I have been married less than two years, and am very much in love with DH. I have no bio children, and this is my first (and hopefully only!) marriage. We have SS8 and SS11 50 percent of the time. Dh and I have our conflicts with different parenting styles (reformed Disney dad), my expectations of behavior in our home, BM drama, and sometimes my being the "second wife" and not the "Golden Uterus" sucks. We are navigating things well and DH is receptive to my needs, parents the kids, and tries to be a good husband and dad. Sometimes I have to light a fire under his ass, but he tries.

I am lucky that I get along very well with the skids and we have a bond and relationship unto ourselves. We have fun together and we feel like a family. However, now that I have seen BM's antics over the years (worsened GREATLY after our marriage), I have drawn a line in the sand about how much I invite the Skids into my heart. They have no idea this line exists- I don't treat them any differently. They are tied to her by blood; that is thicker than any bond I could forge, and ultimately they are HERS not mine. I never tried to be their mom or steal them; I genuinely love them and want to be near them, and they want to be near me.

Before I met DH, I was always on the fence about having my own kids, mostly because I was never in a place relationship wise to ever even consider it, and when I married DH, I thought the steps would be "enough". However, as I watch all my friends have babies in their simple "married with no previous marriages or kids" rosy universe, I am now crushed because I know what being a STEP really means, and it is NOT the same. I don't feel like I even need to explain that, because you probably all understand. I am happy for my friends, babysit all the time with and without DH, and get a pang of remorse every time I hand one of them back. With that being said, I never had a BURNING desire to have kids. I have never been totally off the wall baby crazy like some of my friends, even though they have all told me that I would make a great parent. Everyone tells me that.

There is probably a very good chance that DH and I will never have Bios.

One, I can't stand the thought of BM having anything to do with my kids, and the chances that could happen are nil, unless SSons are grown and out. We live in the same rural town as she does, everyone knows everyone, and she is up in our shit all the time. Call me overprotective, but I am a very private person, and wouldn't want any spawn of mine in any kind of proximity to her crazy. The spoiled SSons would surely complain on her (PAS full) weeks about the lack of attention due to the new baby, and I couldn't fathom allowing her even the tiniest window into our life, as she threatens regularly to take us back to court (no leg to stand on).

And two, I would have the expectation that if we were to have children that we would BOTH have to be able to concentrate on parenting them, which may prove difficult if BM starts up trying to make our lives miserable at every turn, or the Skids act up due to change, feel neglected, etc. I love DH and the skids and wouldn't want their relationship to suffer.

Third, I would want my kids to not be the lesser children, grandchildren, etc, but reading everyone's stories on here makes me realize that isn't really realistic either. Having a new baby and having my husband constantly chirping about how to do this and that, how it was last time with skids, being a know it all with parenting, and me as a brand new mom, I am sure would be infuriating at best...

And four, my husband is fixed. So if we decided to have kids, it would be expensive to have bios of our own. (if we adopted, would BM tell the kids that wasn't really their brother/sister? Would grandparents on DH's side treat AD/AS differently since they have bio grandkids already?) DH has said he would do either option if I wanted to, and that he would love being a parent with me, with our own kids.

And FIVE, with no future bios, we currently have 10 years until we are empty nesters. At that time we already have a secret plan to relocate across the country and have a fresh start, just us, and maybe second careers, etc close to aging parents and where we will eventually retire ourselves. We would basically be flushing that in order to have bios. I think our clocks would be up by the time the skids are out...I have talked this every which way with DH and he is very supportive of what I want and need, either way. I have a fear that having kids isn't something that you do just because your spouse wants to, and he has "been there done that", so of course we would talk further about if it was actually time....

I know these reasons are mostly of my own cautiousness and that SO MANY of you navigate bios and skids with a grace I envy daily. I know I need thicker skin and shouldn't care about BM when I make life decisions with DH. I just want the dream- I thought I could have it before we got married- and now, I am not so sure...

I feel like we have a few years to make our decision. A baby in the house when the SSons are teens might be good birth control for them. }:)

But honestly, each day I have this growing fear that without DH, I really have nothing of my own/our own. I am filled with dread and anxiety about anything happening to him. If he keeled over tomorrow, would the Skids still have a relationship with me? Would they still count me as family? Would I ever even see them again? Probably a no all around. I would be basically alone, at 33 (or 45, or 60, or 75), mourning the loss of my entire family, not just my DH.

Please share your stories, insight, advice. This is weighing on me heavier in the past few months and I just worry about regretting whatever decision I make (or put off making).