What Would You Do? SS13 STILL Not Doing HW and Trip is this Weekend
Part of our deal with SS13 was that he would write down his HW assignments in his notebook and that he'd complete all of his homework in order to go on his School Trip this weekend. It is a 5 day trip across the country that all 15 of the 7th and 8th graders at his school will be attending.
This week, he has neglected to turn in a science project on time (left it at home), and has not had one night where he has completed his homework or even bothered to write his assignments down.
We've told him that he won't be going on the trip if he doesn't fix the problem, but...
we already know that he can't just 'make up" this homework. The teacher will count it as incomplete when he shows up with it not done and then they go over it in class.
At this point, he has two more nights of HW to get done.
I don't know what to do. He's worked for some of the money to pay for the trip, and he has improved, but he is NOT holding up his part of the deal in getting his homework completed.
If we send him on the trip, we are giving the impression that our limits and our word don't mean anything. But if we let him go because we've paid the money, we are sending a message that money is more important.
We COULD provide type of additional consequence when he arrives home, but I just don't know what to do.
Need ideas.
all of them.
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Comments
Well, the big issue is his
Well, the big issue is his history homework. He gets like 8 questions a day. The teacher lectures in class, they are supposed to take notes and then go home, read the chapter, and answer the questions. He is never able to complete the questions. He has received incompletes in History for both terms this year.
They go over the answers in class. The teacher will mark it as incomplete - which it is.
If he took notes in class (instead of goofing around), he'd be able to easily complete the work.
This is a trip to Washington DC so this is a history-focused trip.
He's had no screen time
He's had no screen time (vidoe games, tv, tablet, etc) for about two months now because of this issue, so C is off the list.
I like the idea of having him work off the money that we already paid - although we actually had him work to earn the remainder of the balance of the trip a few weeks ago, since his grades alone did not "earn" him the trip. But the understanding was that HW needed to get done!
I agree with BLM. Draco just
I agree with BLM. Draco just posted something along same line, but with his SS it was seeing a movie. A trip, of course, is more important. Your SS is assuming you will give in and let him go anyway, and if you do, he will not have learned anything from this lesson. It is much harder to say NO to our kids than to say YES. If you know in your hearts that he could have done what was asked and agreed upon, then I think you must say NO...sorry SS you did not keep up your end of the bargain. And make sure he knows how much money he has invested in this trip and lost.
ask yourself-why isnt Draco's
ask yourself-why isnt Draco's wife taking the lead on this? Why is Draco?
he is the Stepdad. There is a dad in the picture. The mom at least has a couple of brain cells. Why is this Draco's responsibility?
It is SO hard. I want the kid
It is SO hard. I want the kid to go. His dad wants him to go. It's a trip of a lifetime.
But, he hasn't held up his end of the bargain and I'm really concerned about the message we will send if we allow him to go.
DH and I will be discussing it tonight. I want to have plenty of options and ideas. Right now, I'm just really conflicted.
And I'm constantly having to ask myself: what would I do if this was DD12?
Yes. THis is the kid who's
Yes. THis is the kid who's mother stole his money and he's done some yard work to help pay for the trip.
He's actually asked to do more yardwork at night and/or get up early to do more so that he can earn more spending money since he took his money to his mom's and mom didn't bring it all back to pay the school. We told him he could, BUT HE HAD TO FINISH HW first. And he simply doesn't complete it.
I understand your thoughts on helping him bond and attach to the school. This is why I urged DH to enroll him in this school this year. It is a very small private school and they nurture the kids very well. He LOVES the school and feels safe there and is making friends. This is a kid that was getting bullied at school in the past and did not do well at all in school. He is taking it much more seriously than he has taken school in the past. But, not seriously enough - especially when we are paying $1k each month.
There are probably 3 other kids that are not going on the trip. I'm not sure why. The school holds a yearly trip for 7th and 8th graders and bonding is a big part of why they hold the trip. It's a great experience for the kids. But again, because it's a very small private school, kids easily meet the requirements to attend. He's actually doing fine in all subjects - expect for history.
I want him to go. I think it will be good for his confidence (flying on the plane, being out with friends, being away from DH and BM), but I want to make sure that we provide an appropriate consequence for his not doing his homework.
