My SS is an adult so it may be different.

One time when we were first dating I was on pain meds as I had just come home from surgery and told DH that I could never help SS get a job as I would never foist him off on one of my friends. I guess that's the closest I've ever come to talking about his "issues".

I have made it clear that none of my money is ever to be spent on SS. I wouldn't care if he was a model citizen no way the money I worked hard for all my life is going to some other woman's child.

Mostly though I just change the subject when SS is brought up. He's visited us twice. DH tells me all the time that SS is crazy about me. I just sort of say okay. I know DH knows I don't want much to do with him - but I really don't think he knows how hideously trashy I think he is.

It would hurt DH very, very much to have to face the facts that he has a son who truly is white trash. Now he sort of pretends like SS has had some difficulty in finding himself but is on the right track now. Yeah he hasn't been to jail or in big fights (that we know of) for the past year. He does have a job. But he gets drunk every night and does drugs when he can afford them. His friends are low life cretins.

My DH knows how I feel. He chooses to live in denial and think I am going to wake up one day and feel differently, but that is not going to happen. I put my foot down, told him I was out, no more, never again, don't expect me to be anything to skid, if you are not here, neither is he. PERIOD. This is after I exhausted myself trying and only getting immense grief in return. I am not this child's parent and it is not my responsibility to care for him. If he can't be with DH he should be with BM, BM doesn't want him either except for the CS she thinks he will bring her someday, so he goes to MIL's.

Well I thought that way once.

Until SS asked to live with my husband. My husband & I both had to get restraining orders from the bio mom---a psycho bi-polar ex wife (yes she receives state checks for her "condition") that was finally caught on tape threatening our lives---so you know this was not a pleasant situation. We also received blackmail voice messages on the phone from her older son, a real druggie that I helped pay child support when my husband was ill for almost half a year.

So with the younger son, I really had such sympathy for him. I thought he really had to get out of that heinous house. I even helped pay for lawyer fees to help my husband get full custody--he was 15 (now 16) & though was able to say where he wanted to live but psycho mother wouldn't allow that & started a campaign that we abused the child & had Children's Services investigating us for months, peeing in cups etc---of course, they found nothing & even helped us in court by stating the bio mother has serious psychological problems.

I thought that would be the start of a wonderful family full of appreciation & dinners at the table. BOY WAS I WRONG!!! The kid resents listening to me, won't wear a jacket in a full on snow blizzard because I tell him to wear one so he goes out in a sweat shirt---doesn't make any sense. He's disrespectful to me, lies to me, calls me a liar, lazy, sleeps until past noon if no school. I even signed up to go to family therapy to help him adjust to a normal life coming from the most dysfunctional upbringing---she would take the kids to the doctors every week to get the $20 co-pay from my husband but she kept it but never paid the doctors, fed them frozen pizza for every meal---meanwhile I make rotisserie chickens, homemade biscuits!!!!! & the kid has nerve to criticize every meal I make. Turned out that he was only soooo eager to go to therapy to convince the therapist that he's unhappy because I took away the GIANT SCREEN TV, we bought him btw, after he called me names & his grades plummeted. He looks so sweet outwardly but he has learned some really evil manipulative ways.

I have a grown daughter from my previous marriage, she is normal & wonderful. I feel like I have used my money to take care of this hot mess, when I know my daughter who is just starting adult life could really use it. So this week, I promised myself I will never go to therapy for SS. I will go to therapy with my husband to work out our issues from all this toxic drama from the bio mom & SS. I will no longer cook family meals. I have told everyone including the therapist, including SS..."I am not his mother" & I say that with no guilt.

I have told SS, "I do not appreciate being treated like your cook, your maid, nor will I take anything you say at face value anymore, I do not care if you do not like me, I do not really like the idea of you taking my money as if you are my responsibility, and furthermore, if you do not like your father being with me or you do not living with me...guess what? I don't like living with you either".

I do regret helping my husband get custody of SS. I feel pretty used by SS, harassed by Bio Mom like no one would believe, and fear losing my marriage as well as my mind. So to save myself a bit, and though I admire others going through hell but choose the higher road to never verbalize those sentiments & resentment---I'm going to keep saying the truth.