excluded step dad and his kids
i joined yesterday and i thank everyone for taking the time and offering support. yes i called off the engagement with my finance over little balance in the relationship. i have 3 kids (normal visitation schedule) she as one 24/7. we were not living together and were planning on moving in this summer. i felf i was always there for her and wanted to help and be a big family. being a nice guy i often went out of my way to offer help and support. yes there is more to what i wrote yesterday that my kids were excluded from her son bday party at her house (7 year old) my kids are the same ages and the get a long great. she just wanted his school friends though. but she did have a little party and cake just the 4 of them. this is something though i would never think of doing. it would bother me grately if her son ever felt excluded. she also as many girlfriends with kids my kids ages, never was there a play date in 2 years, it would be too many people she said and they are her sons special friends. again, i dont think like that. we spend every saturday together the 4 kids but that it. her son farther only see the boy a couple of hours on sundays. i have spent much time obviously with her and her son but she would have little interest in seeing me and my kids with out hers. for example i invited her to my kids game on a sunday and she first responds "her child is with his dad" totally insensitive. if i was invited to a game of her sons i would say sure would love to be there. not but my kids are with my ex though. i told her that supporting my kids is conditional that your kid is around? i guess she understood how it sounded and offered to go to the next game, but i know she really would want to. anyway, before her sons party he was having i needed to be in 2 places had to take my youngest age (4) to another party and obv couldnt drop her off and asked my finance to much my other 2 at her house. i was turned down for 2 reasons she was to busy setting up for her sons bday and it was not fair for her son that my kids would be there when guest were arriving and it would be a third of the party. we had a debate on how it hurt me for a few days. she told me that her friends husband would never dump her kids on her friend he would turn to family anfd figure it out. as a couple we were best friends, ist that thing best friends do? she told me than i should not have taken my duagter to her party and i was the selfish one becuase she was stressed out for her sons party. we have a lot in common and have had magical times but im laid back. she hyperfocuses on so much, to me it would be no big deal at all to watch her kid, and even if i was stressed i would still do it to help her out of a jam. we admit we are different and have completely different upbringings, (her parents are in their 80 in a loveless abusive relationship, complet opposite of my folks) my resentment grew tried hard to communicate but was greeted with stubornesss and me nagging. i called it off. she was hurt and cried but my logic was if i was to live with her and her son 24/7 i would be giving up too much freedom if she cant go out of her way to lend a hand or include. did i over react? i honestly dont know and im feeling sad, but the personality was so unatractive, i feel sure of that.
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Never marry anyone when you
Never marry anyone when you have strong doubts.
"did i over react? i honestly
"did i over react? i honestly dont know and im feeling sad, but the personality was so unatractive, i feel sure of that."
That answers your question. I think this relationship was ready to end, personally. And you're not attracted to her personality and I don't really blame you. She's distanced herself from your kids though and really take a look and see why that is. Is there a chance that she was disengaging here? Maybe your kids have been disrespectful ever of her? Or hurt her feelings? Or are mean to her son? I'm not saying that's what happened - but I'm asking you to look a little deeper into the situation and see why she needed to distance herself from your children. That is her right but you are not attracted to that - so you need to move on. I'm more concerned relationship wise about her not helping you out and being a supportive partner. She blew off your feelings when you brought your issues to her each time. As for the kids, I'd look deeper into that. There may be a reason why she wanted space.
Well, before anyone else says it, I'll say that it really isn't her responsibility to watch the kids even though you had to be in 2 places at once. If she wanted to to be supportive as you seem to her, she might have offered but you can't really hold it against her if she doesn't.
We go by a rule I learned on here. 'Not my kid. Not my problem.' You have to deal with these scheduling issues. Even if you fall in love with a woman and marry her, those children are still your children. She will be in a supportive role for you - but your kids are your responsibility. Any help she gives you is a bonus. Men have a hard time understanding that.
I feel for you. Break ups are hard but I hope you look at what happened in this relationship and it helps you do better in the next one. Keep the kids separate from whomever you're dating for a while. Keep your eyes open about the change of personality after your kids meet your SO. But give them time too. Don't rush into anything. No woman is looking to become a mother to more kids. It's overwhelming.
