Would it be really stupid to have another child?
Here's the low-down on our situation, and I realize you all aren't IN it so you can't say what is best for us but I would love to hear about your experiences here.
- We have SS5 every other week.
- We have SD8 every other week (the same week) from Sunday through Wednesday.
- My son with my DH is now 2.
- SS5 and SD8 share a room right now, I'm thinking eventually we'll let my son and SS5 share a room (but that I'm on the fence about too, as I kinda feel like maybe my son should have a room of his own if he lives with us full-time...anyway)
- DH works straight commission. Some months are good, some months are bad.
- I have a stable, 8-5 M-F job with some potential to earn more in the future but it kind of depends on where I want to go with the job
- We are pretty frugal, and do have a hard time making ends meet and paying off our debt. We are working on it, but I'll be honest, we're mostly paycheck to paycheck right now. BUT, there are areas I know we could cut back if we HAD to.
- We have a 3-bedroom house (hence the sharing of rooms), and our chances of buying a bigger house any time in the next 5 years is slim, because DH has only been at his commission job for a few months so far (bank told us he should be there for 2yrs to be approved).
- I have just started getting paid for some photography on the side, so I'm hoping that will start helping to supplement our income a little more and more as time goes on.
I had a little pregnancy scare last month, and after we realized it was a false alarm, I got kind of sad. I DO want another child, of my own. Not that I don't love my stepkids, but it is certainly a different type of a relationship that I have with them vs. my son. My thought is that yes, life would pretty much suck having to pay daycare for 2 kids (on top of the child support we pay of course!) for a few more years... BUT...we could do it, right? Other people do it, right? Is it dumb to go forward with having another baby if we're not sure HOW we'll afford it?? Once they're in school we should be okay...we could be super super super frugal for the next 5/6 years until the new baby is in school, right???
What about space? Will I go crazy, or will having the love for another child cancel that out? SS5 and BS2 could share a room... baby can stay in our room for quite awhile...we could maybe work out a little area in our family room for SD8 to have her own space too...
What about money, on the chance that DH only brings home a few bucks a month? What will we do!!??
I know I'm not ready RIGHT this second to get knocked up, but I want to entertain the thought. I'd rather have another child sooner than later.
So what I'd like to hear is anyone else's situation? I think about people who have "oops pregnancies" and really should never have been able to afford it (my own parents included) and I think "well THEY made it through! They survived! My sister and I turned out good!" 
I know that having another child would be financially strapping but I think there has got to be a way to make it work, right??? Please give me your thoughts.
- SteppingUp's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
We have a 3 bedroom house and
We have a 3 bedroom house and we have SD16, DD11 and BD4 that all live here fulltime. Its tight! Me and DH have BD4 together and thats our only child together. After she was born we had him fixed. There are many days that I regret that decision!! I guess at the time I was not thinking but I would have loved to have 2 children with my DH. I hate that its all scattered and everyone has a different mom or dad in this house. We live week to week and money is tight. If we did have a another child things would really be tight. But if people waited to have kids when money was great there would be far less children in this world!!
Do you have family around that can help with the kids? We basically have no one near us (my family is all in NY and his parents are assholes) so we rarely get any time alone.
But now that BD4 is getting older and will be starting Kindergarten in September, part of me is secretly happy that I will have some quiet time to myself for a couple of hours!!
And the thought of getting pregnant and fat all over again is not appealing to me!!
Man I am in a similar
Man I am in a similar situation and EXTREMELY on the fence. The fact that you have 2 skids that are there a LOT more than EOWd is a HUGE factor.. plus that DH is only on commission.. that is rough!
The sharing of rooms is a big factor for me, that that is probably my reason #2 for thinking we should be done with 1. (our BS is 2, SD is 5) Although SD hasnt been to our house in months (behavior issues, so he goes to see her for the day and they go to the park or whatever).. I dont like the idea of either of my FT bios having to share with her EOWd, when she does eventually start coming back over.
