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I'm a terrible person.

LaMareOssa's picture

Submitted by LaMareOssa on Fri, 08/16/2013 - 3:38pm

I've been thinking a lot lately. I think I've figured something out and I feel awful for it. I think I'm a terrible person.

Since DH and I had DD7 and now DS4 I feel protective. Very protective of them, as any other mother out there would be. I feel protective of them because I KNOW SD doesn't like them around..especially DD7. SD doesn't like DD and no matter what anyone says, I SEE it. Not because I'm DD's mother, but because I can see the dislike and I've seen first hand the meanness and rudeness. I've gotten to the point where I don't let the kids play alone at all. I am always listening. I do this because I've seen SD "accidentally" hurt DD. I've seen SD hit DD when DD was very small.

I feel terrible because I've realized that I don't like SD. I really don't like her. It wasn't always this way. Before DH got custody I thought something like "Oh, poor thing. We'll get her and help her and show her how family life is. We'll show her guidance and support and love and consistency that she needs. We can make her life better."

I WAS WRONG! I wish I would have listened to others. Now, more than a year and a half later, I can't stand SD. I tried, I really did try to bond with her. Never tried to replace her mother, just wanted to be here for her. I was never too pushy, though. I know she doesn't like me. I've seen the ripped out journal entries that "accidentally" got left out for everyone to see. I've seen the dead stares she gives me. I can FEEL her dislike for me. I've seen her nasty texts about me to her BM's sister (SD's maternal aunt)

Now..Why I feel terrible. I feel terrible because I don't like her. I wish her mother would come get her. I feel terrible because I don't see SD as "an emotionally abused" child, I see her as someone who wants to hurt my children. I see her as someone who seems to enjoy hurting my husband. I see her as a vindictive and VERY VERY manipulative person, not as a child with issues.

This is why I'm a terrible person

Comments

LaMareOssa's picture

Submitted by LaMareOssa on Fri, 08/16/2013 - 3:46pm

LOL

hismineandours's picture

Submitted by hismineandours on Fri, 08/16/2013 - 3:52pm

So why would you like her under those circumstances?

You describe someone who has been mean to your children, physically hurting them. Someone that gives you death stares and talks badly about you to others. You aren't terrible for disliking her-just normal. If this person didn't happen to be your husband's daughter-you would make no apologies for disliking her.

LaMareOssa's picture

Submitted by LaMareOssa on Fri, 08/16/2013 - 4:13pm

I used to walk on egg shells around her, in fear of upsetting her and making her life more "miserable" I tried to keep her happy for the sake of DH. Not anymore. I will no longer tolerate her hatefulness and I think that is another reason why I feel bad. I feel like because I'm doing more to keep her attitude in check(which I SHOULD be doing) I'm making her more unhappy and I feel bad for DH because he loves SD and wants to see his daughter happy-even though he is fully aware of her issues and backs me 100% Ugh..I'm not making sense lol

LaMareOssa's picture

Submitted by LaMareOssa on Fri, 08/16/2013 - 3:56pm

She is very resentful that she doesn't get the same amount of attention. But this has been her choice. She likes to try to disengage from everyone here and then expect a pity party from DH when she is pouting :? I don't trust her at all.

Annoyed1's picture

Submitted by Annoyed1 on Fri, 08/16/2013 - 3:57pm

I am in your shoes that you were in a year and a half ago... "Oh, poor thing. We'll get her and help her and show her how family life is. We'll show her guidance and support and love and consistency that she needs. We can make her life better." except with SS's. Does it get worse after you get full custody? I am trying my best to support DH, but a part of me feels like I am going to regret the day he filed the court papers for full custody. Right now it's EOW and that's sometimes too much for me to handle. I figure, if we have them full time, it would be different. They would have structure, chores, sports to go to, etc. etc. Am I wrong?

LaMareOssa's picture

Submitted by LaMareOssa on Fri, 08/16/2013 - 4:02pm

Where I am right now in my life, my answer to you is No, it doesn't get easier. Yes, you're wrong Sad

I thought it would be easier if she had structure. It's not. She doesn't act out like a lot of the other Skids we hear about on this site. With my SD, it's more emotional. More passive aggressive and manipulative.

I'm sure your circumstances are much different than mine and everyone's family is different.

Annoyed1's picture

Submitted by Annoyed1 on Fri, 08/16/2013 - 4:10pm

I have that feeling in the pit of my stomach that it will be bad as well. It's not that they're bad boys and they do treat me with respect, but they are just entering their teens! On a lighter note, I am glad that he has boys and not girls!! I don't know how anyone can deal with SD's. Especially in their teens!!! Hope things get better for you Smile

lovedbyone72's picture

Submitted by lovedbyone72 on Fri, 08/16/2013 - 4:23pm

We have both said those same exact statements about SD as well. Now I'm slightly terrified of what will happen. My SD is the exact same. She mostly behaves, but she is very moody. If she doesn't get her way, she disengages from whomever she is playing with and tries to have her own pity party. She is 9 times out of 10 the own cause of her problems.

Elizabeth's picture

Submitted by Elizabeth on Fri, 08/16/2013 - 4:13pm

I don't think you're a bad person. I have a similar situation with SD20. I might have been able to maintain my "I don't like her but I can live with her" attitude if she hadn't set out on a deliberate campaign to be nasty to my two BDs (her half-sisters) almost as soon as they were born. SD was 10 when oldest BD was born and had two other half-sisters from her BM. SD threw a phone at BD's head when she was just a month or two old. SD tried to hit BD in the head with a doorknow when BD was about two months old. SD watched BD get her fingers slammed in a glass door and did nothing to help her while she screamed. So, I no longer have ANY warm and fuzzy feelings for SD20, quite the opposite.

LaMareOssa's picture

Submitted by LaMareOssa on Fri, 08/16/2013 - 4:14pm

" So, I no longer have ANY warm and fuzzy feelings for SD20, quite the opposite. "

My feelings as well.

EdgeOfReason's picture

Submitted by EdgeOfReason on Fri, 08/16/2013 - 4:13pm

How old is SD?

Do you have SD in counseling?

How long have you had custody?

Is mom still involved? If yes, how often do they see each other?

LaMareOssa's picture

Submitted by LaMareOssa on Fri, 08/16/2013 - 4:17pm

SD is 11. We have had full custody since Jan 2012. She is in counseling and has been for only 9 months. We're not sure if it's actually helping thus far. BM is no longer involved. She had supervised visits for the 1st year because of the flight risk and other reasons. BM no longer sees SD at all. BM assaulted the supervisor at a visit and tried to run her over in the parking lot-Thus no more visits. BM seems to enjoy not having SD or her other two children(Not DH's children)

LaMareOssa's picture

Submitted by LaMareOssa on Fri, 08/16/2013 - 4:27pm

Yes, it is very sad. But, unfortunately nothing new for SD. I understand that it was a very uncertain life SD was living with BM. However, that does not excuse SD's behavior. Sad

Anne Boleyn's picture

Submitted by Anne Boleyn on Fri, 08/16/2013 - 4:14pm

I don't like one of my step-daughters and feel bad about it from time-to-time. But the issue is really that her parents don't parent her. So then I feel sorry for her sometimes. It's sort of a vicious cycle. It's hard to like someone who treats you and everyone around them terribly, even if you know it's not their fault they were raised that way.