Too many doubts and
Too many doubts and uncertainties = bad idea to get married.
thank you. i hear you. isnt
thank you. i hear you. isnt it though a little selfish to think though "not my kids not my problem" my kids are with my ex most of the time (i see them a couple times a week and every other weekend). i will be living with her kid 24/7. i was happy to take on the role and share in her responsibilities as a parent to her. i love being a dad. i understand when you give it doesnt mean you expect something in return. that is true. but as a wife and best friend should she treate my kids as her own??? that i dont get. i always treAted her son with the respect and thoughtfulness of my own kids. thats a truth. but she did say what you just wrote "they are not hers." how can i move in and give an open heart to her and her son under the same roof, helping with all her daily responsibilities as a parent if she has an attitude of my kid are not hers???
but as a wife and best friend
but as a wife and best friend should she treate my kids as her own?
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Simple answer to this is NO. Just because she's your wife and best friend does NOT obligate her to love your children and treat them as her own, even if you do that for hers.
Perfect example of this is my marriage. My husband adores my DD15 and she loves him. He treats her as he would if he was her dad. They have mutual love and respect for each other.
I can't stand his daughter. She's rude, lazy, disrespectful, hateful, spiteful and plain out hates me. Should I treat her like my own just because I married her father?
did she ask you to take on
did she ask you to take on responsibility for her kid? does she expect that from you?
My skids are not my responsibility, I help my DH out when I need to but its up to him and BM to figure it out - if they sign their kid up for something, they should be able to get them there, if the kid needs something for school, they should pick it up.
I have my own 2 bios, I do not expect nor have I asked my DH to take on responsibility for them, he is not their father. All I expect is my DH to be respectful and polite and them the same to him, if I am stuck in an emergency situation where my kids are concerned and their father is completely unavailable, and I have exhausted all other efforts I then MAY ask my DH to help me out.
I expect my DH to be my husband and treat me like his wife.
His kids are not mine - they belong to BM and DH, nothing to do with me really and my kids are not DHs. DH will often in public pretend like my kids are his. They are not, they have a dad, he is not it - I love my DH but my kids are not his, he didn't raise them, they are good kids, that is my doing and partially their fathers's doing, nothing to do with DH. His kids are a representation of his and BMs choices, I have no say and I will not take ownership of them.
Perhaps she didn't ask you? Perhaps she doesn't want you to 'step up and be a dad' especially if her kid has a dad that is active in his life?
I may not like my XH much, nor do I ever want to be around him more than 5 mins, but I respect his place in my childrens life as their father and I expect him to respect mine as their mother.
I married DH because I love him, as a husband. Food for thought.
did she ask you to take on
did she ask you to take on responsibility for her kid? does she expect that from you?
This was my question. and I'm guessing that the answer is "no" it sounds like she was very independent and did NOT count on you to take care of her kid, did not ask you to "love" her kid, did not ask you to include her kid. You did all of that on your own (which by the way is wonderful!) But a lot of people are not wired like that. I know from experience also that some times when you give someone an inch they take a mile. When I first met DH, I used to do a lot with the skids... A LOT! I would take them to school so DH didn't have to get up, I would take them to movies, to play putt putt, watch them while DH was doing work on his apartment house etc. and I started to feel like I was being used by DH and BMs... all of the sudden things that I was doing to be nice to my DH became expected of me. That's when I slammed the brakes on and said... woah... not my kids.. you and BM are not going to get a free pass while I do everything here.
I also wonder about your kids behaviors? I'm wondering if your finace was not wanting to include your kids in her son's playgroup, parties etc. because she would have been embarrassed by their behavior? I'm not trying to say you have bad kids.. they might be angels to you, but maybe your finace saw qualities that she did not like.
It sounds like your finace and I are a lot alike in that I am a very independent woman and I don't feel that I need a man to take care of me or my son. And I DON'T like being TOLD that I should be acting a certain way or doing a certain thing... it makes me want to dig in my independent heels and say "don't tell me what to do"
You sound a lot like my DH in that you seem laid back and don't sweat the small stuff.