#1 is definitely financial. 2 kids in daycare is huge, thats more than our mortgage payment.
I dont know how much your CS is, but that really plays a part of finances, I am the main breadwinner for our household, and Ive always felt that BM will always get her share and whatever scrapings are left will feed our mouths and keep the heat on. Are your skids from different moms?
How does DH feel about the idea.? I feel like my DH is more no than yes most days to another baby.
Our situation with the skids
Our situation with the skids is complicated....to keep it short, SD8 is technically not my husband's daughter. She is my husband's former stepdaughter. We still take her since he raised her as his own (her bio dad wasn't in the picture for a few years, though now he is). So we don't pay anything for her for child support but we do have her 4 days EOW, basically to maintain a relationship with DH, she and my stepson have the same mom, just different dads.
We pay $480 in child support and we are eligible right now to get that reviewed and add in that we now have a child, which in our state does make a little bit of a difference in the child support. So if we have another child, we can review the child support again for that and drop it down a tad bit lower. A tad, meaning probably only about $30 a month less.
DH is totally in the same boat as I am. He definitely has enough love and affection in his heart for another child, and thinks often about how it'd be nice for our son to have a full sibling to be with all the time. He was also a little sad after my false alarm last month....
Wow defintely complicated,
Wow defintely complicated, but really when it comes down to it, good for him for maintaining that relationship... although he probably should be receiving CS from her real dad?? haha Yeah I know dream on..
480 isnt horrible, assuming that you feel that is reasonable.. Im now at a point where I feel that BMs CS isnt ridiculous.
DH and I need to be on the same page with the rooms, as he feels that if our future kid turned out to be another boy that theyd share a room, so a room would be free and empty for SD.. he can dream on, as I feel that FT bios come first, and she has her own room at her own house.
Are you and DH in agreement on that?
I think the space thing
I think the space thing depends on whether or not the new baby would be a boy or a girl for sure, and also on the sleeping issue. Our BS2 has been a notorious light sleeper so we are crossing our fingers that he will grow out of that and then it would probably be okay to have him sharing a room every other week. We'll see I guess! DH would probably do whatever I wanted in that situation.
imjustthemaid - Thanks for
imjustthemaid - Thanks for your input. I agree, it seems there really are a million excuses NOT to have a child - if everyone followed that there sure would be a lot less people in the world! I was the opposite of you, I LOVED being pregnant, had a pretty typical labor/delivery, etc. So that is definitely part of my wanting to do it again, for sure there is no holding back in that department. You did bring up something I forgot to mention - we live about 2 hrs away from DH's parents and they do try to help out when they can, when we need them. There is a potential we would move there but then of course our visitation with the skids would have to change nad I'm not sure how willing DH/BM would be with that. However, there's a CHANCE my mom would move here if I had another child. I would have to convince her. And probably build a mother-in-law apartment on our house. But, there is a chance.
And if she did, I'd totally be having another kid FOR SURE. Otherwise we do have friends we rely on here and there for help, that have kids also and we swap babysitting for nights out every few months.
Now that I am thinking of it,
Now that I am thinking of it, the reason DH got fixed so quickly was because I had a horrible delivery with BD4!! Terrible! I never wanted to go thru that again. Its funny because when I had DD11 it was easy and no problems. For some reason BD4 just did not want to come out Lol!! I hated being pregnant with her too. I felt like a house. I was so uncomfortable and fat. It felt like I was pregnant for years. With DD11 I barely even showed. I was 6 months pregnant in a bikini on the beach and no one believed I was pregnant!
Its funny too because DD11 was the best baby in the entire world. She loved to sleep and was always happy. BD4 was the most miserable baby in existence!! She hated sleeping, cried all the time and was never happy. I think that sealed our fate of no more children!!
