I’ve been trying to talk to my DH about him doing more with his daughter during the day which would involve him having to leave work. Currently I'm the one having to do everything for my SD while he's at work.

I work part-time at a dental office and also have 3.5 year old daughter with my DH, so I have more time during the day. But I’m tired of being dumped on and I wish he would do more. He likes to ignore all the issues with his daughter and never deals with her therapist. I think he wants to essentially keep his head in the sand and ignore the reality of her problems.

His daughter is 15 and struggles with just a long alphabet soup of problems: GAD, depression, ADHD, ODD (Opposition Defiance Disorder), and SPD (Sensory Processing Disorder). She is also developmentally delayed and is in a special education program at an alternative school since she has problems functioning in mainstream classes. Twice this year she’s had psychiatric hospitalizations.

Her mom been in and out of jail the last 4 years and currently is at a halfway house in another state and not involved. My DH’s family is all out of state as well, so there aren't grandparents or other extended family on his side that could help out. It’s all on me.

Latest issue is twice in the last two weeks I’ve had to leave work to go pick up my SD from school in the middle of the day because of problems. 1st she felt sick (headache) and the 2nd time she had a meltdown following being written up for yet another dress code violation. (This is related to the sensory issues. She’s very particular about clothes – they have to be soft, seam and tag-free, loose fitting and even stuff she’s worn without problems she says is itchy. She only wants to wear certain sweatpants and sweatpants are against the rules at the school she’s at current. She used to wear them at her old school. She can’t accept that she can’t wear them at the current school. Sometimes she isn’t written up, other times she is and when I’m running late I don’t fight with her over her clothes.)

My DH does help out and he does work very long hours. Typically he gets up at 6am. He does help around the house with cleaning, laundry, dishes, and all the yard work. He gets his daughter up (always a huge fight trying to get her out of bed). He tries to sort out what she’s going to wear and making sure it meets the dress code but he’s out the door by 6:45, and she doesn’t leave for school until 7:20.

Usually DH doesn’t get home until at least 6:30pm and sometimes as late as 7:30pm. He helps put the 3.5 year old to bed, reads her a story, then deals with whatever problems SD has caused, tries to get SD to do homework and then the battle over getting to go to sleep (insomnia is one of her other issues).

DH does try to discipline his daughter, but she doesn’t listen to him and is incredibly disrespect towards him, me and everyone else. Her teachers have had it with her and they are trained to deal with special needs kids.

Here’s what I do for SD:

- Take SD to school and pick her up. That includes when she has to be picked up early for some problem. I also have had to take medication to her daily since there’s been problems with having to give medication at school.

- Take SD to appointments. She currently has 2 therapist appointments and 1 psychiatrist appointment a month. All of the offices only have appointments during regular business hours M-F when my DH is at work.

-Pick up SD’s medication from the pharmacy and try to get her to take it (which can be a challenge). DH can’t keep all of the medication straight or when she gets what. That's all me.

- Talk to teachers, counselors, principal at SD’s school about problems. I’m the one that gets called about behavior issues or other problems because DH can’t always take calls at work. Both of us are copied on emails.

- SD's therapist wants her getting more physical activity and has recommended yoga classes. I used to take her to yoga classes, but then she refused to go and it stopped. She should be doing more activities like that and occupational therapy, but it's expensive and I don't have the time to deal with it.

- I cook most meals, even though SD constantly complains and is a very picky eater.

SD tells me every day how much she hates me, so it’s not like I get anything out of doing all of this for her. It’s for my DH and I’m not sure he even appreciates it. It’s what needs to be done so I do it.
DH says if he has to constantly leave work, he’ll get fired and then we’re screwed because he’ll lose his health insurance. He doesn’t want to try to find a job with more flexible hours because he won’t know if the insurance plan has the same coverage and if her psychiatrist will be in the network. He can use sick time for kincare at his current job, but he doesn't get that much sick time and has used that for major issues like SD's hospitalizations.

I don’t think he wants to explain to his boss what’s going on to ask to be able to leave on a regular basis. He’s very embarrassed about SD and her behavior. It’s one thing to have a sick kid that he can explain to his boss about what's going on, it’s another to have the 15 year old who regularly has screaming tantrums bad enough she has to be sent home from school.

There are times I want to tell my husband that I'm not dealing with anything with his daughter any more, but then nothing will get done and then there's no chance her conditions will improve at all. I feel so utterly drained do this every day.

Is it realistic that DH should be able to leave his job multiple times a week during work hours to deal with appointments and to pick up his daughter from school? Or to set-up flexible hours so he can take her everywhere she needs to go?