I think as women, we need to be very clear on who we procreate with.

If you know FDH has a BM that he pays support to and that he has other children, then you need to consider this prior to building a life with him. His resources and allegiances are spread out already and will continue to be spread with the more he takes on (new wife, steps, new bios, dog, etc)

I had to think long and hard before I jumped in whole heartedly with DH and SS13 who was in DH's care full time, with a crazy drug-addicted BM, no child support, etc.

I also don't really care what exH's new wife thinks in regards to what my ex pays me in child support and the agreements we made with each other in regards to our three children.

As a BM, my XH had a baby with his GF - I don't give a flying f@ck about his other kid. I have nothing against the child either, I am actually very happy the GF got to have a baby - but don't expect me to care. When the baby was born, on behalf of MY children, I let them pick out a handful of items for their new baby brother, wrapped it all up and sent it with them from THEM, not me.

Its my daughters half brother, I only care about that - and I show respect.

However, if my lazy ass XH was bothering to pay CS for the 2 children he already had, my CS would have been adjusted down by $80 for him having another child (even though he doesn't support the first two he brought into this world). Frankly I think he was an idiot to birth another child well after the age of 40 with a woman who he had dated less than a year and knocked up before they even got married - or maybe they got married because he knocked her up... }:) Hows that for BM - talk lol ...

But, when its all said and done, its my bios half brother and out of love and respect for my daughters, I am respectful and I hope proper where their little brother is concerned. Outside of that, I don't give a crap - not my job, responsibility or problem.

I don't think BM has ever acknowledged that I have kids, other than to get pissy with my daughter about calling SD11 "little sister." (Not that my daughter cared.) Of course my kids are grown and couldn't give a flying flip about what BM thinks.

Another question is how are we supposed to feel about BM's other kids that don't belong to our DH's? My sd11 has an older brother and BM continues to act like DH is the stepfather to this kid... ugh... ridiculous. He hasn't been that kid's stepfather in 6 years. Let go of him already!

Dh cs never changed because of dd, until the BM wanted dh to pay full support for two kids and 50% of SD college. We nicely deducted the "other" kid reduction.

As far as her giving a rats ass about my mid....I didn't expect it. However when you call for extraonwy
, you Damn well better be prepared to hear we have four kids wants to figure out.

I don't give a f#$% if BM gives a shit about my kid or not. While it is true that I married my DH and he already had a kid, I have NO PROBLEM and NEVER have with him paying her what he was to pay her based on their agreement. My ONLY issue comes up when BM didn't do a freaking thing to help DH get a better career and I DID. I did for MY child, not so that she could continue having more kids and asking for more from US. Had DH stayed with BM, he'd be as big a loser as her current husband and they would ALL be living in a shithole just like she does today. The ONLY reason we ever got ahead was because of MY work, MY sacrifices so that DH could better himself and the fact that I don't get my nails, hair done every week, go shopping every day, buy 300USD purses, etc. So honestly, I could care less what happens to DHs kid because she has a crappy mother. Somehow though, his loser kid who didn't give a shit about our son, the BM made sure that she harrased DH and made him feel bad because HER MOTHER had 2 other kids to support. No, if she doesn't give a shit about my son, wether he eats or not, then I honestly don't give a shit if ANY of her kids don't eat because of her poor money managing skills.

I'm new to the site...and yes, I've been creeping around for a few days.

I have to say I feel much better about my thoughts as I read some of your comments. I cannot stand my SS's BM. I'm really not concerned with SS4 at this point (I haven't seen him in almost 2 years now and I've never met her in person,hooray!). We are planning to have a baby soon and if I have my way, which I will, she'll never lay her eyes upon any child of mine. She wouldn't dare have a comment or concern about the life we will provide for any children to come.

I'd rather BM not care about my kids. I've seen how she cares about her own.

i think if you are married to a man that is behind on support and have a child with him, you should EXPECT child support to catch up to him and be prepared for the financial hit. if you mindlessly "fall in love" and have kids with a deadbeat, your poor children WILL suffer. such children will suffer regardless due to stupid parents. bm has NO responsibility to subsequent children. her job is to care for her own and even if it means her ex and his current gf/wife/kids live under a bridge.

however...a man who has lived up to his cs obligations who has remarried and has children, and who has bettered himself BECAUSE to his current relationship...bm can take a flying leap. she is given child support in accordance with the financial situation they were in at the time of divorce. i do not believe she is entitled to more because the second marriage has improved their financial status. i know child support is intended to "level" households and to maintain support of the child as if the marriage were still in place (the exact opposite of what divorce is intended to do!), but i DO NOT agree with it. if dh had stayed married to bm, they would still be running from dump to dump because they couldn't afford rent, and THAT is the level of child support should stay at. the marriage is OVER, they are NOT entitled to further enrichment.

I think if it, by law, allows for decreasing CS based on a change in living circumstances (including subsequent kids), then there's really not much else to say. Same thing with when BM's and the skids standard of living increases, often it is allowed by law for an increase in CS. What's good for the goose is good for the gander.

I do believe on a personal level though, to have kids with someone means you need to be prepared for the possibility they may leave or die or something else might happen where the financial and emotional support of a partnership goes out the window. This is why it's so important to have the ability to raise a child on your own regardless of whether or not your have a partner. I don't believe anyone is entitled to anyone else's money unless it's voluntarily given, and I think if me and DH split up and he went on to have another child with someone else, I wouldn't begrudge them if my CS got lowered, nor would I go after more, regardless of how difficult it is for me. Likewise, unless DH got fired and his income decreased drastically, I wouldn't want him to go after a CS decrease--it isn't any more fair to the stepkid than it would be to our kid.

But if our living circumstances ever changed in which a decrease would occur, and if BM decided to take him back for an upward modification only to get a downward one, I wouldn't be upset either. She chose to try and get it modified, and he only gave them his current situation. If it wasn't in her favor, it's not his fault because he wasn't the one seeking a modification.

I really don't like the "well my kids came first" thing. All children are children to me. First or second or third or twentieth and unless they are truly evil, they all deserve consideration when we, the adults in their lives, make choices. Not that we rotate our lives around them, but to at least take them into consideration--the world is only so big, we are all connected in one way or another.

BM might not think so, but we are all connected to every living and nonliving thing around us, so it all deserves consideration. This is just IMHO.

I don't give a crap about my skids having or not having things. DH pays CS. Is it MY fault that BM can't get off her ass and get a decent job? They have food, clothing and a roof over their heads. As far as I'm concerned that is ALL that is required of DH to ensure. We take vacations because I have a good job and work to earn money to spend on things like that. We have a bigger house. Again, because I work. We have nicer cars, clothing and furniture. Again, because I work. She wants their kids to have designer clothes? She can get off her ass and contribute toward buying them. She wants to live in a nice house like mine? She can get off her ass and buy one. It's not solely up to the father to provide for his children, the BM is also supposed to contribute. The fact that we have a much better lifestyle than they do is because I work and contribute. He isn't keeping me in luxury while I sit on my ass.