That's a tough situation. Stand by your wife, she was wrong if she hit your daughter first, but it seems like your daughter may have picked a fight on purpose.

Ask both of them for their side of the story separately, and then together. From there try to weed out the truth.

OK yes I could have should have but it didn't . So where do you go from here? Stand by your wife, why. B/c she is the adult and you don't want your DD to think she above your wife b/c she isn't.

Here's the thing I did thus to my mom and my DD do this to me. I got hit and so dud my DD. If thus were her mom would you think other wise like you are thing about your wife? No way would you think it was all on the mom and not stand by her in regard to respecting her as her mom. So why are you questioning your wife? No different you know your DD provoked and you know your wife reacted. Perhaps you need to tell your DD that if she plays with the big dogs to expect to get hurt.

Anon I understand protection a minor really I do. However I've been there dine that with my own mom and with my DD I get why step mom hit SD. Most if the time it takes just one time of putting teen girls in their place and they wont do it again.

Honestly we don't know how many times SD has provoked am as Tom has said he didn't want to leave them alone. That tells me there is a history here and perhaps am had enough.

Yea but at the same is stepmom there to be shit on and take it? Hell no!

Eta: I'm not saying what am did was right but at the same time I do believe SD provoked and one too many times and sm felt this was the only way she could get her and her dh to get it that is not to be shit on any more and she's not going to take it.

Did the SM hit or did she slap? Also what did skid say before this happened? If she hit then how did she do it? Open hand, closed fist? How hard was it? Did it leave a red mark?

Thank you for explaining it bc it is hard trying to answer a half asked question. Um in your opinion, are they both wrong? I mean this nicely, how and why did it get to that point? I don't want to just say who is right or wrong, I would rather find out how long this tension has been building, did you know about it, have you done anything about it, and what would you like to see out of it? My opinion, your wife is out of line laying her hand on another yes. What are you willing to do to prevent her from doing so again? As a father of a minor, its really on you to protect your child. Seriously if she touched her once, the anger is there and you don't know what she could ultimately do should she become upset enough. Feelings for love is a blessing and all but your minor child here needs your protection at least until she is of age.

I understand your wifes feelings believe me but I never once touched my SD in anger. As in outsider with nothing to loose, people go to jail/prison over this. If your not reporting it, your daughter might be and not even realize it. Your wife put you all in danger by crossing that fine line. I really hope things work out smoothly for ya, I just am one of those people who thinks about the worst and hopes for the best. My suggestion, get them two separated.

This is a no brainier for me. Your wife crossed the line.

Would she had reacted the same way with an adult?

Hold them BOTH accountable for their actions. Let them both know that you are disappointed in their behavior. No Blood and DNA didn't make them family, marriage did, but they are family and families have disagreements. Violence is not the answer and they both need to calmly sit down and talk about their issues. Let them both know that this will NOT happen again. I have SD's and BD's... my BD's fight a lot, I drew boundaries when they were teenagers and let them know that hitting was NOT PERMITTED in my house ever. Let your wife and daughter know that you love them BOTH and that you refuse to take sides, they will want you to, but tell them that they need to resolve their issues peacefully.

If you don't support your wife your dd will walk all over her and it is likely your dd has been pushing her long before this fight, but SM should of walked away she should of had you smack your kid, maybe you don't discipline effectively and your kid has been mini wifeing it up bossing around SM you know your wife the #1 woman in your life, and maybe you've spoiled her so much she expected SM to do as she wants rather than remembering her place is as a child not an adult. Now when I responded to your other blog my concern was the regular smacking of a young child not a mouth bitchy teen (she 13 I guarantee this description fits) So dad what have you done or not done as a parent and partner to your wife to lead to this situation happening?

OK sorry my phone died. I don't think what sm did was right. However she is only human and how much do you expect her to take? She reached her limit. Of course she should have walked way and had you take care of it. But why did it get to this point us the question you need to ask yourself. B/c if you are teaching your DD respect or just not deciplaning her then your wife probably feels it is pointless to have you do anything.

