I think we're making progress.

Friday night I was pretty ecstatic. The three of us went out for a quick bite...my husband, my sd11, and me. We walked into the restaurant and slid into a booth, me on one side and she on the other. My husband had to go to the bathroom. She scooted all the way to the far side of her seat to make room for him. I did the same. And he sat with me! He was very attentive, holding my hand and squeezing my knee to see me squirm (very ticklish). He actually said out loud, "Are you sure you want me to sit next to you?" which I think pissed her off. She pouted for a little while. I gave her some quarters and she went to play games. Then she came back and started whining about the teeny tear in her shoes and saying how she needed some more. My husband told her to ask her mother. She said she had asked her mother and her mother said her dad would buy them for her. He again told her to ask her mother for new shoes. So she went back to pouting. But all in all, it wasn't a bad evening, at least for me.

I was so happy...came back here and posted an update in my forum post about this. I thought things were solved. I was wrong...

Saturday morning we went to breakfast. My husband suggested a table, so we walked to the table. I went to my seat and she stood at the seat next to me. I thought she had decided to sit next to me, which was not my choice but ok, fine. So he and I sat down and she walked around the table and sat next to him. I was pissed.

Looking back, it probably wasn't his fault, except that he put up with it. I almost left the restaurant. After we ordered, I half stood and told him I was going to the store across the parking lot to get some Tylenol for my headache. He really objected...said we'd go after breakfast. So I ate really quickly and then went to the bathroom for a good 10 minutes while I got my son on the phone. Then I told him I'd be outside and I stood out there and talked to my son until they came out, which was about 5 minutes later.

Continued in comments...

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So he and I sat down and she

So he and I sat down and she walked around the table and sat next to him. I was pissed.
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Confused....are you saying that he was sitting in his seat and you were on one side and she was on the other side and there was an empty seat infront of him? If so...I just don't see the big deal with that. Surely that is not the issue right?

No...the table was set up

No...the table was set up with two seats on one side and two seats on the other. She ended up in the seat right next to him, as usual. Might as well been in a booth.

Anyway...continued... I

Anyway...continued...

I developed a migraine. My migraines are triggered by stress and he knows it. We went to a cookout at a friend's house. He never left my side, but I was sick all day and couldn't wait to get home. Actually had to leave early. When I finally got the pain under control, we had another long talk. He apologized several times. Said he just "forgot" to be careful how we were seated and it wouldn't happen again. We talked about priorities and marriage and so on. He doesn't like to talk. He just wants to get on with life. I wanted him to understand my point of view, but I don't think he quite got anything except that I was unhappy and he hates it when I'm mad at him.

So we'll see if that's enough to make him change his actions. We are supposed to have her again next weekend. My husband was happy to have her at Easter, but she told him she wanted to spend Easter with her mom. Her mom's family is probably celebrating together. With sd, it is all about what is the best deal for her. I hated that she hurt my husband's feelings, but it sure would be nice to NOT have her next weekend.

Ok...gotcha. I think I would

Ok...gotcha. I think I would have told her to move. Or maybe you just should have sat by him in the first place...

SD14 did this shit to me all

SD14 did this shit to me all the time too. Whenever DH would slack off by allowing her to sit in my spot, I'd stand there looking at her until she said "What?" and then I'd tell her "My seat, there's one right there for you, move". And of course, DH would look all guilty when SD would move and then pout.

Fuck that shit. These kids are so coddled and spoiled that there was no way I was taking a back seat (pun intended) to a brat!

Fortunately that's one

Fortunately that's one boundary that SS respects. SO and I always sit together. Maybe this is more of a SD thing?

Yeah, a mini wife SD thing!

Um, nope! SS13 does this too.

RedWings, if I could have

RedWings, if I could have even 1/4 of your chutzpah. I admire you.

Trust me Onefootout, I

Trust me Onefootout, I haven't always had my Detroit Attitude. My ex almost beat it out of me but I got it back when I left him. I don't take second place to anyone. I do not put up with bullshit any longer and I always speak my mind. If someone doesn't like it - fuck 'em. I don't give a fuck!

That's my mantra - IDGAF

I guess I wasn't expecting

I guess I wasn't expecting the outright manipulation. But you're right. This shouldn't be all on my husband's shoulders. Next time I will ask him where he's sitting and insist on sitting next to him.

