OT Kinda- Change your tone with (my) DD10
DH has been pretty stressed lately. He has only worked a full week of work once since March. He's worked 38 hours one week, other weeks weren't even 30 hours. We've been living paycheck to paycheck, some paychecks not even covering all bills but luckily are able to catch up the next time I get paid...so really we've only been 2 weeks behind max.
I understand worrying about money and bills but along with this, he has had zero patience for DD10 (my DD, not our child together).
She had a friend over this weekend and DH was snappy with them the whole weekend, when they weren't being bad, just being kids. At dinner they were talking and giggling. Nothing got spilled, or broken, and they weren't being unruly. Just were excited to spend time together for the first time since school was out. I asked him to be a little more patient, since they weren't doing anything bad.
They were out jumping on the trampoline and her friend fell off and bumped her arm on the springs. When they came in, I was in the bathroom, washing my hands, with the door open so I heard everything. DH asked DD what happened, she replied that the friend fell. DH asked "are you ok?" meaning to the friend but DD replied for her friend. DH yelled at DD "I wasn't talking to you". DD was upset from being yelled at and went running to her room, crying. I didn't say anything bad about DH, just told DD to stop crying and make sure her friend was ok.
I talked to DH abbout it, and he didn't think he did anything wrong. I told him he didn't need to raise his voice at her. Reminded him of the last time we were with SD21 and SD's boyfriend. Boyfriend is from Hawaii so he goes home in the summer when college is out. DH and I were trying to ask boyfriend about his summer and SD kept answering for him. At that time DH made a joke out of it and started calling SD by boyfriend's name since she was already answering for him. Told him he can't make a joke out of it when SD does it and yell at DD.
Tonight during dinner, I remembered I needed to turn the sprinkler off, so I stepped out the back door, right by the dining table, reached down to turn the water off and came back in to DH yelling at DD "don't stand there with the fridge door open. Decide what you want and close the door". DD had been seated when I walked outside so she couldn't have had the door open THAT long.
After dinner, when we were cleaning up, I very nicely mentioned to him that it wasn't what he said to DD, it was how he said it. That he has no patience with her and snaps at her a lot lately. He got all pissed off, saying he won't say $hit from now on. Tried to get him to talk to me about it, he refused, repeating the same thing. Told him that I thought married couples were supposed to be able to talk about things, not get all pissy and defensive when the other person brings something up. Told him it was bull$hit that he wouldn't even talk to me about and walked out of the kitchen.
He hasn't talked to me since, and I'm assuming this means we won't be talking to SS tonight either. My gawd if he could talk to his own damn kids the way he talks to my DD, maybe his adult children wouldn't have so many fucking issues from him being Disney/guilty dad!
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exactly, but how do I get him
exactly, but how do I get him to see how he's talking to her, without him getting defensive? He doesn't think he's talking to her with any visciousness in his voice
He knows he's wrong and he's
He knows he's wrong and he's feeling guilty, that's why he gets defensive and won't talk about it. DD isn't the problem, she's an affordable target. He's probably not worried if DD rejects him. But he wouldn't dare speak to his own like that for fear they'll reject him. And he probably wouldn't dare speak to you like that because you'll stand up to him I'm guessing.
So 'lucky' DD gets to be whipping post, sorry.
Sounds like my ex step dad
Sounds like my ex step dad and he is being an ass. Are you going to further allow him to treat your DD like that?
Definitely not! She is a
Definitely not! She is a good kid, with awesome manners, and respects everyone. He has no reason to talk to her like he has been and we WILL be talking about this again, whether he wants to or not. Typical for DH, I can almost guarantee he will apologize for the way he talked me to when we go to bed, and somehow I need to think of how to get him to see how terrible he is being to her...
My biggest fear is he will push her away and she will be so miserable, she will want to go live with her dad 4 hours away
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OHHHHHHH you did not make it
OHHHHHHH you did not make it clear that this is his SKID. When you say "DD" and don't clarify, I think most of us, at least I did, thought this was a bio child.
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yeah sorry, my DD. he has
yeah sorry, my DD. he has adult skids, I have DD10, no kids together yet...this makes me rethink TTC one together. Then my DD will definitely be a second class citizen!
My DH was like this with my
My DH was like this with my kids -- would snap at them, be demanding, yet NEVER dream of speaking to his children in the same manner. I would get so pissed... tried talking to him and got the same stuff you did: "fine, then I just won't say shit to them!" But within a couple hours another opportunity would present itself and he'd be at it again.
So... I starting calling HIM out on it. Right there, no more talking behind closed doors because that wouldn't get us anywhere. I'd call him out on his tone, his lack of using please and thank you, and his all-around Gestapo-like attitude.
He got it.
Not that I'm defending him (because I'm not)... I see the same behaviors in his father. That's the way DH was raised and since he basically worships the ground his dad walks on (they're best friends) DH sees nothing wrong with it. Or at least he didn't. Because I've not hesitated to point out to DH (but not in front of FIL) how rude-sounding FIL can be to his wife and DH. MIL says that's exactly how FIL's father spoke to him and his brothers.
It's one of those family legacies that I'm bound and determined to break.
DD does go to her bio dad's
DD does go to her bio dad's often, especially in the summer, and he pays CS regularly- have never had to go through the state for anything, knock on wood. Our financial issues are due to DH's job. He has had only 1 full 40 hour week since March. And to top it off, we have health insurance through his work and they told him "it is only taken out 5 months out of the year, when we're the busiest", so he's not getting even 30 hours a week, and then insurance is taken out...leaving him with an extremely small check.
Add to that, SS19 just moved back in with us and looks like hell from not having money to buy food the past 3-4 weeks.
I think everyone is right though, he's stressed and taking it out on my DD, his easy mark. I did talk to DD last night about things and tell her in the instances like the fridge last night, she can stand up for herself, without getting rude or ignorant. While she was looking for what she wanted to drink, SS reached past her to grab some juice, so that added to the amount of time the fridge was open. She is allowed to point that out, with manners and respect. And I will continue to call him on it, any time he raises his voice at her.
I don't yell at his son, he WILL NOT yell at my daughter.