More yard work (to pay the portion that we've paid for him) sounds like an option that could work.
Breathing is probably the
Breathing is probably the best advice.
I think one of the best things that me and my ex did was commit to putting and keeping our 3 kids in this private school from pre school - 8th grade. When we divorced, we each moved a few times and are now finally settled. Keeping them at this school (6 years after our divorce) has provided them with great friends, strong values, excellent study skills and habits and an extended support system. (luckily, the school has worked with my ex and I so that he does some work for them and I pay a discounted portion).
SS13 didn't have this. He had 3-4 schools that he attended. I wanted to give him something better. He loves it and has requested several times to go to private HS. He feels safe and understands the difference between what he had and what he now has. But he's an attention seeker and wants to stand out. (He even does this at home with my kids - he's the loudest, silliest, etc, etc).
He knows that his performance in school has not "earned" him a summer of fun and that he will be participating in tutoring, summer reading programs, etc while he is with us.
LOL. I have a huge yard too.
LOL. I have a huge yard too. Lots of lawn and lots of weeds and grape vines. We can keep him busy.
I guess working it off is a pretty good trade off. Some kids will grow into adults that will be doing manual labor for a living. His dad is a contractor and works hard himself. Very hard - which is why he's often too tired to stay up to make sure homework gets complete and is out of the house in the morning before anyone else is awake.
yes. I agree. (still torn,
yes. I agree. (still torn, but I agree).
When I was in 8th grade I got caught skipping school with my best friend. This was the first time I ever did something like this. My dad knew that and let it slide but told me that if I did something else, i'd be on a month's restriction. (During that time it meant to come straight home from school and no talking on the phone and no weekend fun).
Well, not a week later, I called a teacher a name under my breath and got suspended from school. (I was clearly testing my boundaries and seeing how cool I could be). Well, dad put me on 30 days restriction - which also meant that I could not go on the Washington DC trip that was already planned.
I stayed on restriction the entire 30 days, said good bye to my friends that went on the trip and the lesson has been in my head the rest of my life.
Oh yes. I learned the lesson.
Oh yes. I learned the lesson. (I never got caught doing anything again }:) )
I'll let you all know what DH has to say and what we come up with.
Another thing that just crossed my mind is that we will have good ol' BM telling SS how mean we are to him if we don't let him go. And she'll just undo any lesson we are trying to help him to learn. She loves to tell him that we are unfair to him, that we pick on him, that DH is a bad dad, etc - all while she sits at home with no job, smoking pot and stealing her kids' money. Uuugh.
- not that BM has ANYTHING to do with how we make our decisions, but it will be something that we will have to contend with.
I think he's old enough to
I think he's old enough to understand that you tied the wrong consequence to the homework issue. I would find another consequence, and it needs to be painful but maybe something that might tie more directly to the disorganization, lack of caring, etc. behaviors I don't know what that might be (organize the garage? every day do xyz? do an extra report just for you on characteristics of successful people? do something on an aspect of this trip--a photo essay maybe?)
One of my DDs went to DC when she was about this same age. 10 years later, she still talks about it now and then. She was chosen to lay the wreath at the tomb of the unknown soldier--how cool is that. That was a powerful life lesson and not something she could have learned in school. School is important; experiences are important.
It's hard to be a parent, and it's ok to make mistakes. We do the best we can. In this case, careful reconsideration and explanation for why you're changing the rules wouldn't be a bad thing.
You told him that he had to
You told him that he had to do the homework and write it down in his notebook to go on the trip.
He didn't do it.
In my house, he wouldn't go on the trip. He didn't hold up his end of the deal. Not because he was in the hospital. Not because he had to work the evening shift at the coal mine. He just didn't do it.
No trip. And suffering a really unpleasant consequence like missing a trip insures that he will remember what happens when you don't meet your obligations.
Getting second, third, fourth, and fifth chances is why the world is full of deadbeat dads and shitty BMs that live in their parent's basements buying $300 purses with alimony and CS payments while their kids are running around barefoot in clothes that are two sizes too small.
If you love this child and want him to be a successful adult, don't rescue him when he screws up.
It's the hardest part of parenting. Allowing them to experience consequences for their actions of lack of actions. It's also the most important part.