Your relationship is still

Your relationship is still new to SD, she's feeling defensive and insecure about her place in her Dad's life. As long as your DH is attentive and affectionate towards you, even when SD is around, I think you should try and rise above, at least for a bit longer. Your husband sounds like a good dad who dotes on you, but if he gets to feeling that you're both thinking 'sit next to meeeee sit next to meee' any time you go out he's going to run out of patience, and there's a danger that because you're the adult he's going to run out of patience with you first. If you don't rise to it and get competitive she may stop feeling the need. Some stepmums on here find that their partner panders to his children to such an extent that he won't even be affectionate when they're around for fear of hurting their feelings, so you're doing comparatively well. I know it's annoying though.

I have thought about that,

I have thought about that, and I have been rising above for the past year and a half, but it doesn't seem to be wearing off. It did get better for a little while, then BM and step-dude broke up and now sd is worse than ever.

The thing is, I've held it inside so long I feel like it is exploding everywhere. I can't deal with it anymore. It is making me sick at the thought of her coming over.

No...we have to fix this. I can't deal with it any longer. Otherwise I can see myself leaving every weekend (cause she doesn't just come on "her" weekends).

SO Katie - DON'T deal with it

SO Katie - DON'T deal with it any longer. Take your rightful place and put her in hers.

Mmm ok, 18 months is a long

Mmm ok, 18 months is a long time to be silently fighting over who sits where, so letting her continue at this point may well just encourage her to get entrenched in the Daddy hogging. At least your DH seems to be supportive about addressing it.

Seating was and is always

Seating was and is always such a problem in my house with SD!! When SD was 10, she always had to sit next to daddy. If we were at a restaurant and he was following the waitress, she would literally push me out of the way to make sure she was walking behind him so she could sit next to him first. So I would just sit across from him figuring it was easier to talk to him anyway. At home if DH sat on the couch, SD would squeeze in so she was next to him. She would literally stalk the couch waiting for someone to get up and get a drink or go to the bathroom. It was so annoying!!

Now at age 16 she still does the shit at the restaurants. Now I tell DH ahead of time to keep his evil child away and I am sitting next to him so he makes her move but it took years to get to this. Luckily for me, we rarely go out to dinner with her these days. If we are at the restaurant and DH gets up to go to the bathroom she follows behind and pretends she has to go too. Its so annoying!!!

On our very first trip together (SD was 10) we get to the hotel room and SD puts her stuff down and asks daddy which bed is theirs!! THEIRS!! Ha! She thought she was sleeping with daddy at the hotel and I was sleeping in the other bed with my DD. Didn't happen!!

I did tell DH right in front

I did tell DH right in front of her that he needed to teach her how to cut up a pancake, since she is almost 12. He cut up half of it and then made her cut up the rest. Then the next day, I made her cut up her own steak before she even got a chance to come off with the sickly sweet, six year old's voice, "Daaadddyy... will you cut up my steak???"

So little by little my inner redneck is making an appearance. (I do come by it honestly, as I was raised on an Appalachian hillside.) Next time we all go out, I am just going to take him by the hand and lead him to the seat next to me.

Gonna take my seat next to him on the boat, as well, which was going to be my next big battle. When we're out as a couple, I sit next to him while he drives. When she's with us, it's, "Daadddyy...can I sit next to you???"

NOPE. MY boat, MY seat. DONE with it.

"Next time we all go out, I

"Next time we all go out, I am just going to take him by the hand and lead him to the seat next to me." GREAT idea!!! that way if it doesnt cross his mind, it still wont turn into a bad situation with u feeling like a third wheel. if u do it over and over and over again, eventually (hopefully!!) both him and SD will just get into the habit of it and not even think twice.

but i do think that's a fantastic way to approach it - no nagging, no comments like 'sit by meeee', u just make the action happen without giving any other option beforehand. love it!

^^^Yup! SD14 was exactly the

^^^Yup! SD14 was exactly the same at 12. MAJOR baby. Couldn't take out a trash bag and put a new one in the bin (it's TOO hard, she'd whine) or cut her food up "Daddddddy, I like when YOU do it for me"... :sick:

I came along and precious princess had to do some things she never dreamed she'd have to do. Like, oh, ummm, tie her own fucking shoes! or sit ACROSS from dear daddy at the dinner table instead of on his LAP!

I had to tell DH to step back

I had to tell DH to step back and look at it this way - did his parents cut up his food at age 12? Did they help him take the trash out and put another bag in the bin? Did they foster his independence or hinder it?

