family or do things age appropriate for everyone, DH does things with SS alone. Add to that, all the time he spends disciplining/supervising SS and he has no time to help me with DS.

4) Off-weeks aren't really off - It would be nice if I had DH to help me out during the weeks we supposedly don't have the skids, but DH is always doing something for them or going to their events on off-weeks too. SD is super clingy and needy, so even though she has been at college for a couple months, she still texts or calls DH all day with "issues" she can't solve, which he then spends an hour or more a night working on then she skypes with DH every single night. Plus, SS calls DH on off-weeks all the time to complain about greivances against BM and everytime, DH tells him to just listen to his mother. But, DH takes the call every...single...time. I don't remember a single day in which DH didn't have to put out some sort of fire for the skids even though it should not be his responsibility half the time for SS and SD is a freakin adult.

5) I stupidly reengaged - SS is obese and finally, at a physical, a doctor reprimanded SS (more than his parents have ever done about his weight). Since that happened, I thought I could light a fire under DH's ass to actually work on the reasons why he's obese and help him with nutrition with my assistance. So, I researched and talked to DH for two weeks about it. But...Nope! Same old, same old. DH doesn't say or do anything to SS and it's me who gets death stares from SS because I talk about nutrition, portion size, and prepare healthy foods. No More! I don't see DH dealing with it, so why should I.

6) Car capacity issues that are not my issue - DH has driven the same sedan since I've known him. It's a compact/mid-size. I also owned a similar vehicle when I met him, but 5 years ago when I needed to replace it, I got an SUV. DH gave me sh*t about it because he wondered why I needed a car so big for myself, yet as soon as I bought it, we took every single car trip to visit his family 2000 miles round trip with my SUV. Every...single...effing...trip, which amounted to sometimes 3 times a year to see his family was in my SUV. And for the past 3 years (since DS was born) SD, and SS have been hounding about needing a minivan. DH has been wanting to placate to SD and SS's whines, but he doesn't want to replace his car.

But now, I'm pregnant again. So, instead of 5 people in a car, it'll be 6. I was ok with trading my SUV in for a minivan at first, but then when I told DH that a minivan is really large and I don't know if I want to drive one all the time with just two small kids, he told me that I'd have to drive the minivan because he was not going to commute in one, nor was he trading in his car. WTF! It's his effing kids who don't have room in the car and he's the one who wants the minivan. His kids are overweight and obese. He's the one who has family 1000 miles away whom he needs to see at least once a year. He's the one that wants to continue taking his now adult (18 years old) kid to see grandparents and other family. Why is it on me to drive a minivan?! especially when there are so few occasions when we need one and all those occasions are for his kids. (Note: We solved this by getting a 3rd car - an old minivan with lots of miles already on it, just for those occasions. But DH was fighting me on it, when he had no basis to.)

Comments

beebeel's picture

Since when did ADHD cause severe mental delays? Does the kid have other diagnosis because I can't understand why his therapist is saying he has the mental development of a kid 6 years younger just because of flipping adhd. 

So you know that this man is a terrible, awful, no good parent. His terrible parenting has produced an adult baby woman and a kid who presents severe mental retardation as a teen because he has never been held accountable or expected to do better. 

You feel like a single parent, which must be hard, but your kids will probably be better off considering his track record. Now, you need to decide if you would rather be single than feel single. Trust me, the first is much better.

New_to_this's picture

I was pretty pissed when I heard what the therapist said to DH. I get the feeling she was referring more to his behavior, decision-making skills, and impulsiveness, but DH took it as we treat him like he's 8. So, yeah, no real chores, no discipline, just let him get away with stuff that an 8 year old should get away with. It also means that SS has no responsibility to get his own homework done. It's now DH's responsibility to make sure he does it. In fact, both of them are sitting in the dining room right now doing his homework and coming up with a plan for the school year. It basically includes DH waking SS for school, not leaving for work until he makes sure SS is out of the house with all his homework, etc. Then, picking SS up from school and sitting with him and doing homework until dinner time or when he's done. This kid is 14 and in high school! It's nuts.

