What I learned about him:

This might seem insignificant at first glance but it’s not. FDH was telling me how he was in his 30s before he figured out that everyone didn’t have ice cream or some other dessert every single night of their lives. Now, that’s pretty hilarious. But it makes sense because his mother always had dessert at his house then he spent the rest of his youth in boarding school and then at a frat house where dessert was always served. So, he carried that into adulthood and never thought about it. It wasn’t until a business dinner when he made a comment that astounded everyone at the table. That’s when he learned that many/most people consider dessert a special treat which he thought was insane.

My reaction? “OMG, that explains so much. I never understood why you always made sure to get ice cream or something for the kids when they come. I seriously thought you were being a guilty dad and tying to make everything ever so special for your kids when they come. I seriously would get annoyed when you asked me if I’d picked up ice cream at the store. In my family, we had dessert maybe once a week unless it was a special occasion. I associate desserts with rewards and/or something you do when you want to make dinner extra special. I had no idea you were just doing this because that’s what you still think is normal for you. “
Seriously, here I was this whole time thinking he was spoiling his kids when it had zero to do with Disney Dadding. I just didn’t understand this about him.

What he learned about me:

The conversation later turned to my exes. Now, if you’ve read my blog you know I raised my son completely alone and was mostly single (with some exceptions) for the better part of my adult life until I met FDH at age 39. I have some funny ex and guys-I-dated stories and every so often, FDH will bring one of them up. (It’s never uncomfortable for either of us and rarely comes up). He asked me to give him a couple examples of what I learned from people I dated.
I talked about the guy from Spain who taught me that despite the fact that I am smart and strong, that I realized I really dig romance, affection, etc.. and that part of the reason I love FDH is that he does things like kiss my hand and all up and down my arm and neck, a lot.
Then, I was illustrating how I learned that I needed maturity in a man by discussing the guy I was briefly engaged to and lived with when my son was a pre-schooler. I was under so much family and societal pressure to get married while my son was still young that I made a very bad choice in my then fiancé. He was a really nice guy who loved me and my son but was just plain wrong. Amongst other things, he was a comic book addict (ok for others, not for me), he had no boundaries with his parents, he was TERRIBLE with money (spending electric bill money on comic books, bouncing checks all the time, etc….) The story I told was about our final break-up moment when I had to separate him and my three year old because they were arguing over my son’s toys as if they were both the same age. I can be quite a story-teller sometimes so I was describing how I was sitting there watching this and finally had it, in specific detail including exactly what I said to him as I kicked him out of the house that day.

Suddenly, FDH looks at me and says “OMG. I see it now! You are someone who says to yourself ‘I don’t have to effin’ do this!’ You have never just gone along with what you think you are supposed to do. Everyone was pressuring you to marry this guy and you finally had enough one day and said ‘I’m not effin’ doing it!!’ You then went on to raise your kid alone, date people when you wanted, work on your career etc… but you never signed up for things just because society or family or whatever told you that you were supposed to do so. WOW. You simply decide sometimes that you don’t have to effin’ do something and you don’t. You totally could’ve gotten married to him or someone else if you’d wanted to. But you decided you weren’t settling for what people told you was right. It had to be right for you. Oh my god. You have no idea how lucky I am to have you. You weren’t that picky your whole life just so you could end up settling. Now, I finally understand you. You must look around at all this craziness….kids…ex-wife…financial stuff and think ‘I don’t know if I am going to keep effin doing this’, don’t you??”

All I could do is smile and say, “You got it, baby.”

He finally understands a very fundamental thing about me. We will see where this leads us as now he has it in his head that my threats weren’t idle when I got uber pissed and told him I was thinking about moving out. He now gets the idea that I am damn serious when I say something like that and will totally go on with my life. He now knows I am not settling for his BS any more than I settled for any BS any other man threw my way. This outta be interesting.
Anyone else ever have those A-Ha moments with your partners?