Once he looked at it from that perspective, the light bulb went off and he started putting his foot down. When SD would say she couldn't do something or didn't know how, he'd say "Figure it out, you're 12 not 2".

I know, right? I remember

I know, right? I remember telling my kids it was my job to teach them how to do things, not do them for them. My dd could cook an entire meal by the time she was 12, and do a damn good job of it.

Exactly! My DD15 is SO much

Exactly! My DD15 is SO much more mature and independent that SD who is only 6 mos younger. DD looked at me all cross-eyed like "WTF" when SD asked DH to cut her food up for her. I just shook my head as he took the knife and went "Well, DH, be sure you get each piece small enough so precious doesn't CHOKE like a little baby"...

LOL - my OH still cuts the

LOL - my OH still cuts the ends off SS9's sausages - kid won't eat a normal meal - has to have sausages in bread for tea, but can't eat the ends??? WTF is that about, but anyways, we get "dadddeeeeee, CUT the ends off!" And he does it! OMFG - these days I just turn away in disgust. My 7yo DD eats salad, baked potatoes and cuts her own freakin' sausages!!

We too have the battle for seating, usually it's the sofa though. I have my spot, OH has his spot (next to me thank you very much) and my dd's sit on the other 3 seater sofa. When the skids are they one or the other is always sprawled in my spot and over Daddddeeeeee.

I just stand there right on top of them til they move. Some days I just get the look - others they hop right up.

Get it in the car too. Many times one or the other will just walk straight to the front seat!!! Seriously kid? I walk up behind them and thank them for opening my door as I climb in.... ]:)

^^^^LMAO cuz I relate so

^^^^LMAO cuz I relate so well. SD14 was sooooo much like this. Still is for all I know.

Anyway, I made us all breakfast for dinner once and she literally burst into tears because I told her to cut her own crusts off the bread if she didn't want to eat it. She glanced at dear daddy, pushed her plate toward him and said "You do it". I glared at him like "If you DARE, I will cut your balls off with that butter knife". He said, "Honey, you know how, you do it or eat the crust". She grabbed her toast and RIPPED the crusts off and threw them away and pouted the rest of the night. HA.

The thing about the car seat is so familiar too! SD opened the passenger side of my hubby's Explorer and I said Thank you! And she said "For what?" and I said "For opening my door for me!" She got a nasty look on her face and said "I was planning to sit there, that's MY seat" and I just shook my head, gave her the most pitiful look and said all sweetly "No, honey, that is MY seat, so you need to sit in the back like a good little girl". Of course, that set off another crying jag where dear daddy felt like he was in the middle.

OMG! Thank you for posting

OMG!
Thank you for posting this. At 12 my SS couldn't even butter his own toast and last December he asked DW to cut his pork chops for him. People think I am lying or exagerating when I mention these incidents but the fact of the matter is, these kids have been coddled and entitled for so long they don't have any self-help skills.

Oh yes, I could go on for

Oh yes, I could go on for DAYS about shit stepdevil "couldn't" do (in reality, she could do it all just fine, just preferred to have her dadddyyyyyyy do it for her).

I know, right? My mouth just

I know, right? My mouth just fell open the first time she told me she didn't know how to "cook" her own microwave popcorn or heat up a can of spaghetti-o's. Then I find out he still makes her plate and cuts up her meat!?! I am constantly shaking my head in bewilderment. I mean, how do you go through life for almost 12 years and not know how to do the most basic of things? Not long ago I had to blow dry her hair because she didn't know how. I pointed the hair dryer at her head, turned it on, and moved it around a little...said, "That's how you blow dry your hair." I tried to hand it to her but she refused to try. I think a lot of it is an act. Or maybe laziness...I don't know. I just know I am so OVER it.

There is a list out there

There is a list out there that lists all the chores, self-help tasks that any child should be able to do. It's a good parenting guide. I looked at it and according to the list, my SS can only do the things on this list that someone half his age can do. Sad really.

LMAO - Yes!! I've checked

LMAO - Yes!! I've checked over the list regarding the skids (never showed it to OH though, why start another fight about them) My kids are well on their way to healthy independence, his - act like freaking 5 year olds.