I won't say that DH is that terrible, but he's not winning any awards for parenting and is infinitely better at it than BM, which is super sad. BM is completely useless, so she is at fault for half of this.

susanm's picture

He doesn't seem to have learned from the mistakes he made in his first marriage and shot at fatherhood.  You may be able to get through to him if he is willing to listen to some hard truths or go to counseling but unless he is open to seeing it there is little reason for him to change.  You are pregnant now and have a small child.  Obviously you are invested and not in a position for major changes so you want the marriage to work.  I hope that you can find a way.  But I would suggest having at least part of your mind working on a practical level and considering that at some point in the coming years you may be a single parent with 2 children.  Use this time to increase your education with online school if you do not already have a degree and get back to work as soon as possible with a safety account being built that only you have knowledge of and access to.  That may sound cold but you owe it to your children to be objective.  If you can turn this around that is wonderful!  But you do not want to be 5 years down the road with your SS no closer to launching than he is now, your SD still completely dependent on your DH, and your resentment at a boiling point with no ability to do anything about it because you have no independent resources.

New_to_this's picture

I hear you. This is exactly what goes through my head every day. I used to be independent with a well paying job. I sacrificed a lot and given a lot to him and his kids. I am not planning on being a SAHM too many years longer. I feel a drive to work mainly because I need to feel less dependent on my husband.

Areyou's picture

DH also wanted me to buy a minivan to haul his kids around. He said he’s a not a minivan kind of guy and he didn’t like that they aren’t fuel efficient. Yet he wants ME to buy one with my own money? Even his father wanted me to buy one. So I bought a sport car instead.

Maxwell09's picture

This a thousand times! I’ve made it crystal diamond ice clear that once my carpool days are over and bs can sit up front (weight/height/age) my “mom” car days are over! Never getting an suv and never, ever a van. 

SteppedOut's picture

Is it with men thinking the woman should buy a "family vehicle" for THEIR kids?!?

My formerSO was the same. When I was starting to consider buying a new to me (gentlly used) CAR he kept trying to talk me into a BRAND NEW SUV. Not just any SUV, one that had a third row seat!

His son lived with us full time, but he had a daughter that ONLY visited if we were going to take her shopping and very very sometimes if we were going to take a trip. So he was trying to insist that if I bought a vehicle, it had to be one that had enough room in the event his daughter wanted to grace us with her royal presence.

Never mind I do NOT like driving big @ss vehicles, do NOT need one and the cost of a vehicle like that was about $20-30k more than I wanted to spend...

Seriously, why?

OP, I completely understand. I was expected to loooooove mean rude @ss formerSS...the only thing i felt was complete revulsion.

 

New_to_this's picture

Yeah, I don't get it at all. It's so hypocritical. But, I do think it's a male thing, which is so annoying. In fact, more than a few of my previous boyfriends had the same mentality when it just came to the two of us. I always had a compact 5 seater sedan, but I dated guys who would drive two seater sports cars, have no car, or motorcycles as their only vehicle. When you drive something like that, you are basically telling me that you expect to take my car for everything. Ugghh...so impractical!

New_to_this's picture

Just for my own reference, I'm adding what happened tonight during dinner in these comments. So I stupidly reengaged again (why do I do it?!) and got pissy with DH to which he responded that the way I talk to him makes him shut down. Fine, fair enough. But, I can no longer be a part of trying to get SS healthy and DH has to stop trying to get me involved.

So, SS barely eats dinner tonight. My mom came over earlier this week and she makes like 8 different courses every night for dinner, so I had a ton of different leftovers to finish up. We had stir-fried eggplant, grilled chicken breasts, chicken patties, chili with pasta, plain whole-grain pasta, quinoa and bean salad, and some other stir-fried greens. SS ate about a spoon size of a chicken patty and said he was full.

Then he tells DH that he needs to go to a friend's house to get some of his things that he bought that he can't keep here. DH had no clue what SS was getting at, so I explained it to him in front of SS. SS is using his allowance money to buy junk food, however, since he's no longer allowed junk food in our house, he is now keeping it at his friend's house to consume later. SS confirmed that I was correct about what was going on. Then, I briefly lectured SS on nutrition and that if he really wants to lose weight (he's the one who talks about wanting a diet) then he isn't doing himself any favors with his actions. He nods and quickly rushes to his friend's house, probably to consume half a dozen doughnuts or something. But, here's the kicker. DH says nothing, zilch, nada to SS before he leaves. So, I am livid and after SS is gone, I get pissy with DH. To which, DH responds that it's not SS's fault, it's his medication that is causing his compulsive eating. That not everyone is like me and has discipline and self-control. That he only gave SS five dollars and he won't be giving him more, so that's all the junk food he can buy for the week. That he can't force SS to eat at home, so he's powerless about it. And, that the way I'm bringing this up makes him shut down. Arggghhhh!!!! So, yeah. I told DH, I was done with it. I was never going to bring anything about nutrition up with SS again and I don't care what he eats. I know SS eats way more than he should. I know he steals food and binge eats. DH is blind and if he doesn't want to hear about it, fine. I'm out.