King Henry Made an Ugly Appearance at Dinner Last Night

I’ve really been trying hard not to let things bother me as much. When I need to vent, I come here. When I need to really discuss something with FDH, I am trying to have more calm, productive conversations. But last night King Henry/ FDH pushed me over the edge.

I was in a great mood yesterday afternoon, despite the stupid email from Catherine of Aragon about SD11’s therapist issues. I vented here and let it go. I took an amazing long walk on the beach and rode my bike. I cooked a delicious meal for us, which is kind of a big deal as I don’t cook often.

(Continued in the comments)

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We happily sit down to dinner

We happily sit down to dinner and the following conversation unravels:

FDH- I was looking at the map today. We really aren’t far from the islands. We really need to go to the Bahamas or the Virgin Islands

Me- That would be GREAT! We’ve never been on a trip like that together.

FDH- Yeah, we should do that

Me- Actually, we have that free cruise your Mom gave us. We should do that near your birthday this summer.

FDH- That’s to Mexico.

Me- OK. That’s great, right?

FDH- yeah.

FDH- Did I tell you I was watching CBS Sunday Morning with SD14 the other day and they had a story about the Holocaust Museum in DC?

Me- (confused) Um, no. What does that have to do with our cruise?

FDH- Oh nothing… SD14 was saying how she’d really like to visit DC. Have you ever been?

Me- Yes, I love it there.

FDH- We really should take the kids there this summer

Me- Um, well… sweetheart, we are getting ready to move and I can’t imagine how we can afford that any time soon.

FDH- We can do it cheaply, use Hilton points for the hotel rooms. Just drive up.

Me- Even if we do that, it will still cost us an arm and a leg in gas, food, tickets to things. We are a large group of people

FDH- Maybe we just go for a few days then drive up to NH to visit your family

Me- Ummmm…. With SD11’s “social anxiety”, are we just going to leave her in the hotel room while we tour Washington DC?

FDH- (pissed) I don’t think you are trying to be funny. I am not sure why you just had to say that

Me- Seriously, Henry. We can’t get her to leave the house for an hour on the weekends without a massive fight. Do you really think she’s in a good place to take her on a trip to tour the nation’s capital for a few days then go be sociable at my family’s home?

FDH- Oh, I am talking longer term. Like around Christmas. We can go to DC and then go see your family

Me- (At this point, I am trying hard not to flip out but the anger is rising) I don’t really like to go there in the winter, it’s too cold. I like to visit there in the summer when it’s beautiful. (he knows this)

FDH- But don’t you want to ski?

Me- You KNOW that I don’t ski

FDH- Yes, but you could

Me- One, I don’t want to. Two, Where are you getting all this money for skiing lessons, lift tickets and rentals for the whole family after we just toured DC and moved to a new house????

FDH- ummmm.

Me- I seriously don’t understand how our free cruise to Mexico just turned into you taking your kids on a f’ing expensive SKI TRIP!!???!

FDH- ummmm. It’s not that…

Me- (throwing my meat scraps from my plate into my dog’s bowl signaling that I am done with dinner and this conversation)

FDH- You get so mad over nothing! Why are you upset??

Me- (walking my plate to the sink) This isn’t “nothing”. Look, you take your damn kids on a ski trip without me. I will go on my own stupid vacation!

FDH- (King Henry picks up his dinner plate with two hands and SLAMS it into the table shattering it. Of course it was one from MY set of plates) I am SO sick you doing this to me!!!!

Me- (Walking away quickly with my scared dog at my heels, headed into my office to get away before I threw the toaster or something at his head) I am so sick of you doing this to ME!!!

Now, before you freak out about his violent act, you have to know that he really is the most gentle person and he’s never ever done anything remotely like that before. I really do think he just lost it. Regardless, I left the room.

After a few minutes I realized I left my phone in the kitchen and walked in to see him sweeping up the broken dish. He put the broom down and came over and tried to hug. I told him I was really upset and that I was in no mood for this and I needed to be left alone for a while to calm down. I went back into my office.

About 30 minutes later he came in and sat down on the couch and profusely apologized. He said that he realized that I was continuously trying to end the conversation about a kid vacation and he kept pushing me and then was overwhelmed with frustration when I got mad about it. He honestly did not understand why I was getting upset.

I explained to him that 1- We were having a nice kid-free dinner where we were pleasantly starting to talk, for the first time ever, about a proper vacation for the two of us and he immediately turned that into a discussion about an expensive trip for his kids. It was not the right time to bring that up as I get frustrated that nothing can ever just be about us. It always turns to the kids. 2- We are getting ready to move and I fear I will be stuck with the expense of that. He never has money for us to do anything, including things we need to do like move, because every last dime is spent on the kids. 3- I am sitting here with no engagement ring or wedding date. He should be thinking about nothing but saving money for those things but he’s focusing on taking his kids on a trip instead. 4- I feel like everything in my life is always being placed on hold or cut out altogether because he and his ex-wife decided to have too many kids. I can’t have a baby with him because he has too many kids. I can’t go on vacation because he has too many kids. I can’t plan a wedding, etc… I told him that I am tired of it and I deserve to have a normal life.