SD12 started High School this year and does Home Ec (cooking) but has to wait for daddy to get up on the weekend to make her breakfast (my kids get there own unless they know I am planning a family b'fast) when I pointed this out to him he was like "oh she can't do it for herself she might burn herself, she's just a kid! She doesn't know how!" I said "um she's 12 nearly 13, she's taking cooking at school and made cheese soufflé last week so I think basic breakky isn't beyond her skils, and if she doesn't know how to boil an egg surely at this stage your job is to TEACH her how not do it for her?? Will you be popping over to her house when she's 28 and still cooking for her?" SS9 can't even make toast, OH was horrified that I laughed when SS9 said that, I thought he was joking to get out of making his own LOL

He (OH) thinks his kids are still little babies who aren't capable and gets annoyed at me for expecting more (say oh normal behaviours for their ages) when he said this I pointed out that *I* have more faith in his kids than he does obviously, because I think they are more than capable of doing a lot of things he doesn't think they can do, I told him he is holding them back and if he truly wants well adjusted capable independent adult offspring he needs to pull his finger out and start teaching them how to be that.

Getting there, we have now together taught the SD how to boil AND poach her own eggs, and he has stopped cleaning their rooms and making their beds! THAT is a story to treasure too.

I expect my girls (younger 2 - dd10 and dd7) to make their beds and clean up their own messes and rooms. Do they always do it? No, they are kids. But if they don't then the bed goes unmade and isn't nice to get into that night. And the room stays messy, and they can't find stuff, and they get embarrassed when friends come over etc. And they gradually LEARN to do these things because they like it better clean and tidy.

OH makes his kids beds, and cleans their rooms for them. I called him out on it one day and said quite apart from the lessons they aren't learning about how they are responsible for themselves you are being unfair to my kids - his response was perhaps MY kids would think his kids did their beds and rooms themselves and would want to be more like his kids and do it for themselves?

I am sure you could have heard the resultant explosion from where most of you ladies are (I am in Australia)

After I calmed down, and much debate his kids rooms are now messy with unmade beds until THEY get the message that it's THEIR job not daddy's.

Perhaps he can also plan an

Perhaps he can also plan an occasional special 'daddy/SD' outing, just the two of them
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^^Be careful with that one though as it came back to bite DH in the ass. When he and BM were still an intact family, BM always worked Saturdays so it was just DH and SD together all day. He made the mistake of calling it "Daddy/daughter Day" and continued it every Saturday after he and BM split.

Well, since SD knew that he was now guilty daddy that would give in to whatever her desire was, she turned Daddy/Daughter day into a HUGE deal. If he wasn't taking her to an amusement park, it was the mall for some new stuff, or out to lunch AND dinner (it was an all-day affair, remember?), always buying her something and catering to whatever she wanted.

He continued this through our first year of being together until SD didn't get her wish of us NOT moving forward with our relationship and moving in together. Then it was "Daddy, you don't ever want to do anything with me anymore, because of RWF" and it was "daddy, our daddy/daughter time SUCKS because you don't buy me stuff anymore" (he was saving for my engagement ring so he cut back big time on the spending with her every single Saturday). It became such a big deal that he pick her up at 10AM and drop her back off at BM's at 10PM every Saturday (except when she was staying at our place), that he was becoming super stressed about it.

OMG. I have this issue with

OMG. I have this issue with SD11. Come to think of it, what issue do I NOT have with her? tee hee. But seriously, it annoys the crap out of me with the seating thing. She always has to be next to him. He's gotten better about catching it before it happens but I can tell he feels guilty. The funny part is that he never seems to feel guilty that he never sits next to his other kids. Always her.

I'm in the minority. I love

I'm in the minority. I love it when DH's kid sits next to him. Then I get a ton of room instead of being squashed to one side.

In my situation......she can have the seat next to her Dad. I get all of the breathing room. }:)

i think the op will

i think the op will eventually get here once she feels that her dh is actually treating her as his wife and his daughter as his daughter. it happened to me, too (with ss) and now i could care less where he sits. sill have to remind ss occasionally that no, he doesn't get to sit up front in the car when i'm with them, but i think he just forgets.

She doesn't need new shoes.

She doesn't need new shoes. Her shoes are perfectly fine. One of the top seams is torn about 1/2 inch, but it is not torn all the way through. It is in an area that is black so you can't even see the tear and there are multiple layers underneath so it's not really a hole.

The week before this "tear" occurred, we were at a store and her dad went to the bathroom. SD found a pair of shoes she wanted and started nagging me for them. I told her we weren't buying shoes right now. She tried to mention shoes to her dad but he brushed her off and walked on through the store.

