Last week, FDH and I went to see a couple’s counselor. She was an awesome older woman who didn’t hold back at ALL when it came to seeing an issue and addressing it on the spot. It started nicely with her being surprised that we were actually sitting on a love seat together, touching one another and told us that was very rare and quite positive.

Immediately she asked about the kids’ ages and visitation schedule. He told her EOW and once per week at our house. When I pointed out that he also goes to BM’s house to visit them once a week she read him the riot act. She explained, in no uncertain terms, how very inappropriate that is and that if he loves me as he claims to that he’d better put an end to that crap immediately. Later he said he would. Tonight is the night of the week he normally visits there and guess who is not going. Yay. We also decided, at my suggestion, that we would add Sunday nights to the EOW thing so he can spend more time with the kids. I really cherish my Sunday nights alone with him after a long kid weekend but this is a worthwhile compromise to break some of these crazy boundary issues.

She also railed on him about several other boundary issues. She explained to him that every single time he thinks of BM, he needs to remind himself that she is his EX-wife, EX-wife, EX-wife. She told him that some of the things he was doing are totally out of bounds as he was still playing the husband role to her. I’ve said that a million times and I think he finally heard it from the counselor. We shall see on that.

The issues with SD11 were addressed as well. She explained to him that he’s basically being a crappy parent with all this lax, guilty, Disney Dad parenting he’s doing.

I also explained to FDH and the counselor that I had pretty much disengaged and that was why I spend all my time out of the house or in my room when they are around. I also told him that is why I stopped going on weekend family outings because they were so miserable due to SD11’s behavior and the way he handles it.

All in all, the counselor pretty much told him he’d better shape up, be a good parent, cut the crap with BM, create boundaries and put some focus on the woman sitting next to him or he was about to lose a very good thing. (Funny how she could tell I was at my end and done putting up with it all).

Quite a first session!

This past weekend was the first time we had the Skids since the counseling session. I didn’t go out to dinner with them on Friday and kept my plans with my friends. Later that night, FDH and I were watching a movie and as usual, he forgot to tell SD11 to shut down her computer and take her meds which meant he also forgot to tell her to go to bed 30 minutes later. An hour and a half after light’s out time, he remembered. (This was past 1AM, mind you). He ran in there, knowing he’d totally screwed up and a fight was about to ensue, and told her to go to bed. She decided that would be an excellent time to take a leisurely shower. Seriously. OSD freaked out because she was trying to get into the bathroom and get ready for bed herself and she had to be up at a decent time the next morning for play practice. So OSD is freaking out and I am furious that something as simple as bedtime can’t be handled well. He’s standing outside the bathroom door telling SD11 to hurry up, with his head against the door in a defeated looking posture (he knew he’d blown it royally) and SD11 is SCREAMING at him to leave her alone because she’s taking a shower. I, of course, am losing my mind because he’s letting her scream at him at 130 AM when she should’ve been in bed asleep for quite a while already.

Needless to say, that was not a good start.

Afterwards, he came in and we actually, for the first time in ages had a reasonable discussion. He apologized and promised that he would set phone timers for himself so that it doesn’t happen again. I explained that what he and SD11 did was unfair to OSD who is a good citizen in addition to the impact to me. I told him I simply cannot stand that he lets SD11 talk that way to him and that this monster is only going to get bigger, louder and more verbally abusive over the years if he doesn’t put an end to it ASAP. He agreed to start working on that.

I stayed out of the house the next day as planned—visited my son, got my hair done, etc… Friends were having a party Sat night and I expected to go alone since kids were there. But to my surprise, he joined me for a couple of hours. Nice.

The next day I had no plans of my own. FDH cooked us all a nice brunch. Then the discussions started about a family outing. He and the other SDs decided what they wanted to do. Then he discussed with SD11. She, as usual, stated that she did not want to go out of the house/ that she wanted to go home to her mommy. I’ve noticed that this “I want my mommy” thing is a new phenomena that only comes up when he’s trying to actively parent her because she wants to go where she knows she can do whatever she pleases(I explained this to him later). He came to talk to me to tell me what she was doing. He calmly explained that he was concerned because he knew this wasn’t going to play out well. He told me he needed my advice and support and that he didn’t want to stay home to let her have her way and ruin the outing for everyone else. He said he wanted me to attend the outing but he knew SD11 was about to have a meltdown and that I would get pissed and end up screaming at him from my room.

So I suggested that he tell her that 1- going home to mommy is not even an option 2- we’d love her to join us on a nice day out 3- she was welcome to stay home alone but the Wi-Fi was going to be turned off and her laptop was going on the family excursion without her. She had a choice.
She flipped out, of course. She was whining/screaming that it was very wrong of us to ditch her. He stayed calm and told her he wouldn’t tolerate her talking to him like that. He told her that she was no longer going to be allowed to hold the family hostage every weekend and that we absolutely were not negotiating with terrorists. He said “We are all leaving in 3 minutes. Either be ready by the door or I’ll be in to collect your computer on my way out. We are not waiting for you.” (Usually she delays the outings by at least an hour while she screams and argues then ends up coming after ruining our day then makes the whole trip about her). Sure enough, she showed up at the door three minutes later with a smile on her face. When we got to our destination, she of course, grabbed his hand and started hanging all over him and making it all about her as usual. He let her do this for a little bit then slowly started to tell her to stop hanging on him. It stopped. We all had a great afternoon. There was one point late in the day where he blew it a little indulging her but he later realized that he made a mistake and discussed it with me. We also discussed how well the leaving the house thing went and I told him how great of a job I thought he did with it. He thanked me for my teamwork and for not being critical of him.

So the weekend was a bit rocky but I think it’s all moving in a positive direction. He’s realizing where he’s going wrong and trying to take corrective action. It won’t be perfect but he’s finally in the right frame of mind. And as long as he’s trying hard, I am definitely willing to be by his side and support him.

We have our second counseling session tomorrow. And for the first time in two years, he’s going to be home with me on a Tuesday night instead of playing husband at BM’s house! Perhaps there is light at the end of this tunnel.