He told me that he feels inadequate to both his kids and me. He feels bad they haven’t been on a vacation for several years. (I reminded him he’s NEVER taken me on a vacation other than me tagging along on business trips). He wishes he could do more for everyone, including me. I think I made him understand that I am sympathetic to that and totally understand why he’d want to take his kids on vacation. But I am not taking my son on a vacation because I am focusing on our household right now. Why is it fair that our funds go to his kids’ enjoyment instead of what we need for our home and relationship? I really think I may have gotten through to him. But we shall see….

He needs to talk about

He needs to talk about feeling inadequate with someone OTHER than you. My DH has the same problem. I cannot constantly reassure him that he's good enough without it costing me. Everytime he brings it up I just feel put-upon because I no longer feel like I can express any displeasure with him at all. He needs someone outside your family, and your relationship, that he can talk to about these things before he talks to you. Otherwise he's putting you in the same unhappy situation over and over again.

Also, thinking before talking would be a big step, but that's asking a lot of most DHs I think.

Hopefully you have someone

Hopefully you have someone like Thomas More in your life. Call them up sometimes and ask them to go for walks with you.

I'm sorry, Anne. I posted

I'm sorry, Anne. I posted this in WishIKnew's blog but it applies here as well today.
I hear ya. I went to bed and woke up pissed the f*ck off at dh. And why? I'm not even sure. All of the enormous stress he and his "custody" fiasco have put me thru are taking its toll. It just seems it is always take, take, take from him. I actually sat here this morning, speaking to my mother, and had the staunch realization that nothing, nada, zilch has changed from my first marriage to this one, with the exception of the players, the scenerio is the same. With my first I did ALL the work. Kids, housework, worked part-time, etc. Which I was fine doing, seeing as my first was, if nothing else, a very good provider $ money wise and I basically worked from home. But now, now I do all of that again, and work full-time outside the home. And dh is no where near the provider my douchebag ex was. DH is incabable of making a sacrifice, unless it's for ss or bm. Then he'd cut out his liver for one of them. I have been trying to mentally calculate what will happen to us financially should horseface win full custody in court and modify cs. I can't work three jobs! And I certainly will NOT work to pay for her. My kids get NOTHING from their bio-dad. NO cs! So if she wins, I'd like to know where dh thinks the money is going to come from. I think he needs to be thinking about a second job. I am so frustrated. I don't know how I got myself here and all I want is out. It's too much for anybody.
It's all about dh and "his". When is it ever about me and mine? Uh, never. Unless I take a stand and make it about US.

I just read that comment and

I just read that comment and identified with it a lot. I forgot to say above that I also pointed out to him that when he was talking about this big family vacation, he was thinking the two of us plus his 4 kids. I know for a damn fact that it wasn't even on his mind that maybe my son (22) would like to go. It just makes me crazy that he never even thinks of him yet every damn thing in my life is supposed to revolve around his family. It's maddening, I tell you.

I really wish these guys would get it. If you make it about "us" first then we are likely to want to do things for their kids.

I just realized when I pasted

I just realized when I pasted this into the comments that key pieces were missing because I screwed something up. Now, it's fixed and you can see the full picture

Thats what I hate. It will

Thats what I hate. It will never be just about the two of you...........it will ALWAYS come back to having to be about them at some point. ALWAYS. They will NEVER GO AWAY.....................

Anne, I hope Henry gets the

Anne, I hope Henry gets the picture now. I would not be with someone who made it all about him and his kids. When he says he feels bad his kids have never had a vacation then he needs to work out why not. Vacations are saved for. So if he cut back on the treats and indulgences like ice cream because they WAAANNNTTT it or the latest *whatever* because they WWAANNTT it then he CAN have those vacations with his kids.

You can have anything you want in the world. The only thing stopping you is yourself and your situation. So Henry needs to change the situation and dream. HE wants to take the kids on a cruise? It will cost xxx dollars so he may start saving and limit Christmas and birthday gifts to $20. Set up a travel bank account. He has to learn to be more circumspect and clear headed.So it takes him 3 yrs to save up. Are his kids worth it in his eyes? Mine are. That is if he really WANTS to take them on vacation. }:)

That's exactly how I feel. If

That's exactly how I feel. If it is important to him to take the kids on vacation, set up a savings account for that. But don't tell me you can't afford to help pay for the movers and then suddenly have money for a vacation for your kids. I was just trying to explain to him that it's not a good time financially but he refused to see it. (He later said I made excellent points and that I was absolutely right about that).

BTW- The kids have had wonderful vacations. It's just been a few years. AND, we live in a area where other people come to vacation. They never even leave the house to go to the beach or to see the historic sites (one of them does but not the others). We live here, and pay more to do so, because we want them to have a nice lifestyle. It IS vacation here.

Often they deliberately avoid

Often they deliberately avoid reality because it interferes with their desire to assuage their guilt for leaving their children. Then they get really resentful when you burst their bubble. No matter how sensible and practical your response it, you are the person coming between them and feeding the guilt. Try calculating the cost of the airy fairy budget trip to DC for 6 people, it's a lot harder to argue with actual numbers.