I've been there don't that with my mom and my DD I sassed my mom and she slapped me my DD sassed me and I slapped her. Now of course this was after some time of the buttons being pushed but it still happened. Most teen girls will push it they get put back in their place.

WTF? I DON'T CARE WHAT ARGUMENT WAS GOING ON, NO ONE BETTER LAY HANDS ON MY KID!
Personally, I think your wife better be watching her ass cause BM is coming for her. If not to physically kick her ass, then to involve the police or courts or CPS or whatever else she can think of. If BM wasn't crazy before, she will be now. And rightfully so.
Does your kid have issues? Sounds like it. Was SM pushed and pushed hard by a disrespectful teen? Sure seems like it. Did you do anything about it? Doesn't sound like it. If the teen had been the one to hit SM first, maybe very small maybe, I could see an instinctive response of hitting back, maybe.
But smacking someone else's kid is not okay ever. The problem for me is if SM lost control to this extent, if you allow them around each other the situation will probably escalate because the teen now knows exactly what buttons to push to get SM to show her ass.
You know them both the best and you can tell if they would be able to work it out with some time apart and lots of counseling.
But personally, it's a moot point cause I think BM is going to take this ammunition and slaughter you if you even think about staying with your wife.

Your concern should be getting professional help asap just for this issue alone.
Spare the rod, spoil the child---true but we now live in an age where respect is no longer a priority when it comes to teen-adult relationships so adults can come unhinged pretty quickly especially when there's no way to physically retaliate---no matter what people's beliefs are--it's a legal & domestic liability.

You are in no position to take sides, seems to me you don't even know or want to. Seek help right now before things get ugly. Put it in someone else's experienced hands that know how to deal with situations like this all the time that can help all three of you.

This is something I feel strongly about as I've been there done that. I agree with the ones that said this is more than just a slap. Obviously there were problems way before. This happened. You failed to protect your wife and your DD. I say that b/c you knew there was crap going in between them and you didn't do anything to prevent this from happening.

You knew your DD hates sm and sasses which is why you didn't want to leave them alone. You didn't protect your wife by teach your DD to respect her sm weather she likes her or not. You them didn't protect your DD by teaching her to respect sm weather she likes her or not.

How much disrespect did you expect your wife to handle before it blew up like it did?

And you saying that sm doesn't have the right to disclpian is where your problem is. You expect sm to treat your kids like her own but how can she if she can't correct her? You have unrealistic expectations on your wife with that.

I think if it got so bad an SM felt the need to slap an SD, bring all the cops, BMs etc. because the SM would probably be done with the whole situation anyway.

I don't think SM would cry over being kept away from SD, more likely celebrate instead.

I think anyone who hears this knows the slap was provoked and if it is assault for one, it is assault for both. I would definitely press charges against anyone who assaulted me regardless of their age.

If the dad wants to let his daughter rule, let him get a divorce ... It would not be a big loss for SM.

The police don't need to be involved all that is going to do is teach his DD that she be a brat and get away with it and he will lose his wife just like his DD wants.

Tom you need to get someone experienced with step families and have all you in counciling.

Yes I am if Tom wants to lose his wife then yes call them
I never said sm was right to slap but come on its not the end of the world. The girl was wrong too and needs to be taught it was wrong. This is a family issue not a police issue.

This is a case where SD was being disrespectful and dad did nothing about it and sm reached her limit. Now Tom needs to go back and think what could he have done to prevent this. The answer us that he should have protected them both and he choose not to.

Tom knew that hus DD hates his wife but didn't teach her to respect her as an adult in her life heance the sassing. He didn't protect DD by not calming her butt down towards his wife.

I think the cops should be called and both SD and SM charge each other with assault.

Let this go to a judge and let SD have this on her record also. if one is punished they both deserve to be punished.