"I didn't think it concerned you" DH co-signed on apartment for SD without even talking to me.

Just when I think DH understands what being married and joint finances mean, he goes and does something stupid.

This time it was co-signing for SD23 and her BF on their apartment. SD's bf doesn't have a job, just goes to school full time and his mom and dad pay for everything! SD and bf had a roommate in the 2 bedroom apartment they are living in, but when said roommate moved out, their income (read: income from SD's 2 part time jobs) didn't qualify them for the apartment anymore. They had a couple new roommates lines up but they fell through.

I asked DH one time what SD and bf were going to do, if they had thought about moving to a new apartment complex with just 1 bedroom. He said he didn't know what they were going to do, but they couldn't even qualify for a 1 bedroom in the complex they were in, without a co-signer.

Fast forward 2 months to this past Tuesday. I was getting ready to go get DD12 from her church activity when a text popped up in DH's phone. It was from SD saying "did you get those forms filed?" Uhm, what forms I ask?

Mother F'ing DH co-signed on the apartment for SD and bf, and since they just got a roommate moved in, they needed DH to fill out some other forms to take his name off the lease.

I flipped my lid! He tells me "I didn't think it concerned you, or was anything I needed to talk to you about. It was only for a couple months and I sat down with them to make sure they could afford it. There was no risk because they showed me what budget cuts they made and they knew they could afford it. I didn't see it was a big deal and don't understand why you're making it such a big deal now."

What part of "these are my finances too" does he not understand???? And of course there was risk. SD could have lost one or both of her jobs, could have been sick or injured and unable to work. Medical bills could have come up, any number of things...there's never ZERO risk in finances unless you win lottery or have a ton of savings.

She hasn't been able to afford all of her bills the last few months either. 1 month we lent her $100 that they were short on rent because her bf was out of state and didn't leave money for rent, and the original roommate moved out. Last month, she didn't have the money for her phone bill so we paid it and she's supposed to pay us back today. But oh, another phone bill was already due Oct 2nd and I doubt she'll have the money to pay that and pay us back what she owes us.

He refuses to admit he was wrong, or even TRY to understand my point/side of things. I've tried to bring it back up to talk about it, but he just says the same things over and over again "I didn't see it was a big deal or anything that I needed to talk to you about, and don't understand why you're making it such a big deal now."

I've told him that it could have affected our finances, and I feel like when it comes to his kids, he has a separate life that doesn't involve me. He didn't talk to me about it, or even tell me he was going to do it...I was included in this, thus the separate life. And if he's going to lead a separate life, why are we even married?

I don't know what to do, how to get him to understand me, or even where to go from here. Since Tuesday night, he hasn't talked to me, said goodnight, kissed me goodnight, said goodbye when he went to work, said I love you...nothing! I'm really tired of this and I refuse to do any of the talking til we come to some kind of resolution on this but I don't see how that's going to happen /sigh

I should have stayed single!

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Sorry you're in this

Sorry you're in this situation. The obvious answer is separate finances but that doesn't work for everyone. However, you may want to bring it up to him. If he really doesn't think it's any of your business then this might give both of you piece of mind.

I would ask him how he'd feel if you'd co-signed for one of your family members or your BFF without talking to him? Or if you'd gone out and made a major purchase without him.
Ask him if he would have made the decision to exclude you if it had been for anyone other than his kid.

He thinks this is about you not wanting him to support his child. He needs to see that it's about including you in financial decisions.

The other thing to remember here is that he was right. They did make the payments and he's now off the lease.

I did ask him how he'd feel

I did ask him how he'd feel if I did it, he said he wouldn't care because he knew I'd use my best judgment.

"The other thing to remember here is that he was right." I don't know if I'd go so far to say he was right, just that they didn't run in to any big snags and got lucky that they found a roommate. I don't think they would have been able to keep making the payment on all their bills had they not found a roommate. We would have ended up paying phone bill after phone bill, since SD's phone is on DH's bill.

But even if were to separate

But even if were to separate finances, we're married and I'd still be liable in the end...at least on paper.

Men are such assholes. Why

Men are such assholes.

Why didn't your SD's BF's parents co-sign, since they pay everything for him?

Of course, it could have affected you. Like you said, anything could have happened and your SD obviously has cash flow problems as it is.

Having separate finances does not solve all of the money issues. Spouses are still affected by what the other spouse does financially. That's just the reality of being married or in a long term relationship.

I had an argument with my DH about money last night and I thought we were past that after 19 years. And we do not have ONE joint account. I mentioned something about money and he just relapsed back to when he was with BM and she controlled (and kept) ALL of the money.

It gets really tiring.

Tiring, that's a great way to

Tiring, that's a great way to explain it!

Not that what I'm about to

Not that what I'm about to say is going to help you out in this situation, but if it is of ANY consolation to you, I too live my world with someone who I have literally accused of having a 'secret life' aside from what he and I share. When I read 'He refuses to admit he was wrong, or even TRY to understand my point/side of things. I've tried to bring it back up to talk about it, but he just says the same things over and over again "I didn't see it was a big deal or anything that I needed to talk to you about, and don't understand why you're making it such a big deal now', I was screaming at my computer screen and I could feel the heat of frustration rush through me as your situation is SO relatable to my own !
It IS a big deal ! This kind of thing breaks trust, and the more often it happens, the harder it is to come back from it ! What else is he capable of doing behind your back, or is it just where his irresponsible daughter is concerned ?
If your man is anything like mine, he leaves all other financial decisions, budgeting and savings goals in your hands, but when it comes to his kid, there is no discussion needed and your opinion is worthless to him.
Am I getting warm ?

You are SPOT ON! Yep, I do

You are SPOT ON! Yep, I do all the bills, all the budgeting, all the worrying that we're going to be late paying utilities.

But when it comes to both of his kids, he has guilty dad syndrome and cannot say no to them. He's done something similar to this before. When his son got out of jail (drugs), we AGREED (I thought) that we would not help SS financially. Very next day, DH takes SS to Walmart so SS can turn his phone back on. Guess who paid the activation fee and the first month of service?!? Wasn't SS. I got the same song and dance "it wasn't a big deal, I don't know why you're making a big deal about this".

Understand that I know this

Understand that I know this is a case of 2 wrongs not making a right.

Since you control the budget and I'm guessing the accounts can you cut him off? Can you set up another account where any and all extra money after the bills are paid goes to? One that only you have access to?
It wouldn't stop him from co-signing anything but he would have to ask you for everything from gas money to $5 for a coffee.

When he complains say, honey you said you'd trust my judgment, just like i'm supposed to trust yours and I'm saving for us for retirement.

Big deal? Yeah, because

Big deal? Yeah, because married true partners discuss financial decisions before they are made.

Honestly, go out and buy an

Honestly, go out and buy an item equal in price to what you could have been paying on that loan.

Then, when he asks, say "Oh, I didn't think it concerned you, or was anything I needed to talk to you about. I sat down to make sure we could afford it. There was no risk because I know we can afford it with sacrifices to the budget in other areas. I didn't see it was a big deal and don't understand why you're making it such a big deal now. It's like you think we're married and my financial decisions impact you, or something." with a sweet smile on your face.

Caveat being to make sure to buy something that is fully refundable, and then return it after you've made your point. If there are conditions for return, make sure you follow them.

I'm thinking a luxury handbag, or an expensive pair of shoes you can casually model for him (without wearing outdoors so the return policy isn't compromised), should make your point quite nicely.