More and more I think this arrangement is like poligamy
Because I'm the only one who is supposed to be understanding and tolerant of the intrusiveness of an ex-wife.
I suppose if I also had an ex-husband, it would be a more equal playing field. But I don't.
And I hate sharing my husband with "the mother of his other children". I especially hate it at meal times, at night times, on his days off, on OUR family outings, and no, she doesn't come along, I just hate having her text or call.
I hate hearing about how they argue then "kiss and make up" which is my exaggeration of what it seems like, when they argue then come to an agreement. I'm never able to see it, but I can just imagine how it goes. Why the hell couldn't they have done that before they got divorced and then I would have never been in this picture?
Sometimes I feel like the only honorable way out of this torture is death, and no, I'm not suicidal...
I just think that I don't want to be divorced and lose this stupid game...and have to live to see that fall-out every day and still have to deal with all the damn things that hang around after you're divorced, because I can see now that marriage is for life as long as you have kids together and don't want to be a dead-beat.
So no matter what anyone says again... the "he's with you now, he doesn't love her", the "if he wanted to be with her, he wouldn't be with you", the "she was the past, you are the present"... it's all bullshit if she's around, she has majority control over the kids, lives close by and he has to deal with her on a weekly/regular basis and she's still got a hold of his balls. He's still with her. There are lots of people still married to each other, functioning while not loving each other. Love doesn't mean anything.
Is he concerned about her well-being even if for the sake of the kids? Yes. Then he loves her too.
Does he give her money for the kids? Yes. Then he loves her too.
Do they function as a family together? Making decisions, leaving you out? Yes. Then he loves her too.
Does he make decisions that will hurt you to please her? Yes. Then he loves her too.
He probably doesn't want to live with her, but if polygamy were allowed and the norm, do you think he'd have divorced to marry you? Or if you gave him some kind of free pass to sleep with her every other Sunday and make her breakfast in bed, do you think he'd pass on it?
I honestly think I did the wrong thing by marrying a man with kids. Wrong for myself, wrong for my kids, wrong for him and his kids. I don't really take all the blame, there were some things, had he told me, or had I found out about them before we were married, I know I would have made a better decision.
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The polygamy part is why I
The polygamy part is why I truly believe there should be virtually no contact between the bio-parents. And they should NEVER EVER EVER be alone.
Wow, stepmom31.. I could have
Wow, stepmom31.. I could have written this myself. I'm sorry you're feeling like this.. I can totally relate. Like WishIKnew's tagline on all of her posts.. "Wish I knew then what I know now.", I would have probably made a much better decision myself.. and I think there are a lot of us here that feel the same.
I wish I had some advice, but I don't. My mind is going back to some comments I was reading on a post a week or 2 or 3 ago.. the poster brought up the Sheryl Crow song "If It Makes You Happy".. I sing that song to myself regularly, and then I remind myself that as long as I choose to remain in my situation, that will continue to be the theme song for my life. I can change it.. but I guess I do love DH enough that I hang on and hope that, someday, it will get better.
Hugs to you, babe.. you're in my thoughts and prayers!
I know what you mean and how
I know what you mean and how you feel. I exploded on DH and our counselor finally - I told them both that BM is so intrusive in our life that I am going to set a place at the dinner table for her and get a bigger bed so we can all be comfortable at night.
I finally dropped the hammer - me or her. You pick. All communication is via text or email ONLY and that decree is our bible. No exceptions. You follow that thing without fail or I am gone.
He did all the guilty parenting/ex husband BS that they all do and I wont stand for it. My ex and I dont talk and the kids are just fine.
So far, this has worked for us. He got it when I hit him over the head with reality and what I will and wont tolerate.
My goodness I can relate to
My goodness I can relate to this post. For years BM was so horrible to DH, you name it, she did it. There were restraining orders involved and she's banned from entering his house. Earlier this year she insisted that the ssons go to private school. DH took her to court over that but during the mediation session, all of sudden, BM who's the most uncooperative, pain the ass person became cooperative and agreed w/ DH on everything! Afterward she went on about how she hasn't hugged him in 3 years and wanted a hug. That's two months ago! since then she started acting like they're friends or something. Texting him about things that are unnecessary, calling him, emailing him, etc...
Being pregnant I'm tired and need my sleep so last week when I woke up because BM texted my husband at 1130 at night, I completely lost it on him! DH on the other hand does not seem a bit bothered by BM's intrusion in our lives-he's so happy they're co-parenting now. them communicating with each other is better and less expensive then going through lawyers but there's a fine line and every day I feel more and more like BM is getting dangerously close that line. That woman has no class or boundaries, it' up to DH to set the boundaries but looks like he doesn't get it.
^^^This is my life. I
^^^This is my life. I completely lost it yesterday. BM has denied SO any unsupervised visitation for 2 years and overnight becomes co-parent of the year. This, of course, requires constant phone calls, texts, showing up at his job, etc. None of this is ever related to the kid. SO sees absolutely no problem with it, he's just happy that when he asks for his son now she lets him take him. I'm just waiting to see how long this act will last before she goes all batshit baby mama crazy again. He, however, has been put on notice. She wants to talk to you about the weather and find out how your day is going? Ok...continue to prioritize that chick and compromise our relationship if you want. No matter how you slice it she's still USING the child to attempt to control him. It makes me sick.
My hubby will flat out go
My hubby will flat out go against agreements we have made and make choices that hurt me but please the EXW. His reason? Well... but she's crazy and you're not!!!!
So, he'd rather piss me off than her, because I'm a better person? WTF is that?
And I agree CH101, co-parenting is bullshizzz.
My husband thinks his
My husband thinks his daughter would be more mature, more independent and more prepared for life if BM was not the way she is and they could've co-parented (we had SD EOWE and she stopped that at 15).
First of all, I personally am glad I did not have to put up with the constant communication that goes along with so called co-parenting.
Second, why does it take co-parenting? Why couldn't BM just be a decent parent on her own?
My husband was and is a good father and has tried to teach SD about life. BM, on the other hand, has cultivated this helpless, dependent, immature woman-child.
I would be so pissed at my DH
I would be so pissed at my DH if he were that way with BM. Luckily, our BM showed her crazy early and often. By the time he went to court to get an actual parenting schedule set up, he added a No Contact clause to the agreement.
Strangely enough, THIS is what she fought MOST about when they were negotiating! SHE felt like having his kids meant that she got unrestricted access to him. My DH put in STRICT boundaries in order to make sure that wasn't happening.
There is no way I could have had a marriage with the man if he were all up in BM's business constantly. Both skids are now over 18 and DH and BM communicated rarely over the years.
Maybe you need to find a guy friend. Not saying you need to DO anything inappropriate with him (or more inappropriate than what you see your DH doing) but sometimes these guys don't understand how we feel until the shoe is on the OTHER foot. Of course, that would be one of my last ditch efforts.