What is the best way to start a conversation with SO?
About your feelings, stress, depression and his kids? I saw something on Facebook the other day "Depression, anxiety and panic attacks are not a sign of weakness but of trying to be strong for too long."
I was diagnosed with GAD ( Generiazed Anxity Disorder) in HS and struggled with it off and on since then. Thing had been manageable for some time but it seems like lately it has got to be too much. It's starting to make me physically ill which exites DH because he thinks I am pregnant - the psyical systems are oddly similar to that of pregnancy and we have been trying to get pregnant for months. But we have been having issues lately mostly my fault but when I bring up stress, anxiety or depression DH shuts down.
I am scheduled for a physical next week and if I am not 'better' by then I intend to ask to be once again treated for my GAD, given we are tying to concieve that will mean no drugs, instead I will most likely have to see a psychologist.
This is where I think the main issues lie.
DH says he wants SKids ( ss5 and ss7) but when they are here EOW I do most of the work because I am the stay at home 'mom' but when DH comes home he sits and watches TV while I continue to deal with SKids. Now if it where OUR child I would not mind as much but I get no say in how sKids are raised and they have no respect for me. They have also been brain washed by BM to think that only 'mom' can take care of them so when they are at our house the hang on me and insist I do everything BM does. I get that sKid have two parents, but it's not me and BM. And my love and concern for sKids only leads to heart ache since I can't do anything to 'fix' them or their bad habits.
And it's not that DH is a bad father but sKids are programmed to come to the 'mom' first and crave a woman's attention. I would think DH would want to correct that. When asked or made awhere he does do things for or with them.
DH also 'refuses' to deal with BM and would rather complain to me about what she does than yell at her. I have talked to BM a few times even though its not my place but only when it was about me. He need to man up or shut up IMO. And I should not have dealings with BM at all!
But I guess I just don't know how to tell him all of this when he shuts down like he does and almost runs away from me. He knows something is wrong, he asks me if I am 'cranky'. And I know that he doesn't want to hear that the kids that he loves are the cause of my pain and its because I love and care about them that causes that pain. I want the best for them and I expect the best from them. But BM is comfortable with doing everything for them and accepts that they are behind in almost everything, and one week is not enough time to 'fix' anything nor do I have the 'power' that BM has to help. If that makes any sense.
And I know some people will question why bring a baby into this situation. DH is a good father but he chose a bad partner the first 2 times some one that he doesn't even want to work with any more. Together I think he and I will make a better pair and it will be one a full time basies. Not trying to make excuses for DH but he picked BM and now he has to live with that choice.
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Comments
"We need to talk. Please
"We need to talk. Please don't freak out. I need a partner who will work with me to find a solution."
"Oh no, what's up?"
"Are. you prepared to talk about certain topics that may be uncomfortable for you? And be able to keep calm and work with me?"
"Yes. What is it?"
"Recently have you noticed that xxx...."
"Yes."
"This makes me feel xxx... I would like to find a compromise to fix this situation."
That's usually how our convo goes. You need a partner willing to listen and willing to work on it with you. In short, you need a partner who can be strong when you are not, just like you need to be strong for your partner when he is weak, the level headed one when the other is emotional. And most importantly, one who WANTS to improve on your relationship. That's the basics of a good relationships
Every few days, DH asks me "How can we make this relationship better?" Three years into it and we're still crazy about each other and problems are solved together.
Maybe this is what I needed
Maybe this is what I needed to hear. Thanks.
When we got married I promised to love and take care of skids as if they were my own. I realize now that they are not my own and never will be but maybe you are right they need their father too.
Also I think little boys
Also I think little boys could really benefit from spending time with their father as the tend to act a little girls at times probably due to the lack of a real male role model.
I know DH works hard all day and I understand needing a little break but the time spent in front of the TV does seem a little excessive at times.
I have no real advice. Just
I have no real advice. Just wanted to say I feel for you and I have never found a "right" way to talk to DH without it ending up with him getting mad at me and then shutting down, which just causes more stress and anxiety for me. I have GAD and PTSD and do not cope well most of the time.
"DH says he wants SKids ( ss5
"DH says he wants SKids ( ss5 and ss7) but when they are here EOW I do most of the work because I am the stay at home 'mom' but when DH comes home he sits and watches TV while I continue to deal with SKids."
Then I would say that he is less than a 'good father'...if he leaves his kids up to you to deal with after he comes home from work. THIS is what I would be talking to him about...and perhaps reconsidering if you want to have a baby with him.
I would have to say that
I would have to say that there are reasons that your DH's relationships with the BM(s) failed that are becoming evident to you now. (Not clear if there is one BM or 2.) Please think a little more before conceiving a child with him. It is very easy for him to blame BM for all the issues. He has you believing that your issues with him are "mostly your fault". But you have "no say" in how the Skids are raised, and they have no respect for you. If he won't require them to respect you, and listen to your input about raising them, as well as hear you when you try to talk about the stress you are feeling, I don't think your chances for longterm happiness in this relationship are very good. You will just end up as another "bad partner" that he doesn't want to work with.