Really FDH? I'm the adult here

So we've been battling over bed time for the SKs, primarily SD11. She is not in school now and is doign her lessons at home because of her "anxiety". As I posted last night, she was up at 1030 (30 minutes passed bed time) and I asked FDH why. He said "She told me BM changed her bedtime to 11". I told him that was ridiculous and asked what BM's bedtime has to do with the rules of our house. He went and told her to go to bed.

Finally after 11 she did go to bed. And at 1215 she was still awake in bed. Probably because she's sleeping all day instead of doing her school work. Anyway... SD14 stayed up until 230 and lied to me when I caught her--said she'd been sleeping and was up getting water. I knew that wasn't true. FDH was aslseep, for the record, at midnight.

FDH took the kids home this morning to BMs (presumably the older ones went to school). When he got back home, I said "Look, I don't know what's going on over at BM's house but SD14 was up at 230 in the morning". He asked what she was doing and I told him I wasn't sure but did know she was showering at 1AM. He rolled his eyes as if to say "That bad BM". I said, "I don't care how she runs her home but I am NOT going to have this chaos in my house!" He looks at me and said "What were YOU doing up so late?". I said "I couldn't sleep because your damn kids were running all over the house all night. And I AM AN ADULT. I can go to bed when I please." He walked out of the room.

I am seriously disgusted. How dare he question what I was doing awake to deflect the fact that his minor children have no bed times and the ones they do have are never, ever enforced. I am so sick of this crap. I've asked him to fix this many times and he's basically outright refusing to do anything. He doesn't say he's refusing. He just doesn't do it.

We're going away this weekend and I really don't even want to go now. (But I will) I am pissed. I am thinking about telling him tonight that either he creates and consistently enforces a bed time for all of the kids immediately or I will be leaving town for their visits and will deduct those nights from my share of the rent and move out when the lease is up in a few months. (He would have to move too, into a cruddy house). I am at my wits end with this nonsense. How hard is this? Why would he be so resistent to doing what's best for his kids? This is insanity.

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he does that because he knows

he does that because he knows he's wrong and has no excuse for it. fdh has done that to me many times. i will be on him about whatever, and he will bring up something totally unrelated to try to take the heat off him. it's infuriating. good for you for telling him you are an adult and can do what you want. he walked away because he knew he lost!

You are probably right. He

You are probably right. He had nothing to say to that. But I have no idea how to get him to change on this. And I can't live this way. He probably thinks it isn't a big deal but he knows it is to me. So why do this to me every visit?

Yep. My DH is the SAME way.

Yep. My DH is the SAME way. Ignore, ignore, ignore, then when the heat is on, deflect all the way. Tells himself I am a nagging bitch instead of dealing with the REAL problem. Makes me the enemy and then walks away and gives me the silent treatment as punishment.

why is it so hard for them to

why is it so hard for them to understand that if they would do something about the issue, we wouldn't have to keep bringing up, therefore the "nagging" would end. reminds me of a quote. "you call it bitching. i call it motivational speaking".

Yep, my DH is an expert at

Yep, my DH is an expert at this.

Moving out when the lease

Moving out when the lease ends is a great idea. Then, you could see each other on the days the children are with their mother, if you have any feelings left for him at all. When my SD lived with us (from 12-14) she was sent to bed at 8:30! She needed the sleep, and DH and I needed the adult time. If she had been up until after midnight, we would be divorced.

Maybe put your plan out there, and see if he steps up and actually DOES anything before the lease is up. Stop fighting about it, just tell him what the logical consequences of his choices will be. Then, you have to be prepared to follow through.

I REALLY don't want to leave.

I REALLY don't want to leave. I love him and he has a ton of great qualities. It's just these few things that are breaking down this relationship. It shows a complete lack of respect for me. After a disasterous weekeend with the SKs last weekend, I told him we have to go to couples counseling and he agreed. But I don't want to deal with one more visit with the kids up all night.

I like what you said. I will tell him just that and not bring it up again. I really wish he would tell me why he's so resistant to this bed time thing.

I guess her flack is worse

I guess her flack is worse than mine.

. "He doesn't say he's

. "He doesn't say he's refusing. He just doesn't do it." OMFG are they all the same?

Yup! In fact, he's agreed to

Yup! In fact, he's agreed to it. But then doesn't follow through and makes a ton of excuses every time. Last time it was "So, I guess we shouldn't watch TV together so I can stand outside her room and make sure she goes to sleep". No, a-hole. Just set your phone alarm to remind you to give her a bedtime warning. Go back and remind her if necessary. Then check on her 15 minutes later. I'll allow you to pause the damn TV if you'll parent your kid!

I will never understand

I will never understand couples counseling if you are not already married or don't have Bio Kids. Seriously is this how you want to spend your life? I am catholic and don't believe in divorce, so I have to make it work. If I had seen the lack of parenting before I moved in, I would have left. Unfortunately, I was in to deep when the behavior became apparent. But, DH did step up and enforce the rules that they didn't have. Bed times was one he was good about. But, the mornings here were my drama. It did get better, but that was a year later and SD leaving to make it work.

Why would you put yourself through this, if you have no property with the man or kids or a marriage? He has to want to change, and it doesn't look like he wants to.

This is going to get much worse...

We spent several thousand

We spent several thousand dollars moving in together. We have joint accounts. Our lives are completely enmeshed. We love each other dearly and get along fanstasically in many ways. We are each other's best friend. There is a lot more invested than joint property and a marriage certficate. The reason we're not legally married is due to finances related to child support. It's not as simple as that. I can see where you're coming from but I am not willign to throw away a good relationship with the man I love over this. He's shown in the past he can make changes. If he can't change this though, we will have to spend tons of money again and sadly seperate.

I get the expense of moving

I get the expense of moving in. But, at some point you have to look at all the red flags. If you don't want to leave, then at the very least as one woman to another by combining your finances, you are taking away your independence and making your self more likely to stay in a bad situation. At the very least, if you do marry him and I think you should wait, please get a pre-nup...

That's good advice for all

That's good advice for all women-agree. Actually, I maintain and will always maintain a seperate account. We have a joint account for household expenses. I still keep my other money seperate. I saw my mother get majorly burned in a 20 year marriage by not having seperate finances and will never do that to myself. I think a pre-nup is a good idea too. We have each other covered under life insurance too. But at this point, it's only enough to cover one year of household expenses and a funeral. The rest goes to kids seperately. (Of course, BM still gets his insurance for a few more years until alminoy is over).

And I agree. I won't move forward if this behavior continues. He either decides to be a real parent to his kids and put BM where she belongs on the priority list or the moving trucks will be showing up in May.

When you go apartment hunting

When you go apartment hunting without him, he will see that you are serious.

You bring up another very

You bring up another very valid point for me as well. I am Catholic and have always said that once I marry it is for life and that I do not believe in divorce. I have had every book I own out in the last few weeks reading up on civil marriages/physical separations/annulments, etc., I was like you, in too deep, didn't know it was going to be so bad, and as SS has gotten older things have gotten so much worse, and I too would have never entered into this marriage had I had a glimpse into the future. If I was not bound to this man by marriage I would LEAVE in a heartbeat. After all I have been thru, I cannot in good conscience encourage ANYONE to marry into this life. No matter how much they love the man outside of the Skids issues.