Sorry you had to call off your engagement, but it sounds like the best thing right now.
yes you are right. she didnt
yes you are right. she didnt ask for much. it was i who offered. went out of my way and insisted. you are a lot like her. cant be told how to treat others and would dig her heals in me. unlike you though she would never extend herself and go out of the way for me as you said you did at first. now im the one who i admit i set myself up to feeling used. but it is not in my nature to act the way she did in return. i love helping people.
Understood, and I agree with
Understood, and I agree with the other posters, she isn't the right woman for you nor you the right man for her.
Some people, like myself don't want help when its not asked for - its an annoyance and just because you volunteer doesn't mean she now owes you a favor for something she didn't ask for...
If you go to dinner and they bring you dessert - you sure wouldn't be pleased if they turned around and charged it to your check now would you??
i do agree that just because
i do agree that just because i did something nice doesnt mean she has to reurn. it is nice though to be thought of. drove her 4am to the airport. i insisted. it not like we were dating. i was to marry her and knew it was the right thing to do. also saved her 100 dollars. yes after that she didnt have to offer to help me pick up my car in the shop but it certainly did suck driving past where she was having dinner at her girl friends house in a taxi to get my car 8 miles away.how would you feel driving her husband to the airport at 4 am and when you asked to get your car he told you sorry having wine with my friend that night. she has the right to not want but as a team (which is what a heathy marriage truly is) shouldnt you be ther and not feel it is an annoyance? ok just food for thought. just want your insist for the future.
I guess there are 2 issues
I guess there are 2 issues here for you.
1. You are looking for a blended family, she is not, she sounds like me, I wasn't looking for a blended family situation, just a husband, our families are not blended, sure we spend time but there are 2 families, with 2 schedules (skids 50%, my bios 75%) different family values on discipline, rules, academic expectations etc. I dont plan to expect less or remove household rules from my kids, DH doesn't plan to add any for his - we simply have no chance in blending, so we don't. You need to clear up your views on blending vs not with your woman - you aren't on the same page.
2. You are a giver and have expectations everyone else should be just like that. An eye for an eye type. You say you don't give then expect a favor in return for giving what was not asked, but then you immediately said yes, I did X for her therefore she should have been compelled to do Y for me. I see those as two totally different things. Yes, my DH would drive me to the airport assuming he didn't have his kids that day, in which case I then take the shuttle since he is unavailable, however, I would drive him to get his car assuming I was available to do so - but not because he drove me to the airport. You do all these things willingly because that is your personality then you are resentful when she doesn't reciprocate which is not her personality, she isn't you. So, she isn't meeting your expectations, plain and simple. If you are resentful of her personality, then its not a great match, kwim?
thank you for your time. the
thank you for your time. the one thing however that stands out in what you said "only if i exhaust all other efforts then will you ask your husband". that is what im stuck on. ok the kids do have differnt dna than hers none the less we were a family. isnt a spoused the first person one should go to if in a jam. you will sooner go to a girlfriend or someone else? why is caring for a kid who is not a bio should be any different? letds say i did have a child with her. you are saying its fair they should all be treated in different manors? women i work with just said they have girl friends who kids are treated like their own and would go out of their way for. it was how i was raised with my parents friends, now we are entering a marriage (there are no behavior problem exhibited with the kids) but my wife is not the one to turn to cause she has her own kid which is not mine? that your logic in her not offering or going out of her way? a fused family should be every man for himself since kids are not bios. isnt it easier and nicer to function as a team?
Every family has a different
Every family has a different dynamic, some step-parents are more involved than others, especially depending on the age of the children.
We also are not living together, he has 3 children, I have none. "Not my kid, not my problem" is a statement that I firmly believe in....but, I am very involved with the kids, we all do things together.
I am not responsible for how they have turned out up until this point, nor am I responsible for the adults that they will turn into. HOWEVER....if we move in together, I will absolutely be a part of their lives and participate as much as I can. If they behave like normal human beings, I participate a LOT. If they behave like little monsters and SO refuses to handle it, I step back and become less involved. So far, this has been working pretty well....with bumps along the way of course. I hope to be a positive adult influence in their lives....but I'm not going to bang my head against the wall to accomplish that.