Then miraculously, her nearly new Nikes tore that week. Imagine that? What a coincidence, right?

I agree, DH should call BM and tell her where to get off. She has no right to tell us to spend extra money on SD. We are only obligated to child support. Everything else is out of the goodness of our hearts.

You know, my kids stopped

You know, my kids stopped fighting over "who sits where" when they hit ages in the double digits.

Can you please tell me WHY this is such a big deal to you? I didn't comment when I first read this because my comment wouldn't have been very nice.
Now, all I can think is...how incredibly immature. It's like, why not just piss on your DH and "claim him" as yours?

Blech. She's a kid. Model by behavior. At this rate, she'll turn out like you...so insecure about her place and her relationships that she needs to resort to crying over who sits by her to feel "loved." SMH.

So why are you commenting

So why are you commenting now? Cause it's still not very nice.

As I've said before, I am new to this whole stepparenting thing. I do not understand many things I'm feeling or why I'm feeling the way I do. I just know it is making me unhappy. The best way I can describe it is that it makes me feel excluded. My husband and I are together through the week and we sit next to each other and walk together and talk together. Then on the weekend (cause she comes over MOST weekends) I feel cast aside.

I am not asking him to stop showing attention to his daughter. I am asking him to include me by his side so that WE can show her attention together.

I'm with you on this one SAF.

I'm with you on this one SAF. This seems so immature and pointless to me. Who cares if your DH sits next to his CHILD at a restaurant? So silly to me to be looking for problems when there are none.

My SD used to insist on sitting next to me when she was younger. It was a big deal and she would always save a seat for me. I always thought it was cute. I wouldn't have minded if she always wanted to sit near her dad who she only sees EOW either.

I was a new SM at one point too and I remember very well how insecure I felt and how uncomfortable I was in certain situations. But stuff like this seems so petty when there could be a lot of worse things going on.

I think some people here get

I think some people here get the wrong impression that our annoyance with the step-kid's behaviour doesn't stem from jealousy but from witnessing a pattern of behavior that we know is not good for the child's well being and maturity AND that our SO's not only do nothing to correct this bad behavior but seem to encourage it.

Kids love their parents and want to cuddle with them. We get that. What we don't get is entitling/coddling a child to the point where their social skills are clearly stunted.

My DW was not just a mother to my SS but his Geisha. That is just wrong. No matter how much I spoke to my DW about it, the more she failed to see it. Parents of divorces feel this need to "overcompensate" their children's needs for attention and the more attention a parent gives, the more the child falls into the role of the "needy child". It's a viscious cycle.

I want to say thank you to

I want to say thank you to most of you who commented. From your advice I have realized that I am going to have to start dealing with sd myself or I am going to drive my husband crazy. I think I already started somewhat with the pancake thing (which is quite literally the only thing I have ever said or done to "upset" her), but I am going to ease on into it next weekend.

My boys had a stepfather growing up (my ex-husband) and the man literally took all the joy out of raising kids for me. He nagged me all the time and never saw anything good in my kids. That's why I never wanted to say ANYTHING negative about my husband's kid. I didn't want to make him as unhappy as my ex made me.

But now that I'm 18 months into this relationship, I am learning that I CANNOT continue to keep my emotions all bottled up. They are making me want to withdraw from sd AND hubby before I've even given them a chance.

Granted, I still don't understand all these emotions and where they are coming from, but you all have helped a lot and I appreciate it.

It did not bother me that SS

It did not bother me that SS would want to sit next to DW. If it was just sitting next to her, I would be totally fine with it. Unfortunately, SS was not the kind of kid who would be satified with "just" sitting next to DW. He would want to lean on her, cuddle her, sit on her lap and smooch her, etc. like he was a toddler.

This behavior continued straight until SS was around 10. At 10 years of age SS was quite big. He is like a whole head taller than all kids his age so it was kind of embarrassing to be with him in public. I spoke to DW about it but she never seemed to see the problem with it.

I stopped suggesting that we go out to restaurants altogether. It was too expensive anyways. SS would order a $20 plate, eat three bites of it and then whine for a snack as soon as we got home.

Yeah, I've written a novel on the problems I had with SS just on family restaurant outings.

I got a whole chapter devoted to SS playing with bar swizzle sticks.

You are here

I think we're making progress.

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