Funny about the sleeping -
Funny about the sleeping - our son is awful. He has always struggled with sleeping through the night, and now we're onto the night terrors. This is the primary reason why DH says he wouldn't want another child - he says what if the other child is WORSE?! haha! However, our BS2 is the happiest boy ever, during the daytime....so for me that cancels out the night time stuff.
When DH and I decided to have
When DH and I decided to have our own baby when we already have his: SS13, and my three: DD12, DS10 and DS9, my thought was that I have NEVER heard of anyone saying they never wished they had a child with their partner but rather that they wish they had more children.
Well... I kind of need to take that back as I actually DO hear that on this site, just not IRL>
I agree, most people I've
I agree, most people I've heard have said they regret not having more. Except on here...
I think everything in the family dynamic is just HARDER when it's a blended/step family, period.
Wish I had an experience to
Wish I had an experience to share with you. I was dreaming just reading the post. All anyone ever told me, was if you wait until the time is right/you can afford it that it will never happen. I think that as long as you both are happy even while living paycheck to paycheck, then why not?
My thoughts are that having
My thoughts are that having another child would effectively cause a reason to take SD8 less...I think she would actually somewhat make that decision herself even, knowing that there's not enough space at our house, not as much attention given to her, etc.
BM holds the cards in this situation...yes, she's not our kid, we could say we aren't taking her anymore, period. But DH is emotionally invested in her and wouldn't want to break her heart - BM would blame us and make us out to be the bad guys. BM holds the cards with biodad as well by manipulating him saying "you weren't there for her for the first 4 years of her life, so you don't get to decide."
Well, call me jaded... but my
Well, call me jaded... but my criteria for more kids is this: Can I support them and myself, by myself? IF the answer is yes, then go for it. If the answer is no, then probably not.
I doubt that after XH and the horrible toll this has taken on my children that I will ever risk putting a child through that again.
In my opinion (remember just
In my opinion (remember just my opinion), I would not do it. I would not have a child when I was in a place where I was not sure whether or not I could afford the financial burden. If I were you I would take a completely logical standpoint about this and make a pros and cons sheet or ask myself basic questions about my situation and what exactly I could handle. A few questions like: When you get pregnant could you afford the medical bills and medication? Could you handle and the have the finances to back yourself if something went wrong anytime during you pregnancy or delivery (preeclampsia, premature birth, etc.)? Can you afford daycare after the child is born? If one of you gets laid off during this time do you have enough in your saving to back you up long enough to find new work or family support? Will you still be able to afford child support?- Just suggestions but those are the ones I would start with.
Many will tell you that if you wait there will never be a right time to have children, honestly I think it's a load of crap and I wouldn't use it to make a decision as serious as this. And hell maybe I'm wrong. I will say this though, there are a lot of wrong times to have children. Doubting your ability to be able to afford them is one of them. As I said above I would seriously sit down and think about my situation and the pros and cons of any decision that could be made.
-Best of luck to you
Thanks for all the responses,
Thanks for all the responses, I appreciate it. We won't be running out to the love shack any time soon with intentions to have a baby, but I do want to spend some more time thinking about it over the next few months. I see just from these responses most people are either black or white on the subject...yes or no.. not sure how much help it was but I do appreciate the reality some of you expressed here. Thanks!
Glad you got a lot of
Glad you got a lot of comments as well. Im very on the fence for myself. Its very much in the grey area, but I do think Ill regret it much more by not than by braving the waters ahead and just jumping in full blast. Another reason why I should have listened and not gotten with a man that already had a kid... life wouldnt be so complicated.
Yeah, I think about that too
Yeah, I think about that too -- I often think, "Why should I put my own life on hold just because I have step children?" If it weren't for them, damn straight, I'd be having another child of my own! And then I think, BM has two kids of her own, and really shouldn't, because she really didn't want to have kids. Why should I be the one to sacrifice everything for her kids and choose not to have my own children because of them!? And if I WANT to have more children, why should the thought of HER kids stop me?
And then the brain comes in and says "Youuuu can't affoordddd it..." haha