I think it's all about how much you WANT to open your heart and home to children that aren't your bios, and how much mutual respect is in the household. I absolutely want to be there for the skids....but there are rules that have to be followed, above all else, to respect yourself, each other, and your home.
thank you all. i do
thank you all. i do appreciate the comments. i guess that is the underling theme i am facing "not my kids, not my problem" i wish to add my 3 kids respect, they are thoughtful and well behaved. not just saying that cause im the dad but simply they are. i find often her son mirrors her in his behaviors and its all about him. we did have such amazing chemistry but yes i guess our parenting approaches are not the same!!! i dont get the family dynamic of they are not mine. its a modern family. why should it be different just because they are not biological! i feel if she does wish to marry a man with children she should understand her son is no longer an only child. im sorry i just dont understand.
in addition to my last
in addition to my last though, should the DNA of the children in the new "family" determane the proportion of thoughfulness given? cant get my head around this. this is in response to the idea "not my kids not my problem"
Common courtesy and
Common courtesy and politeness should be given to all. The idea behind "not my kid not my problem" is that the bio parent is still responsible for their own child. In the same way that you would give concideration and be nice to a guest child in your presence, but that doesn't make you responsible for them beyond basic human decency.
Usually people only take this attitude after being burned many times. Being given tons of responsibility and no authority with their partners children. Over time they get burned out and the only wah to take their lives back is to realize that its not their child and not their responsibility to fix them.
If has never even entertained the idea of blending ball the kids, then its motnthe relationship for you.
Its too hard to say just from a few posts on the interne tto say if she's is totally out of life e or if she's been pushed in some way or another to this point. But neither way, its not going to work
Common courtesy and
Common courtesy and politeness should be given to all. The idea behind "not my kid not my problem" is that the bio parent is still responsible for their own child. In the same way that you would give concideration and be nice to a guest child in your presence, but that doesn't make you responsible for them beyond basic human decency.
Usually people only take this attitude after being burned many times. Being given tons of responsibility and no authority with their partners children. Over time they get burned out and the only wah to take their lives back is to realize that its not their child and not their responsibility to fix them.
If has never even entertained the idea of blending ball the kids, then its motnthe relationship for you.
Its too hard to say just from a few posts on the interne tto say if she's is totally out of life e or if she's been pushed in some way or another to this point. But neither way, its not going to work
I started there. I love my
I started there. I love my future step daughters. They bring me great joy. We have a great time. However, they have 2 parents who are responsible for 'parenting' them. Just as me and my ex are responsible for parenting our children. Now it works for us because BM is a relatively decent mother which many here don't have that luxury. Still, the doctors appointments, sports, etc is their responsibility however if in a bind, and I'm free, I will help. But I wouldn't appreciate him getting upset if I chose not to.
The same goes for me. I've never asked SO to watch my boys. The one time he did - he offered. I said 'Are you sure, I can call so-and-so' and he wanted them so he took them.
I do love all 5 of the kids. But I know I'm not even married yet. So I know that I don't have a place parenting the girls. And even after we are married...
yes i can understand much of
yes i can understand much of the attitude explaining the "not my kids approach." thanks for clearing it up. the circumstances in my situation are not like that though. im glad you all took the time to write, thank you. yah the bottom line is its not going to work. i will miss much of the relationship but yes its not going to work. she really made little effort to ever go out of her way or be inclusive. it sucked being the only giver. im glad though i was wise to see and not fall into another failed marriage. thanks again.
You are wise. You'll find
You are wise. You'll find someone with similar values as yourself. Good Luck.
I wonder also if your Ex wife
I wonder also if your Ex wife plays any part in your fiance's feelings? I ask because even though I know it's wrong and that the skids can't control who their mother is.... but because I HATE BMs and they have been nothing but nasty and disrespectful to me, that I tend to project this on to the skids.
Like if it wasn't for the skids, we wouldn't have to deal with BM drama. Sometimes the BM drama makes me resentful of skids. Again, I know it's wrong, but it's human and I'm just being honest.